Dumb Football With Mike Tunison, Wild Card Weekend Edition

An extremely NFL thing is that the on-field product was better when the league gave less of a shit about it being good.

Football, in anything resembling its current form, isn't safe. The NFL knows this and is counting on the public being fine with the sport being only marginally safer than it was, or at least being satisfied with the idea of it being marginally safer. For the most part, this is a smart bet, as TV ratings prove time and again.

For example, there's the rule penalizing hits on defenseless receivers. The NFL puts all the responsibility for making a clean hit on the defensive player, even if the receiver contorts himself in such a way that he makes himself vulnerable to headshots. This makes playing defense occasionally impossible to do legally. It's quite likely that this rule has spared receivers some concussions, though concussions aren't everything in the NFL's struggles with the long-term mental and physical health of its players. Factor in that, like a football catch, the NFL doesn't always have a firm grasp of when a player is "defenseless"—or a sufficiently clear rule defining it—and it leads to maddening inconsistency in officiating.

Or this: thanks to the league's 2011 Collective Bargaining Agreement, OTAs were reduced, two-a-days were eliminated and the amount of padded practices that teams can conduct during the regular season is restricted. As a result, there's a perceived decline in offensive line play and quarterback play and possibly at a few other positions as well. Players, the reasoning goes, don't have as much preparation or time with coaches and teammates. So the overall quality of the on-field product suffers. The fact that there are more NFL teams than there are good NFL quarterbacks certainly doesn't help.

Pointing this out could be construed as anti-labor, or soft-pedaling the seriousness of brain damage. That's not where I'm coming from, and going backwards isn't remotely defensible. I support the spirit of rules that promote safety and more humane, less punishing working conditions. I simply wonder how these very important things can be reconciled with a sport that's fundamentally brutal and built on beating down those who play it. It is difficult to watch the NFL—on the first Sunday of the playoffs but also all season long—and not wonder whether the league is capable of, or sufficiently interested in, getting all these difficult things right.

Anecdotally, I've heard a lot this year from people who find the NFL product to be not as enjoyable as years past. That's not just because there's a distaste for Roger Goodell's mismanagement, or players like Greg Hardy getting second chances, or owners trying to abandon markets en masse to move to Los Angeles. It's all of these things, plus the ambient pomposity and cynicism that surrounds everything the league does.

The result is a sport that's at times incoherent, due to half-measures taken to create the perception of caring about safety. There's constant frustration that a Byzantine rulebook isn't always enforced perfectly on every play—and that a coherent catch rule doesn't even appear to exist—when there are 22 fast-moving parts on every snap. There are constant reminders that most of the most powerful people in the league are pretty awful human beings.

The 2014 season was a crisis for the league mostly for off-field reasons and the NFL's inability to police domestic violence. This season has been better in that regard, but the more people get to focus on what's actually on the field, the more they're realizing it isn't great, either.

Sure, the Kansas City Chiefs are also moving on, poking a hole in my cheap point that only the same old teams are still in contention. Nevertheless, it's amazing that two woebegone franchises somehow managed to blow what seemed to be certain playoff victories. It was the sort of day that gives comfort to people who believe in football gods and teams that Just Know How To Win.

Russell Wilson turned a fumbled snap and a sure 10-yard loss into a galvanizing play that keyed a Seahawks comeback. Ben Roethlisberger got pumped full of enough horse tranquilizer to shake off a shoulder injury for a game-winning drive. Of course, both had to be helped by mistakes from the opposition, whether that meant a missed chip shot field goal or defenders drawing thoughtless penalties.

Bengals fans have reason to complain that a Ryan Shazier defenseless receiver hit on Giovani Bernard wasn't called and that Adam Jones was flagged for pushing a referee when Steelers linebackers coach Joey Porter could reasonably have been penalized as well for mixing it up with Bengals players on the field. At the same time, Vontaze Burfict got away with purposely contributing to Ben Roethlisberger's injury, just the latest cheap shot for which fellow players are now calling Burfict out. Like I was saying: the product is fantastic right now.

