Stupid Celebrations, Deflategate Is Over (Really!), and More from NFL Week 4: Dumb Football with Mike Tunison

The NFL's reputation as humorless enforcer of bloodsport decorum isn't likely to change anytime soon, so let's not kid ourselves with a rant that it's time for the NFL to relax its rules on dancing and taunting.

The NFL knows there's a great public demand for players showing some glimpse of humanity, because the NFL tries to slyly market to it even as it condemns some dances as flith flarn filth. There is a reasonable argument to be made that cracking down on taunting is a safety issue because it stops fights from escalating and tempers from flaring, and therefore prevents dangerous hits from being doled out. But that's mostly a convenient excuse, as the league has been strict about celebratory conduct long before it ever even pretended to give a shit about safety.

What the NFL can do, however, is make it so that dangerous hits and taunting are not offsetting penalties. There were a few examples of that on Sunday. In the Colts–Jaguars game, Denard Robinson spun the ball after a play and earned a taunting penalty that offset a penalty for an illegal hit on the same play. In the Panthers–Falcons game, Cam Newton was flagged for taunting on the same play where he took an illegal hit to the back of the head on a slide.

Such examples serve to signal that the league considers safety only slightly more important than the sensibilities of its more priggish viewers, who might be turned off by twerking. I doubt there would be many instances of a player taking advantage of this by waiting until an illegal hit had been made so he could taunt his opponents at a relatively low cost to his team, but that's just my read. Your cynicism mileage may vary.

There should also probably be some consistency in what is considered taunting. Jaguars quarterback Blake Bortles was not flagged for punting the ball into the stands after scoring a touchdown, though he will likely be fined for it, as the league commonly does. That's because what Bortles did is not directed at a specific player.

Meanwhile, Josh Norman was flagged in the Cleveland–Washington game for mimicking firing a bow and arrow to celebrate making a play. From what I could tell, that invisible projectile was not aimed at any particular player. Making this even more maddening and arbitrary, this form of celebration has also long been used by several players in the league with no infraction levied: Chiefs safety Eric Berry uses it; it was the sack dance by former Steelers defensive end and beardo Brett Keisel. It's been a thing, in other words.

On the other hand, hearing buffoonish superdunce Jeff Triplette listing "shooting a bow and arrow" as a penalty is hilarious and I'm glad it happened just once.

If you had told the New England Patriots a few months ago that they'd be 3-1 when Tom Brady returned from suspension, well, Bill Belichick would have tied you down and waterboarded you until you divulged the rest of your secrets from the future, time traveler. But they'd also probably be pleased.

So while New England getting shut out 16-0 by Buffalo on Sunday is significant for the Bills, it isn't much a cause for concern for the Patriots except perhaps a reminder that they can't come out flat with their third-string quarterback playing hurt and expect to win. Belichick is, if anything, extremely emotional, so even if the loss isn't that costly, he spiked the hell out of one of those tablets that Microsoft pays to have prominently displayed on the sidelines.

As any reasonable homer will tell you, it's better to get a loss out of your system, anyway. That way you don't get to 18-0 just for Eli Manning to ruin your dreams while looking like he has a milk allergy.

You might have missed it on account of a concerted effort not to spend any more of this precious life thinking about pigskin PSI levels, but Deflategate officially ended last night when the NFLPA announced that it would not pursue any further legal action against the league for the four-game suspension handed down for a combination of Tom Brady maybe deflating balls and not surrendering his cell phone for inspection.

Parity. Ever heard of it? It's this thing the NFL has that causes standings to shift wildly from year to year. That's an extremely glib and probably obnoxious way to account for why the Carolina Panthers and the Arizona Cardinals, the two teams that took the field in the NFC Championship nine months ago, each stand at 1-3 after four weeks. The better short explanation might be that the Panthers defense isn't as good as it was last year and probably misses Josh Norman, while the Cardinals can't stop turning the ball over. Each team is a missed field goal away from being 2-2 and therefore less of a disappointment, but it just goes to show that only the slimmest of margins separate the kinda bad teams from the colossally awful in the NFL.

