Would You Look at This Ronaldo Tweet for One Goddamn Second?

— Cristiano Ronaldo (@Cristiano)October 28, 2016

Would you just look at this Ronaldo tweet for one goddamn second? Look at that those abs, which of course was the first thing you looked at, even if you didn't mean to. Look at the space between his middle abs, a deep cavern like the valley in which the Colorado River runs. Look at his perfect cleavage, which neatly divides in perfect symmetry just above that chasm. Look at the abs. He's not even flexing, you know. Those are just his abs.

Look at Ronaldo's face. Look at his dumb, ridiculous, amazing face. Look at the way he's looking at you, kind of sleepy, or maybe sexy. It's like he is trying to stare deep into your soul but his vision isn't that great so he can only see your boobs. Look at that Adam's apple, which is so rock-hard and pronounced it could open a can if necessary. Look at those collar bones, which jut out from his ridiculous triangular shoulders like they're desperately trying to escape. Look at the way his bone structure yearns for freedom.

Look at that fucking coat. What is even going on with that coat? Look at the fucking buttons on that coat. What the fuck is with those goddamn buttons? This is the ugliest coat I have ever seen. I would never wear it. Look at the massive fur neckline and thick winter covering, extra warmth Ronaldo surely needs since he's not wearing a shirt. Look at the way it's draped over him—not worn or adorned—so casually except for the fact that he's barely holding it in place with his right hand. Look at the way he tries to make it seem like he's being bashful at the same time as he sits there without a shirt. Look at the incongruity of his existence in this one moment.

Look at that emoji. Look at Ronaldo, objectifying himself. There is nothing in this world Ronaldo approves of more than his own image. After all, can you really be worshiping a false idol if you're worshiping yourself?

Would you look at this goddamn tweet of a photo of Ronaldo hitting on himself? Would you look, just for one second, at this world for just one brief second, for all its beauties and flaws, incomparable divine pleasures and horrors alike? Would you just look, for a quick minute, at the nexus of evolution and devolution, meeting in one moment, where a jackass half-wears a coat without a shirt for a tweet?

Would you, please, for just one minute, or two, or forever, look at Cristiano Ronaldo? He would appreciate it.