Richard Sherman on why Jesus Christ was a Seahawks fan today: ' I think he appreciated how hard we fought.'

— Bart Hubbuch (@BartHubbuch)January 10, 2016

Only winning because the opponent's usually dependable kicker missed a 27-yarder is bound to make you thank your lucky stars and prophets. Crediting Jesus for Seahawks wins is usually Russell Wilson's thing and a bit off-brand for Richard Sherman, but teams have to be ready to tweak the game plan some in the playoffs.

It was not a good opening weekend of the playoffs. The first game was a blowout that was only exciting when the opening kickoff was taken for a score, and then in a different way when Brian Hoyer was throwing picks, which, to be fair, was a lot. Two games were brutal, low-scoring affairs played in severe weather. The last one, though mostly competitive, was more or less decided midway through the fourth quarter. A coach pulled a player's hair on the sideline. A player pushed a ref while trying to get to another coach. Donald Trump felt the need to weigh in on penalties in pro football. Altogether, it was not great.

That said, there was the Martavis Bryant between-the-legs somersault touchdown:

There's a reason Martavis Bryant's nickname is 'Alien.'This somersault TD catch is pure insanity. — NFL (@NFL)January 10, 2016

There was also Doug Baldwin's one-handed grab in sub-zero temperatures in Minnesota, conditions that make that feat akin to snatching a fast-moving cinderblock out of the air. And neither of these tremendous catches were overturned by questionable review. Small victories, people.

I may have never played an NFL game, but at least I don't look like Uma Thurman in Pulp Fiction — Steve Ryan (@steveryan23)January 10, 2016

The Seahawks punter sustained a broken nose after being upended trying to make something of a botched snap in the first half. That led to a sideline shot of blood pouring from his nose, which led to numerous Twitter jokes about cocaine from unfeeling wags such as, um, myself and Jon Ryan's own brother. See, if his family does it, that only makes me a slightly less horrible person.

Well, I'm glad we settled that. — NFL Philosophy (@NFLosophy)January 10, 2016

After Blair Walsh biffed a 27-yard field goal to create yet another memorable installment in Vikings lore, the right amount of blame had to be apportioned to all parties involved. Did Walsh just fuck up? Is it on the holder for facing the laces toward the kicker? Internet sleuths went to work and so far, the results are inconclusive. Great work, everyone.

I'm not saying there isn't an argument for it. It's just that thinking Marvin Lewis would get canned for this latest playoff meltdown represents a wholesale misunderstanding of the Cincinnati Bengals' broader organizational philosophy, which can be helpfully distilled into a Kanye shrug.

On Sunday morning, there were plenty of takes questioning whether this would finally be the coaching mishap that did Lewis in, and by the end of the day there were already public assurances that his job security is fine. Marvin Lewis has taken the Bengals to the playoffs five seasons in a row, which is commendable for any coach. But the failure of a roster this talented to get beyond the first round of the playoffs even once in those five years is the sort of thing that would lead to sweeping change in a lot of organizations. Saying the Bengals are preaching patience is a nice spin for an organization where complacency has been a watchword for decades.

.— Arnold (@Schwarzenegger)January 10, 2016

Source tells — Alex Marvez (@alexmarvez)January 11, 2016

It's terribly unfair to the rest of this season that the news dropped just now that Rob Ryan will be joining Rex's staff in Buffalo. I already want the 2016 season to begin, just to see the chaos that ensues. I can already see a shirtless Rob Ryan spending pregame RKO-ing Bills fans through tables in the parking lot while Rex tries to find him. If you haven't yet, be sure to read up on the brothers' misadventures growing up, including the time Rex refused to be Rob's wingman on a double date, leading to a wrestling match "after a few hundred beers" that left Rob's ankle broken the same week their dad was coaching the Bears defense in the Super Bowl.

