Photo by Gary A. Vasquez-USA TODAY Sports
Three stars of comedy
The second star: Justin Williams. As a diehard Leafs fan, I recognize Maple Leaf Gardens on top of that trophy. No idea what that cup-shaped thing behind it is, though.
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The first star: Predators fan Andrew Fudge. OK, admittedly this one is only funny if you're not Andrew Fudge. Are you Andrew Fudge? No? OK, keep reading.
Yes, that's a diehard Predators fan who won tickets to a Stanley Cup Final game—and only realized it two months later. You can read the whole heartbreaking story here.The Nashville Predators, sliding into your DMs like:(Where Andrew is the linesman.)Epilogue: This one has a happy ending.
Be It Resolved
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Bettman is basically complaining that the league doesn't get enough media coverage. But that's outrageous, because he's the one who bailed on ESPN and he lets the league be so boring and he's always picking fights with reporters and…Calm down. Breathe deeply. And then, add the magic sentence."Historically, we have been underserved by traditional media. And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that."
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It's not like we're changing reality around here by making stuff up. Bettman really has been around since 1993. He absolutely knows that he's the most influential person in the modern history of the league, and probably the most influential ever, period. He knows that everything about today's game has his fingerprints all over it.Would he say that out loud? Probably not. But he's thinking it, or at least he should be. So you should feel free to do him a favor and tack that extra sentence on for him.Here, let's try another one:
"… and since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Boom. Suddenly, a comment that's transparently antagonistic at the worst possible time is transformed into a completely reasonable observation.So be it resolved: From now on, every Gary Bettman quote where he's complaining about the state of the game gets The Bettman Sentence automatically appended to the end of it. "And since I've been running this league since 1993, I take full responsibility for that." Do that, and everything else starts to make a lot more sense. It will probably be good for your blood pressure, too.
Obscure former player of the week
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Outrage of the week
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Classic YouTube clip breakdown
- It's April 13, 2004, and Kovalev and the Canadiens are hosting the Bruins in Game 4 of the Eastern Conference quarterfinals. The Bruins are leading the series 2-1, and just scored in the dying seconds of regulation to tie the game. Now we're midway through the second overtime, and it's safe to say that it feels like a must-win for Montreal.
- Luckily, Kovalev has the puck in his own zone. I'm sure this will turn out great for Montreal.
- Our hero decides to cut along his own blueline, which is a reasonable move given the Bruins forwards are heading off on a line change. But Travis Green reaches out and lightly taps him in the hands on the way by, and tragically this causes Kovalev to immediately die.
- Well, OK, not quite die—but it's close enough. Kovalev bails on the play, selling the tap for all its worth in an attempt to draw a penalty. This being playoff overtime, the ref immediately checks to make sure Kovalev's arm is still attached and then puts his whistle away.
- Realizing that there's no penalty coming, Kovalev jumps back in the play and delivers a textbook open ice check on the puck carrier. Unfortunately, that puck carrier is teammate Sheldon Souray, and that springs Glenn Murray on a breakaway. Anyone who has every watched hockey knows exactly what's about to happen.
- Sure enough, Murray beats Jose Theodore to end the game, and the Bruins pile onto the ice to celebrate.
- My favorite part of this clip is the crowd reaction. You can actually isolate the Kubler-Ross five stages of Montreal Canadiens fans watching this play unfold:
- 1. Ho hum, nothing is happening
- 2. Oh was kind of a slash
- 3. Umm guys…
- 4. UMM GUYS
- 5. NOOOOOOOOOOO!
- (Stage 6, as always, is rioting.)
- The celebration pile includes the usual fun sightings. There's Joe Thornton, in the middle of the pointless playoff run that convinced the Bruins they couldn't win with him. There's former Canadian Olympian Rob Zamuner. There's Michael "Father of William and Also That Other One" Nylander.
- And there's the Bruins' rookie head coach, who looks vaguely familiar. Yes, it's good old Mike Sullivan, fresh off an impressive 104-point debut. He'd be fired by the end of the following season, and wouldn't get another shot in the NHL until Pittsburgh hired him a decade later, midway through the 2015-16 campaign. Don't tell me how that turns out, I'm going to binge watch the last few seasons over the weekend.
- "This is your goal scor-rah…" I love Boston announcers.
- We see the Canadiens leaving the ice, and they don't look happy. And they weren't, with Souray and coach Claude Julien both ripping Kovalev after the game for quitting on the play. They're not wrong, but I mean, Souray doesn't look great on this one either, does he? I know he's caught by surprise, but he's standing flat-footed at center ice while a forward breaks out of the zone, and he basically makes the worst possible play with the puck. Are we really going to pretend this is 100 percent Kovalev's fault?
- [Thinks about the comedic implications.]
- Yeah, this is all Kovalev. Motion carried.
- At this point I have to address an issue I'm sure some of you are wondering about: Are we sure Kovalev was really faking here? I know I called it a tap, but Green really does give him a decent hack. Isn't is possible that he's actually hurt, and we're all pointing and laughing at an innocent (and injured) man?
- Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, I'd like to present Exhibit A, which you may recognize from the case of the murder of the Quebec Nordiques. The prosecution rests.
- By the way, that waved-off Sakic goal was so bad that it remains just about the only known instance of the NHL ever coming right out and saying one of its officials screwed up. That play doesn't get anywhere near enough run in the "worst call ever" conversation. Brett Hull and Kerry Fraser and Martin Gelinas were all bad, but none of them ended an entire team.
- "Ya gotta suck it up in ovah-time, boys." I really love Boston announcers.
- Anyways, the Bruins win to head back home with a 3-1 series lead, the Canadiens are in disarray over Kovalev's boneheaded play, and Boston sportswriters are writing about how this play will live in infamy as the counter to the 1979 too-many-men debacle. Anyone want to guess how the series ends?
- Yes, of course, the Canadiens come back to win three straight, and Kovalev had assists on both goals in their 2-0 Game 7 win. As Mike Keenan could tell you, you do not mess with Alexei Kovalev, because he always wins in the end.