Dirk Nowitzki Models Enormous Turtleneck Sweater Thing

ONE: Here is a tweet with a picture of Dirk Nowitzki wearing a turtleneck. Frankly, if you have seen this picture, 80 percent of the purpose of this post has been accomplished, and you can close the window now. But if you have nothing to do, I have some thoughts, and I invite you to please read them.

TWO: I'm not here to make a Sartorialist's Choice for him. I'm here to talk about, write about, really dig deep in the extraordinariness of this tweet, this picture, this question. Dirk Nowitzki, the greatest seven-foot shooter in the history of the NBA, a generational talent and an innovator, posted a picture of himself in a gigantic turtleneck that's large even for his seven-foot frame, a worn pair of loose jeans, and a pair of Florsheim-ass shoes. He's holding his chin like a cool guy, looking straight at the camera, and tilting his head as if to say, "I'm interested in this pamphlet, sir, please, tell me more," or "Hmm, I'm talking to you at this party, but I am truly bored." There's a whole universe of possibilities, depending on your point of view.

THREE: You have to assume that his wife, Jessica, took this picture. Going from there, you have to assume that Dirk and Jessica were going through their closets, throwing stuff out, and they came upon this sweater, and one of them was like, "No, absolutely not," and the other was like "Oh, wow, c'mon, this looks nice!" and they decided that the only solution was to crowdsource an answer from Dirk's 2.6 million Twitter followers.

FOUR: Who was on what side? I truly do not know. I suspect that Dirk, middle-aged now, attracted as one is to the colors and moods of one's youth, wants to keep the sweater. Hence the sassy head tilt.

But then again, wives love it when you wear something nice, or so I've been led to believe. No one I've met will marry me, I don't think, and turtlenecks are…somewhere on the "nice" scale. Maybe the head tilt is sarcastic, Dirk exaggerating to really push the goofiness of the turtleneck, to free himself from this turtleneck obligation.

We really and truly cannot know. I surveyed a bunch of committed sportswriter husbands on Twitter, and their responses were varied and confusing, from one writer who said his significant other was really into the idea of the turtleneck (she regarded it as a "10/10" proposition) to another who relayed a harrowing tale about his wife laughing at him for an hour and a half, and every possible response in between. There is, truly, no unity on how how wives feel about turtlenecks.

FIVE: But seriously, how do we feel about this thing? It's too loose and that turtlenecks is, well, it's "fucking gigantic," but man I dunno, maybe it works. Maybe its destiny is to play a harmony role in a broader ensemble, with a suit jacket or a giant warm fake-fur-lined coat. If Dirk combined this thing with a nice jacket, maybe something with a rustic feeling, I really think he could create some very powerful autumnal vibes when he walked into a room.

Provided, he does live in Dallas, not exactly a place where you can channel fall's crisp chilly air simply via the power of clothes. These suggestions might come exclusively from my Pacific Northwester rain- and cold-addled brain. There is no fixed truth when it comes to this turtleneck.

SIX: But the open-ended literary narratives aren't even the most notable thing about this sweater. Not to brag or anything, but I, Corbin Smith, have covered a not inconsiderable number of sporting events for various publications. I get to go back to the media room, I eat what I presume to be free food, I talk to other sportswriters about, like, hemorrhoids or whatever, but most importantly, I get to see these titans of sport, these human gods who have deigned to walk among us, in person, up close.

Almost inevitably, I'm deeply struck by how thin they are. Certainly, they have defined muscles and stuff, their running form is beautiful, you can hear their wrists snap when you watch them shoot, but, like, if I was walking down the street and I walked past most of these dudes, I would mostly think, Wow, what a thin fella. Even Marc Gasol, the NBA's heftiest boy, was a relatively thin dude. It makes sense, of course: being thin helps you run on hardwood every night for 30 minutes a night, makes you faster, makes your respiratory system work better. But photos and videos don't completely capture this aspect of an NBA player's existence.

At least, not until now. This comically oversized turtleneck, all vertical stripes and flat panels, is the first thing I've ever seen that profoundly emphasizes the essential quality of thinness in an NBA player. The entire thing is hanging off Dirk's big-ass shoulders and swallowing the rest of his body in a drape, a whole atmosphere of sweat and dead skin and breezes forming underneath. If my dude stuck his hands in the air, like Christ, and twisted his body around, the whole sweater would fill up with air and flop around in every which direction.

It truly is totally insane how small he is in that giant sweater. Does he know that? And if he does, how does he feel about it? We don't know. The enigma is impenetrable.

SEVEN: One more thing: those shoes are absurd. Why are they so shiny? Why are you wearing them around the house?

Dirk, if you're reading this, please realize that a nation is looking at those kicks and asking: What are those?