• In London, Colts cornerback Antonio Cromartie combined the power of the anthem kneel with the fist raise for a powerful double protest in front of the assembled Brits and expats.

• During pregame warmups, DeSean Jackson wore cleats that depicted images of police tape. In a statement released before kickoff, Jackson made sure to mention that his cleats aren't meant to demonize cops, but rather to show concern for an untenable situation. Concern noted.

• In Chicago, a man in a gorilla suit and an "All Lives Matter" shirt ran onto the field. Whatever your thoughts on race relations, this is a decidedly bold gambit in the discourse wars.

A guy dressed as a gorilla wearing an 'all lives matter' shirt just ran onto the field at the Bears game — Nik Gaur (@Gaur_Nik)October 2, 2016

We brought a little bit of DUUUVVAAL to the U.K. — Jacksonville Jaguars (@Jaguars)October 2, 2016

The Jaguars won their first game of the year, and of course it was their London game, if only because jokes about the Jags eventually moving there are among the most powerful forces in football today. In a move that wasn't all a coordinated effort from marketing, the team tweeted that owner Shad Khan had a can of Bud Light bearing the team's logo in the owner's suite. I mean, he may have brought the beer on his own accord. I don't know. It's actually less disturbing thinking it's a marketing effort than assuming the Jaguars front office assumes the best way to connect with the local Jacksonville market is mass-produced light beer.

After proving to the world in Week 1 just how difficult it is to get diagnosed with a concussion in the NFL, Cam Newton defied the odds by sustaining a head injury serious enough that even football doctors could not disregard it. Linebacker Deion Jones hit Newton in the head as the quarterback broke the plane of the goal line on a two-point attempt. Newton was flagged earlier in the game for taunting Jones, which is a connection I wouldn't put past the NFL to use to justify cracking down on taunts. They lead to concussions!

Help me: — I don't fucking know (@JoshuaThotties)October 2, 2016

Often, when there's a fumble pile and possession has been awarded, a player from the other will emerge from the scrum with the ball and people get upset, even though it's just someone who snatched the ball away after a ruling had been made. The Duke Johnson fumble yesterday against Washington doesn't qualify as one of those. Johnson fumbled the ball and was shown to possess it even before Sarah Thomas awarded possession to Washington. As all turnovers are reviewed, the NFL claims the fumble was confirmed over instant replay without need to stop the game and there was no definitive look that would have overturned it. So it may very well have been an incorrect call, but the NFL had one way to prove it, so once again, as with the bad taunting penalty on Terrelle Pryor a few weeks back, fortune vomits all over the Browns even when they're playing halfway capably.

my new favorite fan is Tattoo Mark — Mike Tunison (@xmasape)October 2, 2016

If you fuck with Tattoo Mark, I'll cut ya. Tattoo Mark is my boy. I know him from way back, before the fame. Before even the tattoo. Back then, he was just Bareback Mark. That led to incredible mockery, the kind I hope you never have to face in your life. He's brave in ways you'll never know.

1. Julio Jones, Atlanta Falcons. Only the sixth NFL receiver ever to go over 300 yards in a game. His total was nearly 100 yards better than this season's previous high of 205 yards, which the Lions' Marvin Jones put up against the Packers last week. Julio was clearly just making up for the one catch for 16 yards he posted last Monday night against the Saints despite the offense going off for 45 points.

2. Aqib Talib, Denver Broncos. While the Broncos' quarterback situation dominates the news thanks to the injury to Trevor Siemian and the first snaps taken by Paxton Lynch, it's business as usual for the Denver defense. Talib had two picks, the first ending Tampa's opening drive and setting up Denver's offense at the opponent's 11, where they got the first score of the game on the next play.

3. Le'Veon Bell, Pittsburgh Steelers. DeAngelo Williams has been great as the Steelers' backup rusher, but having Bell back from suspension really opens up the Pittsburgh passing game, as evidenced by how frequently the Steelers had him line up at receiver against the Chiefs. Bell had a huge impact on the ground, too, going for 144 yards on 18 carries to go along with his five receptions for 34 yards.

