Geoff Burke-USA TODAY Sports
Three Stars of Comedy
The second star: Angry (former) Olympians. Passive-aggressive hockey stars are my favorite hockey stars.
The first star: Jack Eichel gets some pointers. Yeah, it's these guys again. Honestly, it was kind of slim pickings this week and I didn't feel like seeing who the Golden Knights' Twitter was murdering this week, so let's just go with this.
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Outrage of the Week
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Obscure Former Player of the Week
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The NHL Actually Got Something Right
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This is huge. Until now, you couldn't look up Ken Dryden's save percentage on a site like Hockey-Reference. Now we have it on the NHL site. Mix in the detailed box scores for individual games and game logs for players, and this is a gold mine for stats geeks.The site itself is still a pain to use, and it's hard not to hope that Hockey-Reference or whoever else just grabs all the data and drops it into their far more user-friendly interface. But even if that happens, the NHL deserves plenty of credit here. This couldn't have been a small project. And it's not one that's ever going to put any cash directly into the league's pocket.
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Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown
- It's March 2014, and times are good in Colorado. After missing the playoffs for three straight years, the Avalanche are good again, and well on their way to what will turn out to be a 112-point season. New coach Patrick Roy has turned the team around, and all that losing is clearly a thing of the past. It feels like it's time for a song.
- Wait, we're not ready yet. Gabriel Landeskog is still sleeping. Rest up, little cowboy, you've got a big day ahead of you.
- We get a few more dramatic shots of players, including Nathan MacKinnon walking down the street and nodding. We can't hear what's being said to him, but it's safe to assume it's "Is this a terrible idea?"
- We also get a look at Matt Duchene, who is WAY TOO CLOSE TO US RIGHT NOW. Seriously Matt, back up a few steps and try again. Is this how you ask Joe Sakic for a trade? Because if so, I think I might understand why he's not listening to you.
- We're 30 seconds in and I already feel like I need a shower. Oh, cool, thanks Paul Stastny, perfect timing.
- Oh look, Landeskog is awake. At, uh, 3 PM. He's either just had his game-day nap, or he's doing an impression of me in college.
- I'll be honest, I spent a little too much time trying to figure out which player was lip-synching next to the big drum. That is, of course, the lead singer of Imagine Dragons, whose song this is. Apparently we're going to get a few shots from the real video, which is, believe it or not, even weirder than this version. Really. There's muppet cage-fighting and everything.
- Meanwhile, we get Avalanche players lip-synching lyrics like "checking out on the prison bus" and "this is it, the apocalypse." Um, are we sure this video isn't from this year?
- We get some shots of game action, mixed in with angry Paul, shirtless Gabe, and Matt Duchene's tonsils. I feel like MacKinnon got off easy in all this. All he has to do is stand on a bridge and look like he's thinking of jumping, which doesn't even really count as acting at this point.
- "We'll paint it red, to fit right in." I'm guessing that "it" is Semyon Varlamov's goal light.
- Can we just point out that Landeskog looks roughly 37 years old? Are we sure the NHL isn't a bad TV series about high school kids and they just cast a bunch of middle-aged actors to play Landeskog and Aaron Ekblad?
- Hey Gabe, how are you feeling about the 2017-18 season?
- We make it two minutes in before our first shot of Roy. Seriously, you couldn't have got a giant drum and let him beat on it for a while? You could put a Red Wing goalie's face on it and just let him do what comes naturally.
- At 2:20 we get a quick cameo from George Parros. Hey George, congrats on the new job, do you have the power to retroactively suspend marketing departments?
- We conclude with Landeskog turning to the camera and dramatically asking "Why not us?" The follow-up video, in which a bunch of shirtless analytics geeks lip-synch the words "because your success is driven by PDO and is completely unsustainable," did not prove as popular.
- It won't shock you to learn that this video wasn't exactly well received; it was called "bizarre" and "dumb" and "the ickiest thing ever." To this day, the team hasn't been allowed to forget it.
- Oh, and the 2013-14 Avalanche were upset in the first round by the Minnesota Wild. Stastny left as a free agent that summer, Roy quit on the team last summer, Duchene wants out, and they haven't been back to the playoffs since. At this point, the whole franchise seems like it's…contaminated? Toxic? I feel like there's a better word here, but I can't quite find it. I'm going to strip down and go sing into my mirror until it comes to me.