Understandably, people reacted to the news with a plea to have the Bills on "Hard Knocks" this year, a choice that is no less brilliant for its obviousness. Luckily, Buffalo fits all the criteria of a team the league can force to take part in the show, so it should be interesting to for once be rooting for the NFL to exercise its power. 2016 is already strange.

The postseason is a special time, and demands special performances. Only the best fans can rise to the occasion. I suppose that's the most generous description of what the Washington fan who boasted of shaving his balls in preparation for Sunday's game. Unfortunately, the newly trimmed package of one man on the FedEx Field concourse was not enough to swing things in favor of the NFC East champs. It just reinforces the old football maxim that you have to dance with the pubic hair that got you there. A lesson for next time, D.C. fans.

Naturally, a weekend of playoff football would not be complete without the Internet exulting at the suffering of already downtrodden fans. Even by Bengal standards, Saturday's meltdown was excruciating. Vikings fans are lucky that all moisture froze on impact on Sunday, or there'd be a compilation of their fans crying too. There are plenty of fun living room reactions though.

Crying Bengals montage — Kevín (@KevOnStage)January 10, 2016

1. Aaron Rodgers. It wasn't a weekend for superlative quarterback play. For Rodgers, two touchdowns and 210 yards passing is hardly the most noteworthy performance. Sunday did, however, mark a huge improvement over the past few weeks of the regular season and a suggestion that the once-vaunted Green Bay offense could very well find its stride again. The Packers may yet be a tough out in the playoffs, though they will have their work cut out for them next week in Arizona, where they lost by 30 just two weeks ago.

2. Everson Griffen. Seattle's offense was one of the hottest in the NFL coming into the postseason, having scored more than 30 in five of their last six regular season games. While the weather was certainly a factor on Sunday, Minnesota's front four, especially Griffen and Sharrif Floyd, was incredibly disruptive in a game that Vikings should have won.

3. Antonio Brown. Sadly, his most critical contribution might have been getting concussed by Vontaze Burfict. While teammate Martavis Bryant had the flashiest catch of the day—and possibly the season—Brown quietly got the bulk of the Steelers receiving yards on a night where the Bengals were trying to take away everything deep. The result was a 117-yard evening, despite his longest catch being just 17 yards. That's a lot of work.

4. Allen Bailey. The Chiefs defensive end had two sacks and two forced fumbles in the shutout victory. That play where everyone made fun of Texans QB Brian Hoyer for apparently just dropping the ball was actually the result of Bailey pushing one of Hoyer's linemen into his arm.

5. Jordan Reed. Another bright spot for a vanquished team, as the tight end posted 120 yards and a touchdown. Were it not for Reed taking away what might have been a Packers pick-six in the first half and turning it into a gain, Green Bay might have run away with the game much sooner. Kirk Cousins gives hope for stability in the future, though he isn't the only rising star on that offense.

1. Brian Hoyer. There's a pretty good chance that Saturday will have been our only chance to see Brian Hoyer in the postseason. If so, what a legacy to leave behind: Five turnovers and a stadium full of people wondering why Brandon Weeden didn't get a shot. Hell, I'm not even sure Weeden could have derped that well. Truly a clutch terrible quarterback performance for the ages.

2. Vontaze Burfict. If the Bengals linebacker had just stayed in the locker room after intercepting Landry Jones in the fourth quarter, Cincinnati might have advanced. His game up until that point was plenty impressive, too, with five tackles, a sack, an interception, and a forced fumble. The running-across-the-field celebration might have been kind of dumb, but the needless helmet hit to Antonio Brown minutes later touched off an incident that cost the Bengals their season and is likely to get Burfict suspended to start the 2016 season.

3. Jeremy Hill/Adrian Peterson. It's cheating to have two running backs in this slot, though both of their fourth quarter fumbles were damaging enough to merit inclusion. Hill's was the more baffling, coming just as Cincinnati got what seemed to be a game-clinching turnover.