4. John Kuhn, New Orleans Saints. If white people were reasonable, they'd agree to consider and act on racial inequality in exchange for the occasional three-touchdown game from a burly fullback. And so it was that John Kuhn put up a late-career Jerome Bettis–type stat line, with three scores on five touches and 12 total yards.

5. Cameron Jordan, New Orleans Saints. The Saints defensive end had a little more to do with New Orleans' victory against San Diego, helping to clamp down on the Chargers' running game while also contributing a sack and a forced fumble.

1. Colts receivers. Indy's offensive line didn't do Andrew Luck a ton of favors in London, and yet even they were overshadowed by the ineptitude of the receiving corps, who at one point in the second half only had one more reception than they had drops.

2. Marcus Peters. It can be boom or bust with one the NFL's top young corners, and on Sunday it was decidedly the latter. He gave up a big play to Sammie Coates in single coverage to set the tone for what would be a 43–14 rout in Pittsburgh, and surrendered three completions on his first four targets. Of course, it would have helped if the rest of Kansas City's defense pressured Ben Roethlisberger on more than four of 29 dropbacks.

3. Marcus Mariota. The Titans quarterback completed fewer than half of his passes and threw one of the uglier interceptions of the season against a Houston defense facing life without J.J. Watt for the rest of the season. Mariota hasn't thrown a touchdown since Week 2 and seems like he may be doomed for a sophomore slump after what was a mostly promising rookie season.

4. Travis Benjamin

and

5. Melvin Gordon. The Chargers running back and receiver were responsible for killer late-game fumbles in their own territory that allowed the Saints to erase a 34-21 deficit in the last five minutes of the game. Nothing demoralizes a franchise quite like having a former starting quarterback return and steal a victory and that's exactly what Drew Brees did. Look at what you all are doing to lovable psychopath Philip Rivers:

Philip Rivers said he has to 'laugh to keep from crying.' — Annie Heilbrunn (@annieheilbrunn)October 3, 2016

The premium the Vikings paid to acquire Sam Bradford in the days before the start of the season will follow the organization for years, though it's difficult to argue that the early returns aren't encouraging. It's sort of like selling your car in exchange for a $20 scratch ticket then winning $100 on it.

In two starts, the No. 1 pick of the 2010 draft has even impressed Bradford's most dogged critics—and with five years of mostly underwhelming play under his belt, he has more than a few. Bradford outplayed Aaron Rodgers in the Vikings' Sunday night victory over the Packers two weeks ago. Last week in a win over Carolina, he reverted to his more expected game-manager role with Adrian Peterson lost to injury.

If it's an even more overblown narrative ye seeks tonight, there's Eli Manning's career difficulties with the Vikings. Eli has thrown five touchdowns to 14 interceptions in seven starts, while the Giants have gone 2-5. That's over the span of 12 seasons. When you factor in that the average NFL career is 3.3 years, that's several lifespans in the football world, meaning there's scant connection between almost all of those Minnesota teams and the one that suits up Monday night. That Eli threw four interceptions in a game in 2005, three of which went to Darren Sharper, has close to zero bearing on what happens in 2016.

Why, it's so ridiculous that Eli has dad jokes when you ask him about it.

Eli Manning's funny full quote about the — Pat Leonard (@PLeonardNYDN)September 28, 2016

Of course, there's a good chance the Minnesota defense does bully Manning. If they do, it won't be for any reason other than the fact that the present incarnation is very, very good. It's definitely not because Eli wets himself whenever he sees an opponent with horns on his helmet or anything.

Vikings defensive end Everson Griffen has been an incredible talent for six years in Minnesota—he made the Pro Bowl in 2015—but it seems like he's only now starting to get his due nationally. Griffen has four sacks in three games to start the season, and earned Defensive Player of the Week honors for his performance against the Panthers in Week 3. Should the Vikings stay undefeated, it will be Griffen who leads the way in tormenting poor Eli.

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