The great Ann Coulter was kind of enough to provide us all with a lengthy list of reasons as to why soccer sucks and in turn, why she hates the sport of soccer.
While it was inspired as much as it was informative, we went ahead and decided to respond by providing a thoughtful retort for each item on her list, FJM-style, to deftly explain why her list sucks.
I've held off on writing about soccer for a decade—or about the length of the average soccer game—so as not to offend anyone.
Let me stop you right here. You probably should've held off on writing about soccer for another decade, you fucking idiot. And soccer games are typically over in two hours. Quicker than almost every other major sport, you fucking idiot.
But enough is enough. Any growing interest in soccer can only be a sign of the nation's moral decay.
The true sign of our nation's moral decay will be when someone shows me the abundance of pageviews this shitty column got.
(1) Individual achievement is not a big factor in soccer. In a real sport, players fumble passes, throw bricks and drop fly balls -- all in front of a crowd. When baseball players strike out, they're standing alone at the plate. But there's also individual glory in home runs, touchdowns and slam-dunks.
Yes, because a goal is scored when three players kick the soccer ball at the same time, you fucking horror show. And the celebrations, as well all know, are quite tame and rarely focus on the individual who experienced glory.
In soccer, the blame is dispersed and almost no one scores anyway. There are no heroes, no losers, no accountability, and no child's fragile self-esteem is bruised. There's a reason perpetually alarmed women are called "soccer moms," not "football moms."
Going after soccer moms is tragically foolish. If you're pelted with orange peels the next time you leave your apartment, you'll certainly know why.
Do they even have MVPs in soccer? Everyone just runs up and down the field and, every once in a while, a ball accidentally goes in. That's when we're supposed to go wild. I'm already asleep.
Don't act like you've never gone wild and woken up your neighbors when a ball accidentally went in, Annie.
(2) Liberal moms like soccer because it's a sport in which athletic talent finds so little expression that girls can play with boys. No serious sport is co-ed, even at the kindergarten level.
What ever happened to treating men and women as equals? Stop being such a bitch.
(3) No other "sport" ends in as many scoreless ties as soccer. This was an actual marquee sign by the freeway in Long Beach, California, about a World Cup game last week: "2nd period, 11 minutes left, score: 0:0." Two hours later, another World Cup game was on the same screen: "1st period, 8 minutes left, score: 0:0." If Michael Jackson had treated his chronic insomnia with a tape of Argentina vs. Brazil instead of Propofol, he'd still be alive, although bored.
Totally agree. That marquee should've simply read "FUCK YOU."
Even in football, by which I mean football, there are very few scoreless ties -- and it's a lot harder to score when a half-dozen 300-pound bruisers are trying to crush you.
Oh christ. Just say it, Ann. Vince Wilfork makes you horny.
(4) The prospect of either personal humiliation or major injury is required to count as a sport. Most sports are sublimated warfare. As Lady Thatcher reportedly said after Germany had beaten England in some major soccer game: Don't worry. After all, twice in this century we beat them at their national game.
We have players going full Hannibal Lector and biting other players in the name of winning. Some might ask what the fuck is wrong with Luis Suarez. I say, what the fuck is wrong with Ann Coulter?
Baseball and basketball present a constant threat of personal disgrace. In hockey, there are three or four fights a game—and it's not a stroll on beach to be on ice with a puck flying around at 100 miles per hour. After a football game, ambulances carry off the wounded. After a soccer game, every player gets a ribbon and a juice box.
They don't get ribbons, they get sliced oranges from their applauding mothers. Get it right, asshole.
(5) You can't use your hands in soccer. (Thus eliminating the danger of having to catch a fly ball.) What sets man apart from the lesser beasts, besides a soul, is that we have opposable thumbs. Our hands can hold things. Here's a great idea: Let's create a game where you're not allowed to use them!
A desperate plea to be touched cleverly disguised as an "I hate soccer" column. Gotta give you credit here.
(6) I resent the force-fed aspect of soccer. The same people trying to push soccer on Americans are the ones demanding that we love HBO's "Girls," light-rail, Beyonce, and Hillary Clinton. The number of New York Times articles claiming soccer is "catching on" is exceeded only by the ones pretending women's basketball is fascinating.
No one on earth outside of women's basketball, save for SI's Richard Deitsch, is pretending women's basketball is fascinating. No one.
(7) It's foreign. In fact, that's the precise reason the Times is constantly hectoring Americans to love soccer. One group of sports fans with whom soccer is not "catching on" at all, is African-Americans. They remain distinctly unimpressed by the fact that the French like it.
Eaaaaaaasy, Annabelle. There are like seven black dudes on the United States' national team, including Tim Howard who, without a doubt, read this and expressed his disappointment in your ignorance. He'll proceed to make another breathtaking save. Tim needs to keep that score low, you see.
(8) Soccer is like the metric system, which liberals also adore because it's European. Naturally, the metric system emerged from the French Revolution, during the brief intervals when they weren't committing mass murder by guillotine.
There's no way to argue with this logic. Point, Coulter.
Despite being subjected to Chinese-style brainwashing in the public schools to use centimeters and Celsius, ask any American for the temperature, and he'll say something like "70 degrees." Ask how far Boston is from New York City, he'll say it's about 200 miles.
Let's count the coded language in this little paragraph: 1) "Chinese-style" 2) "brainwashing" 3) "public schools." What does this all mean? Much like the above, absolutely nothing.
Liberals get angry and tell us that the metric system is more "rational" than the measurements everyone understands. This is ridiculous. An inch is the width of a man's thumb, a foot the length of his foot, a yard the length of his belt. That's easy to visualize. How do you visualize 147.2 centimeters?
Pssst, you're subconsciously referring to the length of things on men a lot, here, Coultie. That's a little under five feet. It's 1.472 meters, too. Math is easy!
(9) Soccer is not "catching on." Headlines this week proclaimed "Record U.S. ratings for World Cup," and we had to hear—again—about the "growing popularity of soccer in the United States."
It was the highest-rated event on ESPN outside of its NFL and college football. It definitely sucks.
The USA-Portugal game was the blockbuster match, garnering 18.2 million viewers on ESPN. This beat the second-most watched soccer game ever: The 1999 Women's World Cup final (USA vs. China) on ABC. (In soccer, the women's games are as thrilling as the men's.)
It's a really great look to hang your hat on the issue by negging one of the most iconic moments in American sports.
Run-of-the-mill, regular-season Sunday Night Football games average more than 20 million viewers; NFL playoff games get 30 to 40 million viewers; and this year's Super Bowl had 111.5 million viewers.
The NFL is popular. Oh. Your prize for this stunning revelation is a bowl of half-eaten Snausages.
Remember when the media tried to foist British soccer star David Beckham and his permanently camera-ready wife on us a few years ago? Their arrival in America was heralded with 24-7 news coverage. That lasted about two days. Ratings tanked. No one cared.
The guy sounds like a hobbit going through puberty. Give America a little credit on this one. And you're the only asshole talking about it seven years later.
If more "Americans" are watching soccer today, it's only because of the demographic switch effected by Teddy Kennedy's 1965 immigration law. I promise you: No American whose great-grandfather was born here is watching soccer. One can only hope that, in addition to learning English, these new Americans will drop their soccer fetish with time.
May whoever has to empty your bedpan or replace your colonoscopy bags in a few years spit in your food and be the most beautiful biracial person in the world.