The Greatest Baseball Ever is Being Played at the Pan American Games—Or is it?

There are a lot of reasons to believe that the Pan American Games baseball tournament is a real thing happening in the plane of existence we all inhabit. The most compelling evidence is that the official website of this Pan American Games, currently underway in Toronto, Ontario, Canada, has a section titled "Baseball" that includes a list of baseball teams competing, a schedule, and current team and individual statistics.

But what if, just maybe, the baseball tournament at the Pan American Games isn't happening at all? Is it possible that an international baseball tournament featuring seven countries could be entirely fictionalized with the magic of the Internet?

Allow me to make the case against the existence of the Pan American Games baseball tournament.

First, nobody really watches baseball, people just read about baseball and talk about baseball. If the entire Major League Baseball season was just a series of fictional box scores printed on the Internet, maybe 8 people at the most would notice. So imagine how easy it would be to fake a relatively small international baseball tournament, only happening for 10 days in a park in Ajax, Ontario. Actually, you don't need to imagine it because that is almost surely what is happening.

It is impossible to find virtually any sort of footage or even detailed recaps of these games. The only records of their existence are the box scores on the official Pan American Games website, and a scattering of ridiculous tweets, many by Baseball America writer Ben Badler. These tweets could just as easily––or even more easily, rather––be the result of a few baseball writers dropping acid in a Toronto basement and brainstorming fan fiction about obscure Caribbean prospects.

To demonstrate the plausibility of this theory, I will use baseball knowledge, available information, and a stream of insane tweets to sketch together the supposed events of Wednesday night's game between Cuba and the Dominican Republic, which, if these reports are to be believed, could have the best game in the history of the mighty sport.

TOP OF THE 1ST:

First batter of the game, Ruben Sosa pulls a home run off Lazaro Blanco. Big-time Dominican fan base in the house is loving it.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 15, 2015

Ruben Sosa is currently a member of the Mexico City Diablos Rojos, for whom he has one hit in 7 plate appearances. He allegedly led off this game with a home run.

BOTTOM OF THE 1ST:

Cuba pouring it on in the first. Cepeda starts the scoring with a liner to RF, Guerra makes it 5-1 with a double. New DR pitcher already.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 15, 2015

"Cepeda" is Frederich Cepeda, a 35-year-old Cuban outfielder for Sancti Spiritus in Cuba's Serie Nacional and the Yomiuri Giants in Japan. He is also a two-time Olympic medalist who has been the engine at the heart of the Cuban national team's lineup for the last decade and is probably the greatest Cuban hitter in that time to have never played in the Major Leagues. And here he is, lining balls into right field in a city park in Ajax, Ontario. Though, in fairness, after more than a decade playing for Cuba's national team and in the Serie Nacional, this would probably not even crack the top 10 of strangest baseball environments Cepeda has played in.

Looks like someone with the Dominican team just got ejected in the first inning. Police escorting him away. Let's get nuts.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 15, 2015

Yes, let's.

Dominican manager just got ejected and was hiding. So they escorted him out right in front of me. Pretty hilarious.
— Kyle (@BlueMetropolis) July 15, 2015

Remember when Bobby Valentine was ejected from a game while managing the Mets and snuck back in the dugout wearing a goofy disguise? Now, picture him doing that in a tiny stadium in suburban Toronto and having to be escorted out of the park by members of the Ajax, Ontario, police department.

Now Cuban catcher Yosvani Alarcon steals third base with two outs. We're gonna need more popcorn here behind the plate.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 15, 2015

A catcher named "Yosvani" stole third base. A catcher. And his name was Yosvani.

INNINGS 2-6:

Dominican fans out in full force. (And we have our 37th argument of the game.) pic.twitter.com/6m45nuKLZa
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

This is the only known photograph of this game, and would appear to prove that the game did indeed occur. But this photo could be from anywhere. A career spent tracking prospects in various Caribbean winter leagues will result in a vast archive of cell phone photos from small stadiums packed with wild fans and Dominican flags.

Also, "37th argument"––the middle innings of this likely fictional game were very lit.

First base open, they throw Alfredo Despaigne a 3-2 fastball up in the zone. If you walk 50 feet behind the LF fence, you can find the ball.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

Alfredo. Despaigne. Is. God.. I now very much want this game to be real.

TOP OF THE 7TH:

Umpires pause the game in the top of the 7th. Heard them tell an official to do something about Dominican fans throwing beer cans.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

HELLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Now they pulled all the players off the field.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

LLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLLL

Canadian fans chanting, "We want ball! We want ball! Let them play!" Players still cleared off the field. The Molson is flowing tonight.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

YEAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH

Players slowly making their way back to the field. Around 30 percent of the Dominican crows side cleared out.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

*Somewhere in suburban Toronto, a couple hundred drunk Dominican baseball fans, having been strongly recommended to leave the stadium after disrupting a Pan American Games pool play game, descend upon an unsuspecting Tim Horton's location.*

FINAL:

Four hours and many beers later, Cuba beats the Dominican Republic 9-5. Hector Mendoza closes it out, up to 93 mph.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

There is a box score of this game that confirms much of what Badler tweeted. Additionally, it says that Pedro Feliz went 2-4 in this game. Pedro Feliz is 40 years old. The last entry in Pedro Feliz's page on Baseball Reference was a 2013 stint with the Toros del Este of the Dominican Winter League in which he hit .198 in 26 games. Yet, somehow, here he is, going 2-4 on Wednesday, and somehow lowering his batting average for the tournament in doing so, because 40-year-old Pedro Feliz is hitting .526 in the insane and probably made up universe of the Pan American Games. Also, Feliz's .526 isn't even the best average in the tournament, as he currently trails a 35-year-old Cuban infielder named Rudy Reyes, who is hitting a solid .565.

Do you still not believe that it's not only possible but likely that this tournament has been entirely made up? Would you like to see what allegedly happened on Thursday night? Ok, let's take a look at Thursday.

With a 6-3 lead over Cuba in the top of the fifth, Nicaragua goes go the bullpen. Here comes Vicente Padilla!
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

Vicente Padilla starts off the sixth inning with an eephus pitch.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

Vicente Padilla throws what he thinks is strike three, starts walking off the mound. It's a ball. There's no outs and two runners on base.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

Now Alfredo Despaigne puts one into the trees. Five runs in the top of the eighth, Cuba up 10-6.
— Ben Badler (@BenBadler) July 16, 2015

Fans at Canada-Puerto Rico game are chanting "Larry Walker". So he moon-walked to appease them. @Cdnmooselips33
— Jamie Campbell (@SNETCampbell) July 17, 2015

Stay tuned for the next installment, in which I take an 11 hour redeye Greyhound bus to Toronto, followed by an hour-and-a-half city bus to the town of Ajax, to find out if there really is a city park in which Vicente Padilla is throwing eephus pitches, Dominican fans are throwing Molson cans, Alfredo Despaigne is depositing baseballs into the greater Ontario landscape, and Larry Walker is moonwalking.