Which of These College Lacrosse Player Names are Real? An Important Quiz

It's not important how it starts. The internet is a black hole with other, smaller black holes within it, and to pass through it daily is to be pulled helplessly into one wormhole or another. Sometimes it is harmless, and you wind up learning a lot about something important. Other days, you get Event Horizon-ed into a realm of pure horror, except instead of being hunted by a malevolent naked Sam Neill, you are staring—quite suddenly, quite helplessly, for reasons you don't even understand—at a college lacrosse roster on which everyone is named, like, Scooper Marble or Hayes Hayes.

I'm making it sound worse than it is. Sam Neill is a fine actor, and college lacrosse names that sound like white-shoe law firms or pilgrim foods are delightful. With that in mind, we invite you to join us on a journey through this particular wormhole, to a place where the only limits are your imagination and the contents of the L.L. Bean catalog's outerwear section.

Your challenge: determine which of the following names belong to actual NCAA Division I lacrosse players, and which were produced by submerging a random name generator in mayonnaise and gin. The answers are at the bottom.

COLLEGE LACROSSE NAMES: REAL OR NAH

1) Deemer Class

2) Tarpley Lord

3) Blimpley Wedge

4) Bobby Beers

5) Bug Carper

6) Connor Conner

7) Bear Altemus

8) Wolf Shrimpberry

9) Eric Sanschagrin

10) Weems Shorter

11) Bear Goldstein

12) Tanner Scales

13) Tripper Noseman

14) Beau Bayh

15) Cooper LaFondle

16) Morgan Cheek

17) Max Planning

18) Deck Beanes

19) McLean Chicquen

20) Sharpe Fish

21) Charlie Better

22) Wheeler Guntt

23) Tann Boot

24) Brewster Warble

Answers:

Real: 1, 4, 5, 7, 9, 11, 12, 14, 16, 17, 19, 21, 24