The NFL has warned the Seahawks that if Marshawn Lynch grabs his crotch during the Super Bowl, it will earn Seattle a 15-yard penalty for unsportsmanlike conduct. The NFL's officiating czar Dean Blandino told Sal Paolantonio that Super Bowl officials will not only be monitoring the game balls, but Marshawn Lynch's as well. There are not many things capable of drawing attention to Lynch's nutsack more than Marshawn himself, but the NFL making a big stink of it is one of them.
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This is absurd, of course, but the NFL is absurd, so that's exactly why it's happening. Which leads one to wonder how this course of action came to be. Currently, we have no choice but to imagine blue suits, red ties, and haircuts sitting around a mahogany conference table discussing Marshawn Lynch's testicles.
Roger Goodell: Now, this Marshawn Lynch business.Dean Blandino: Sir?Goodell: Goddammit, Dean, you know what I'm talking about. The obsc—Blandino: Oh, the gesture he does when he scores?Goodell: Yes. He scores a touchdown and grabs his penis and testes.Blandino: [blinks]Goodell: Well? What are we going to do about it??DeMaurice Smith: [via speakerphone]: Are you guys serious?Goodell: Shut up, De. [rips phone line out of jack.]Blandino: Well, we should definitely make it so this isn't a big deal and people aren't talking about Marshawn Lynch's ballbag for a week.Goodell: Good thinking, Dean. Here's what we do: we tell the Seahawks and the media a week before the Super Bowl, the most over-saturated week in the history of life itself with less than nothing to talk about for 75 percent of it, that our officials will be watching to see if Marshawn Lynch grabs his reproductive organs during the game. And if he does, it will cost them 15 yards for unsportsmanlike conduct.Blandino: I just don't think…Goodell: Listen, Dean. I've been doing this a long time. We want our sponsors to know that we aren't trafficking in filth, you know? We want to discourage this kind of behavior and get people talking about and watching the game, not some guy's bathroom parts. So it's unsportsmanlike conduct and we are going to vigorously enforce it.Blandino: That's a good idea, sir. But do you think by making this into a "thing" that people will just talk about his…bathroom parts, and show clips of him doing the gesture all week?Goodell: Dean, are you even listening to me? That isn't going to be a problem, I just said it would be against the rules. [Makes "duh" face.]Blandino: That's my fault, sir. I'll call Sal Pal.Goodell: Thanks, Dean. Tell Janice if anyone needs me I'll be at the puppy range. [loads shotgun, walks out].