The Gronk Ship Lollipop Launches, Is the Stuff of Waking Nightmares

Some might call it heaven. Others... not.

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Feb 20 2016, 8:15pm

If your idea of heaven is being stuck on a boat with a fully bro'd-out Robert James Gronkowski—wearing little but a pair of neon board shorts and a smile, grinding the fuck out of some ocean-swaying floorboards—then by all means, let your occupancy keep us from its pearly gates. Because for everyone else, the cruise—which launched yesterday—is a very real manifestation of all our waking nightmares, and we're glad you and your people have left us behind for the Rapture.

In case you haven't heard already, Robert decided to throw himself not just a party, but some kind of late-winter Spring Break three-day marathon cruise from Miami to his own private island, whereby Gronk is the center of your mind, body, and soul. Think of Gronk as your spirit animal. Now throw up a gallon of corn syrup and grain alcohol into the Atlantic Ocean.

The cruise has been in the works for at least eight months, meaning that real human beings—who presumably operate on logic—have had nearly the amount of time it takes to create a human life to rationalize that they want to drop somewhere between $700 - $1,100 for rooms, and $225 in additional fees just to be close to Gronk's sweaty, undulating body.

The boat has already made it from Miami to the island in the Bahamas, and we don't want you to feel left out. So here is a choice selection of what's going down (there is so, so much):

Even Gronk has to go through security for his own party cruise. Especially when he's packing so many GUNS:

Good God.

Last night Flo Rida—one of many musical guests on the Gronk cruise, including Waka Flocka Flame and some other EDM DJs you might find on an abandoned pamphlet on the Las Vegas Strip—graced the open seas with his majesty, introducing us to the shirtful Gronk we all know and love. Welcome to Gronk's House.

Yeah, but that wasn't going to last long (see first video)—not even for Papa Gordy Gronk. Still got it.

Gronk himself even did a costume change for the evening, adding a towel to his ensemble. Fucken yikes.

But the cruise's views were clearly spectacular.

And Gronk was thoughtful enough to give people some hair of the dog before their included photo op with the man(child).

And it turns out that Gronk's private island in the Bahamas is not just a palm tree with some sand around it. It actually looks pretty nice.

So far there haven't been any deaths reported, and it seems like most people are pretty chill about the whole impending STD thing. Fun is being had by all. So what's the harm? I bet a lot of people in their own personal Gronk heaven are asking themselves, "can this please last forever?" And for those of us who aren't there, we also hope it lasts forever. You can have it.