David Roth's Weak In Review: Mike Napoli's Lightning In A Bottle And Beard Tincture, And Other October Delights

David Raposa: I'm available to talk about baseball if you are okay with me mainly talking about players that retired in 1996.

David Roth: I only asked because I wanted to talk about Jayhawk Owens. I want to talk about his career home/road splits.

David Raposa: That dude clearly did not know how to pack for a road trip.

David Roth: /Jayhawk Owens reaches into bat bag, discovers that it is, once again, full of Fun Size Three Musketeers.

David Raposa: It's strange that 1996 was the year we lost Anthony Young.

David Roth: He was just figuring it out, too.

David Raposa: 15-48 is some kind of hole, in terms of a career record. That's like two months of Alan Trammell's managerial career. You think there's any chance the Nationals go back to the Kirk Gibson Coaching Tree and give Trammell a shot?

David Roth: The Kirk Gibson Coaching Tree must be watered from time to time with the blood of tyrants. I believe it was Reggie Jefferson who said that.

David Raposa: It is mostly watered by passive-aggressive Gatorade baths.

David Roth: That is true of most lawns in Arizona, I believe. They put "it's got electrolytes" on the state flag in 2009, back when they replaced the state crest with one thousand handgun emojis.

David Raposa: Ow My Lack of Topical Mike Judge References.

David Roth: I trust you read the blow-by-blow on the season falling apart? You will feel terrible for Drew Storen by the end of it. That is basically the highest praise I can give. That is my "a pulse-pounding adventure you won't soon forget."

David Raposa: I felt terrible for Storen after reading the front office decided they "needed" a closer based solely on his performance in two postseason games. The post-mortem wasn't as gory as I imagined/hoped it'd be, though. Not nearly enough concerning Matt Williams' laughable bullpen mismanagement.

David Roth: I mean, there was a lot of that. I wanted more Jayson Werth Beard Gossip—like, is it true that a long-sleeve Keep Calm And Chive On t-shirt fell out of his beard when he slid headfirst into second base in Cincinnati? But it's all somehow sadder for being so prosaic.

David Raposa: I just have a high tolerance for bullpen mismanagement stories. Also, color me disappointed that the ballyhooed Bryce Harper bunt was Harper's idea. And then there's this: "Harper also credits Williams as a mentor that contributed to his development this season, and said last week 'I love him as a manager.'"

David Roth: It's almost like the team failed because it's a total fucking mess, almost.

David Raposa: How dare you, sir. The Nats simply traded one of their "costly" relievers for Yunel Escobar and then filled the hole they themselves created in the bullpen by trading for a guy that's making $3 million more than the dude they traded away. And also the dude they traded for is the main character in Maniac Cop and furthermore I have to assume getting Escobar played a not insignificant part in the head games that undid Ian Desmond this year. But I wouldn't say "mess."

David Roth: Getting a high-character guy like Yunel Escobar is a solid move, too. Just a good dude that everyone agrees has improved every clubhouse he's been in.

David Raposa: What does it say about me that I forgot about Escobar's dalliance with anti-gay eyeblack and simply assumed Escobar was on the shit list for something like domestic violence? At least he took the gross dummy road slightly less traveled, I guess?

David Roth: A lot of traffic on that road this week! It's always nice when a player says something so stupid and ugly that everyone gets to agree on what an asshole he is. Except for the comment-section CHUDs, who at least get some warm garbage to eat. Anyway, it helped us move on from the barnacle-encrusted trashbarges with their "Bryce Harper should be choked, to death, as all young and/or demonstrative people should be" columns.

David Roth: By the way, I checked, and there was not a time when Bud Norris, Luke Scott, ol' Trouble Man Berkman, and Roger Clemens were all in the Astros clubhouse at the same time. Norris came later. But I still think that would be a good workplace comedy. Norris fuming about "fiery antics," Scott habitually discharging his handgun by accident. Brad Ausmus turns to the camera and makes a Jim Halpert face

David Raposa: "Too Many Bunkers," co-starring Jenna Elfman, and James Caan as "Skippy." I can hear CBS faxing you an offer sheet right now. I will say that it's both nice and strange to hear about clownshoes MLB antics that don't involve the Mets. There's always the offseason.

David Roth: I am really waiting for the comeuppance for all this. The old testament moral universe in which my Mets fandom exists suggests that six bad things will happen for every postseason win. Like, if they win the NLDS, the universe will make them trade Matt Harvey to the Yankees for whichever one of their quad-A guys got the most DUI's in the last 18 months, a 19-year-old named pitcher named Kolt Flowers or Yormander Borquez, and Stephen Drew.

David Raposa: That's unrealistic. Clearly the Mets would have to throw in Syndergaard in order for that trade to make sense.