4. Blair Walsh. By all means, feel for the guy sobbing in the locker room after the game. He'd made the most field goals in the NFL this season and 33 of 34 inside 30 yards in his career. He'll have better days in the future, but from now on he has to live alongside Gary Anderson in whatever the opposite of Vikings Valhalla is.

5. J.J. Watt. He left in the third quarter with a serious groin injury that will require surgery. Before that, though, the Chiefs' clever scheming had rendered Watt a non-factor. With how poorly Brian Hoyer played, Watt could have had the game of his life and the Texans would still have lost, though it was jarring to see him that ineffective.

The divisional round and the conference championship games are typically the best weekends of the NFL season, so if the 2015 season is going to be redeemed, now's the time.

Kansas City at New England
Saturday 4:35 p.m.

Remember that week in 2014 when a bunch of people thought Tom Brady and the Patriots were finished!? If you don't, you're going to be reminded of it soon, as that storyline is going to be rehashed thousands of times over the next five days. Including right here, apparently! Kansas City dominated New England in their last meeting, a 41-14 Chiefs drubbing in Arrowhead in 2014 that had Jimmy Garoppolo taking snaps at the end. It was simultaneously the best the Chiefs have looked and the worst the Patriots have been over the last two years, and possibly longer. Kansas City didn't have Jeremy Maclin then, although it's likely they won't have their top receiver this time either after he suffered a high ankle sprain against Houston. New England struggled down the stretch this season, though should be healthier after a week of rest.

Green Bay at Arizona
Saturday 8:15 p.m.

The ease with which the Cardinals dispatched the Packers in Week 16 took the football world by surprise and made even casual fans cotton to the fact that Arizona is a team to be reckoned with. Arizona sacked Aaron Rodgers eight times that day and turned his fumbles into two defensive scores. Green Bay showed more life against Washington and it's safe to assume they'll put up a better fight in a rematch with the Cardinals. If this game features more instances of Carson Palmer spitting on pictures of Clay Matthews on the sideline, it could steal the weekend, for sure.

Seattle at Carolina
Sunday 1:05 p.m.

A bit of a role reversal from last year's playoffs, when Carolina had to travel to Seattle after a late-season run just to make the postseason. This time, the Panthers are the dominant force in the league, and playing at home. People quipped on social media that Carolina might have been just as sad as Minnesota to see the Seahawks advance. To be sure, the two-time defending NFC champs are not an easy draw, though Carolina knows what they're getting. The Panthers escaped from CenturyLink Field with a 27-23 comeback win in Week 6, one of the many late-game leads that the Seahawks blew early in the season. Might we see Richard Sherman dabbing—with contempt!—at Cam Newton? Yes, I'm fairly confident that is something we're going to see. Sorry, that wasn't much of a teaser. That'll happen.

Pittsburgh at Denver
Sunday 4:40 p.m.

Yup, another rematch of a game from the regular season. For what it's worth, the Steelers-Broncos Week 15 tilt was a pretty entertaining one, as Pittsburgh overcame an 18-point deficit en route to victory. Of course, there are a lot of volatile elements to the rematch. Peyton Manning will be starting for the Broncos this time, though the fact that he's only thrown nine passes in the past two months makes Pey-Pey an intriguing unknown in what will surely be billed as an important game for his legacy. Why? Because Peyton Manning's legacy is apparently on the line every week. How else do you expect the media to artificially raise the stakes?

On the other side, the statuses of both Ben Roethlisberger and Antonio Brown are very much in doubt. The Steelers quarterback is dealing with what is only being described as a "sore" shoulder after a hit that necessitated being carted off on Saturday. Meanwhile, Pittsburgh's top receiver is in the league's concussion protocol after that helmet-to-helmet hit from Burfict. It's difficult to see Pittsburgh having nearly as much success against Denver's defense without both in the lineup playing at or very near full strength. But who knows? Maybe Joey Porter can storm the field and take out half of the Broncos defense. Peezy is known to have some wild adventures in Denver, after all.