We put together this helpful list to take the guesswork out of what to get the tall guy who has everything.
Kelley L Cox-USA TODAY Sports
What do you get the guy who is upwards of 6’6” and has everything? The old staples of a new, soft sweater and a Fitbit don’t look so good when the person you’re buying for no doubt has sweaters made from high-performance wools you’ve never heard of and an entire team of people whose whole job it is to make sure they get enough steps, reps, and quadriceps compression in.
Luckily for you, we've put together a comprehensive list that takes the guesswork out of what to get some of the hardest working guys in the NBA, so you’re not stuck with an embarrassed look on your face when it turns out you’re re-gifting Draymond Green the same set of Ayesha Curry’s pots and pans that he gave you last year.
A good strategy when holiday shopping is to start with the hardest to buy for, who never drops any hints and says things like, “Just surprise me!” but inevitably asks for the gift receipt so they can return everything for store credit. Anyway, let’s just do the same thing you do with all dads, get him a Tilley bucket hat and call it a Christmas Day.
A little known fact is that when Durant wrote on his shoes during the 2016 playoffs all the sweat made some of the letters smudge so only “F” and “A” were legible on the left shoe and “il” on the right: FAil—which is why OKC lost. These bad boys are waterproof and non-toxic so Durant can write the entirety of The Secret on his KD 10s and still make out every word when the Warriors blow an even bigger lead.
Clothes are out of the question but they do tell a story, and we can take a hint from the big one a past outfit dropped: Russell wants a camera! But no modern point and shoot for the Brodie, no, I’m talking huge bellows, wet-collodion process, basically a Daguerreotype, antiquated as all hell hunk of junk. He’ll love it.
A silk sleep mask with little “processing” spinner icons over the eyes. If this doesn’t exist already: you’re welcome, inventors.
A battering ram, to better articulate that there is no team whose defense can withstand such a man. Plus it seems like he'd be into LARPing.
Tailor-made oven mitts. Friends and family have been getting him baking lessons for years and he’s been too embarrassed to tell them he never got to the part where you put things in the oven, since no factory-made mitt ever fit his hands. He’d like to know how his strudel tastes!
A Casper mattress, poor guy’s been sleeping on a pool inflatable since he got to Oklahoma.
A life-sized recreation of The Discobolus of Myron made in Giannis’s measurements and erected outside the new Wisconsin Entertainment and Sports Center, which will likely be named Erbert & Gerbert’s Arena or DCI Cheese Center.
A very ornate, jewel encrusted, medieval looking treasure chest for Young Lurch to store his mounds of Zing bars in and lord over. Do they know it’s Kristaps time at all?
Statues are big this year! And honestly you can never go wrong with one. A hand carved alabaster bust of Abraham Lincoln but with Gortat’s close-cropped Mohawk. The plaque below will read, “Things may come to those who wait, but only the things left by those who hustle.” A famous Lincoln quote or so Google would have me believe (did the man who wrote the Gettysburg Address say "hustle?") and fitting because it could really be applied as an analogy for rebounds.
A bag of Meyers lemons.
A new pair of hip waders.
Large, steaming hot bowl of chowder.
Did you know that around the holidays Nerlen’s last name pronunciation changes to “Noël”? How could I make this stuff up? Anyway, it’s his one great wish to fulfil both prophecies of each part of his name and become THE CHRISTMAS WIZARD. So let’s get him a Merlin suit and stand aside.
His self-portrait to be displayed at MoMa.
As someone who chronicled the good times of your favorite NBA players all summer I can say with authority that Jimmy’s Instagram posts have tapered way off since the season started. He did a Mall of America appearance and seems to be into one pair of ripped jeans, in perpetuity. I’m sure he’d appreciate a jettison pack tucked in his locker or maybe a plane gassed up and waiting on a frosty Minnesota tarmac at midnight. Either or.
CP3, conversely, has truly launched in Houston. Why not gift him that rocket just lying around at the Space Center for when he wants to kick back and relax in a titanium chamber.
A brand new basketball with a map of the world drawn upon it, so he finally gets it.
All the Plumlees
Nametags so we can finally, once and for all, tell them apart. No lanyards either, nobody wants to have to weave around awkwardly trying to read them and figure it out.
A daring fur coat made from the pelt of the Suns Gorilla.
To be put in an extremely spooky ghost costume and appear before Dwight Howard like the ghost of Christmas Day Basketball Games Past, because Howard for sure thinks he is dead. It would be a good gag.
Much like the Grinch, Nikola’s heart continues to grow three sizes. For Christmas it would be great if science caught up with the technology that would enable his body to keep up, so he doesn’t explode!
Your vote for President.
A $20 Tim Horton’s gift card. Those things last for months.
Despite his being born long after their peak, Lonzo is a huge fan of the repulsive rubber puppets of yore, Boglins. This is also the year Lonzo is keen to come out of his father’s shadow, so what better time to launch his new business: Big Boglin Brand. The product is going to be hoodies made out of soft, skin-like rubber and the hood will be a gruesome Boglin head. They’re going to cost $800. Can we count on your investment?
Gasol’s an avid gardener and has raved about the merits of goat excrement as fertizlier for his vegetables which makes shopping for this big man easy—one big bag of goat shit.
Wade has it all, he wants nothing but for you to buy some Dwyane Wade Wine for your loved ones this holiday season. Or else get him a harp.
An advent calendar where every flap is a DeAndre sized door that leads to Cleveland, Washington, Toronto, Milwaukee, etc.
All the success in the world.
Some graham crackers, for the love of god.
To star in the Jack Reacher franchise, as Jack Reacher, without the whole world even noticing the difference.
He was screaming inside, his heart being torn in two, but there’s nothing he could do about it. Benny was right there, always the autocrat, and thousands of people were watching. They told him that puppy was for him! Make it right.
For someone to finally shape that strange bun on his head into a festive Yule log.
Follow Katie on Twitter @wtevs.