Mad Dog and Peter King Bring Forth the Apocalypse By Arguing Over Brady's Balls

As a connoisseur of bad arguments and quantum physics, I have always wondered what would happen if two people shouted at each other until their heads collapsed in on themselves like tiny dying stars. Peter King and Chris "Mad Dog" Russo arguing over Deflategate is probably not this precise scenario, but it's the closest we have gotten thus far in our species' meager existence.

The argument begins with Mad Dog admitting he's never read the Wells Report. Ordinarily, this would be fine. Nobody should read the Wells Report. But, if you're going to talk about the Wells Report, which, unfortunately for Mad Dog he has decided to do, then you should probably read the dang report.

Peter King told him as much. "You should read that report."

"I disagree," retorted Mad Dog convincingly.

Two minutes later, King said the exact same thing: "Chris, you have not read the report. That is tremendously irresponsible."

This time, Mad Dog chose to disagree with Two Minutes Prior Mad Dog and agree with Current-Time Peter King. "That's fair…I'll take that hit." The quantum ballet ensues.

Over five and a half minutes, these two shrinking heads argue over the Ideal Gas Law, what cold weather does to air, whether the NFL functions like a court of law (LOL), and other matters of vital import. Mad Dog demands King tell him whether Tom Brady doctored the footballs. Peter King replies "I don't know" eight times, each time growing more indignant over the need to repeat himself to a man who's made a career by listening to no one, including himself.

King's voice rises to a whining pitch as the air escapes his head and the mass within his skull turns gravity inward. Mad Dog's head becomes so thick it can no longer handle its own gravitational force, and also begins collapsing on itself. The whole affair devolves as both men shout at the top of their lungs simultaneously. Both of their skulls become vortexes of energy as they begin to engulf the entirety of humanity, sucking everything we have accomplished into its relentless gravity and destroy everything we have accomplished and achieved. This is it, this is the end. I love ya.