Reviewing Famous Hollywood Catches Using NFL Rules

Catching used to be so simple. You see something in the air—maybe flying, maybe falling, but definitely subjected to gravity and on the move—so you reach out one hand, maybe two if you're into fundamentals, and grab hold. It's the most natural thing in the world, assuming you're a primate. Simple, unless you're watching a NFL game.

Even the very phrase "act of a catch" has taken on a new meaning—a kind of "Whose Line Is It Anyway?" sketch. OK, Wayne Brady, you are the receiver. Catch the ball with one hand with one foot down and drag your other foot while following out of bounds. Ryan Stiles, you play the ref looking under the replay hood…only instead of football footage, you're watching German fetish pornography.

Existential catch/no catch debates have so dominated NFL Sundays of late that it's only a matter of time before the league's hopelessly convoluted completion logic begins to affect how we view all forms of entertainment. And while it's kind of annoying when the game stops for several minutes of unsatisfying legalistic parsing and Mike Carey diction, the prospect that the NFL's pseudoscience could change the way in which we re-watch Big Trouble In Little China is unacceptable.

Twitter, Real Life Edition — Rodger Sherman (@rodger_sherman)December 13, 2015

The act of a catch is often crucial to the plot of action movies. Film heroes are always trying to catch something or someone, and the result is usually pretty simple: They catch it, or they don't. But that is simply not how we catch (or don't catch) anymore. In order to understand where the future of catch-related entertainment viewing might be head, let us revisit a few beloved film catches through the lens of an NFL referee.

Frodo Baggins catches the One Ring—Lord of the Rings

Frodo winds up with the ring in his hand, and he should be ruled down after Aragorn drags him away. The real problem here is the lack of conclusive evidence on the replay. One second the ring is dancing on the tip of his finger, the next second he's invisible! I can be shown every replay angle the league office has at its discretion, and I still won't be able to see a damn thing. We'll have to go with our original call on this one … whatever that is.

Upon further review: no conclusive evidence to overturn.

Gabe Walker catches Sarah—Cliffhanger

This one is probably going to be a little controversial, but let's break this scene down, Gruden-style. Gabe catches Sarah. He maintains possession with both feet on the rope, and makes a definitive football move, at least in the sense that Sylvester Stallone's acting is the ultimate football move.

This is a catch, friends. The only argument to be made is that Stallone fumbled Sarah out of bounds (i.e. the bottom of the mountain), but that wouldn't make this any less of a completion.

Upon further review: catch.

Luke Skywalker catches his lightsaber over the Sarlacc pit—Return of the Jedi

Clearly, Luke goes out of bounds when he jumps off the plank; a review confirms that he has both feet technically in the Sarlacc. He then flips back in bounds, established himself inbounds with both feet, and catches the lightsaber.

But is he an eligible receiver? We'll have to consult Rule 8, Section 1, Article 4 of the NFL rulebook, which pertains to ineligible receivers. One example of an ineligible receiver is:

"An eligible receiver who has been out of bounds prior to or during a pass, even if he has re-established himself inbounds with both feet or with any part of his body other than his hands."

Which seems simple, except for:

"Exception: If an eligible receiver is forced out of bounds by a foul by a defender, including illegal contact, defensive holding, or defensive pass interference, he will become eligible to legally touch the pass (without prior touching by another eligible receiver or defender) as soon as he re-establishes himself inbounds with both feet or with any part of his body other than his hands."

Going by the book, this is only a catch if Jabba the Hut's minion forced Luke out by making contact with his axe. If he didn't touch Luke, and he jumped out off the plank on his own, then this should be a penalty on the Rebel Alliance.

Is Luke touched? It's impossible to tell on replay.

Upon further review: no conclusive evidence to overturn.

George Stone catches a baby carriage—The Untouchables

Incompetence reigns in this clip. Kevin Costner lets go of the carriage, suddenly nobody can hit anything, one gangster keeps shooting at the baby carriage for some reason, and Brian DePalma interrupts his slavish Battleship Potemkin homage by showing us close-ups of an oddly calm baby. It's confusing and chaotic and overall almost as bad as watching the Titans.

But, but: does it count as a catch? Stone has one hand and one leg on the carriage, and clearly makes a football move in shooting the last gangster in the head, which is not technically targeting under NFL rules. Conclusive!

Upon further review: catch.

Mola Ram catches a Sankara Stone—Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom

With the clock running down and his team down big, Indy decided to run a play for his most potent offensive weapon: Shiva, the Destroyer.

Did Mola Ram complete the catch? Simultaneous possession goes to the offense, but Indy takes the stone away before possession can be established. If he had held onto the stone until he was eaten by the crocodiles, Mola Ram would have been down by contact and the catch would be complete. Dude needs a few sessions with the JUGS machine.

Upon further review: no catch.

Jack Burton catches Lo Pan's knife—Big Trouble in Little China

This all happens pretty quickly. Burton snags the knife and tosses it back to Lo Pan, with "back" being the operative word here. Clearly, this is a lateral. The knife is then embedded in Lo Pan's brain and never touches the ground. Easy call, here.

Upon further review: catch (all in the reflexes).

Would NFL rules sabotage these movies? Hardly. If anything, they've added layers of intrigue and meaningless deliberation and legalistic argumentation.

The same can be said for NFL games in this era of the ambiguous catch. No longer are these contests mere rote documentaries of men passing and catching a ball. They are drama; they are mystery; they are, increasingly, procedurals. Does it even really matter who wins, when we don't understand what the hell is going on? As with all fine art, everything is open to interpretation.