Hello! Meet the new Washington Wizards logo. How do you feel about it? Does it make you uncomfortable?

It shouldn't, but it might. If you are an American, or really a person from any country, you have had various obvious and subtle sexual hangups instilled in you more or less since birth, and they are still beeping and wheezing away in your grown-up, sophisticated unconscious to this day. And whatever you think of this logo, it will doubtless be very upsetting to those subconscious alarms, because it is absolutely lousy, up and down, left and right, north and south, with subliminal allusions to and symbols of human sexuality.

Advertisers and brand-builders like to "slip" these sorts of things into their work, to engage the audience on a deep psychological level. Sometimes they don't so much sneak them in as put a giant male erection right in the middle of the logo. Here, we are dealing with both.

I will now take you through a tour the logo. By identifying the symbols the Wizards—acting as Psychological Wizards, setting loose the arcane parts of our brain where our deepest, most carnal sex-thoughts reside—decided to use, we can take away their power over us and defuse their dark power.

The logo features the Washington Monument in the middle and it looks like a man's fully erect penis. My research shows that no one has previously observed this about the Washington Monument, so this finding may seem shocking to you.

This star resembles an anus. In concert with the Washington Monument, which, as I remarked, looks like an erect penis, you can see here a fairly graphic depiction of anal sex, which is absolutely beautiful and natural no matter if it is being performed in a heterosexual or homosexual relationship, but is also not usually something that shows up in the middle of a professional sports team's logo.

I would also propose that the star and the Washington Monument make an exaggerated portrait of vaginal intercourse. You just need to think about the human form as a star with five points: an arm, a head, another arm and two legs (Here is a picture of me demonstrating:)

The Washington Monument Penis is being inserted between the Star's legs. You will also notice that the Washington Monument Penis is surrounded by blue (The Color of Men and the sky) and the star is accented by red (The Color of Women and the womb). The white borders are semen.

I find the implications of this size difference to be somewhat troubling, a sexual power structure that feels retrograde and patriarchal. Make sure you explain this to your children, so they can recognize and critique the troubling subliminal ideas that Wizards owner Ted Leonsis is trying to push on them.

When they see and recognize the symbol, only then can they work to disarm its effect on their subconscious.

I have spent entirely too much time dwelling on the implications of the penis. The new Wizards logo also has vulvic aspects. As you can see, once turned upside down, the separate panels form a kind of red and blue flower.

You might be thinking: "Corbin, this is all extremely compelling and convincing so far, but a red and blue flower? Those do not exist!" As it happens, a hydrangea planted in soil that is both acidic and alkaline in sections will flash both colors at once, in a rather beautiful display:

Flowers, as anyone who has ever seen a Georgia O'Keefe painting can tell you, often represent a vagina and/or female sexuality. Clearly, this is the case here. Six petals, three red, three blue, surrounding the flower's stigma/style/ovary complex, the little star in the middle.

In this case, the giant Washington Monument perched above the flower is a clitoris.

Nearly every letter resembles a sex organ or act of some sort, and the letters in WASHINGTON WIZARDS are no different. Of course, that means all of written language is a sublimated expression of sexual desires; I do not have the time to get into this right now, but it's good for you to be aware of it.

CONCLUSION: I hope this exploration of the sexual symbolism in the Washington Wizards new logo will give you newfound power over the subliminal symbols in not only this logo, but all other logos. Thank you.