David Roth: They are good, and way better than I let myself dare to imagine they'd be, but they still make me nervous. I've forgotten how to cheer for a winning team. Also there are so many things there that, due to my own mania and also from watching them a lot, I can't quite credit as World Series-ready. For instance, as a baseball insider, you have no doubt noticed that playoff teams tend to catch the ball more often than they don't.

David Raposa: The 2006 Tigers might disagree, but continue.

David Roth: The Mets take a different approach. For all these newfangled stats, there's nothing that captures the importance of Daniel Murphy periodically spinning rapidly in place after fielding a grounder and then firing it deep into center field.

David Raposa: Well, that's been Murphy's MO from the get-go: To somehow make a living, if not quite thrive at, playing professional baseball, while simultaneously looking like a three-year-old's stick figure drawing.

David Roth: I think it will be good when a national audience gets to know him. Because he looks and acts exactly like an average square-jawed big leaguer, except sometimes he just, like, does the "Thriller" dance instead of tagging up.

David Raposa: "Ladies and gentlemen … Daniel Murphy's ass and elbows!"

David Roth: Have you decided on a postseason team of convenience? Or are you just going to keep hitting refresh on Blake Swihart's Venezuelan Winter League statistics until something shows up?

David Raposa: First of all, I'll be hitting refresh on Byron Buxton's and Domingo Santana's Venezuelan Winter League statistics, thank you very much. As for actual baseball, I don't know? I'll probably just stick to being a righteous jerk, though, and simply root against the Yankees and Royals and Cardinals.

David Raposa: On the greener side of the grass: I've been ghost-riding the Pirates' whip for the last few seasons—and possibly underrating Clint Hurdle's importance to that team in the process. I'm looking forward to the Cubs becoming the not-Cubs in the near future, too. And as ridiculous as it is that they're even in a position to contend, it's still disappointing to see the Astros on the outside looking in.

David Roth: I'm also bullish on the Astros. It pains me that there are fans that will see this season as a disappointment. They are seriously two years further along towards being good than I expected, they still aren't really paying anyone, and they're fun.

David Raposa: What are your thoughts on Toronto? Even with that 22-year absence from the postseason, and their Coors-Field-before-the-humidor offense, I'm finding myself not as enthusiastic about their playoff appearance as I want to be.

David Roth: I am enthusiastic about them. I am happy for any playoff season that has R.A. Dickey and a giggling drunk Munenori Kawasaki and a bunch of fired-up Canadian people in it. But something about grafting every available superstar onto the roster makes it feel somehow different to me. It has been hilarious to see how fast-acting and effective the strategy of Add The Best Shortstop And One Of The Five Best Starting Pitchers In Baseball To The Roster proved to be. Weird that more teams haven't tried that.

David Raposa: Well, the Rangers got half that formula right. They just swapped the Best Shortstop In Baseball part for Catch-As-Catch-Can Slugger Bringing That Winning Red Sox Mojo. Shout out to Mike Napoli with that snazzy 300/388/500 triple-slash line since joining Texas.

David Roth: They're the craziest team in contention, to me. I am so happy Prince Fielder is playing well and that Texas can take advantage of Dr. Napoli's Lightning In A Bottle And Beard Tincture. Big ol' Gummy Bear-looking dudes bellyflopping and randos hitting gap shots and Adrian Beltre being really protective of his personal space. I'll take it.

David Roth: It would be nice if the teams for which Napoli had previously played could just share him during the stretch run, so that he's always someplace swinging SO HARD in a meaningful game every fall.

David Raposa: With Mike Scioscia still in Anaheim, I'm sure he'd find ways to not play him.

David Raposa: "Dusty jokes that still arrive / died back in 2005"

David Roth: /Working on this "App for Napoli" sharing economy joke/Still processing /Computer getting very hot, foul smell coming from USB port

David Raposa: Are you excited for the postseason broadcasting teams? Are you ready to Buck Up?

David Roth: I think other sports should roll out guys from other sports to call the most important games of the season. I want Cliff Drysdale doing play-by-play and Keith Hernandez and Jerry Remy doing color commentary during the Super Bowl. I want to hear an audible sigh from Keith after a punt so long that it begins on one end of a commercial break and ends on the other.

David Raposa: It would get me to give a shit about the NFL again, that's for sure. Give me existentially weary professionals waxing awkwardly about the Moody Blues over the usual strained necks mis-paraphrasing Vince Lombardi for the umpteenth time.

David Roth: What is Remy going to do if he's not on TV? Beyond never paying for a Dunkin Donuts product again in his life, which is more a thing he won't have to do.

David Raposa: I'd like to think he'll go on a tour of New England, dropping by random houses to hang out, make the occasional incisive observation and giggle at silly jokes. I, for one, would love to have Remy over to watch Eraserhead. If only to hear his thoughts on the Lady in the Radiator.

David Roth: That is what I am hoping for most this October. Remy showing up at your house with a Laserdisc and a pizz-er.

David Raposa: In baseball, everything is fine.