And Big Ben did. Allegedly.
Photo by Charles LeClaire—USA TODAY Sports
If life truly is a highway, like they say, then perhaps we have been given no greater rest stop with a view than the news that our president had an affair with a porn star. Allegedly.
In the polygraph-corroborated 2011 interview with In Touch, published in full today, adult film actress Stormy Daniels recounts a whole boat-load of interactions with one Donald Trump. And boy, let me tell you people, they are salacious.
Because our president is a gold mongering magpie, you probably were expecting to see some celebrities pop up in Daniels's account, and you wouldn't be wrong. But here's a real curveball: apparently, it's Pittsburgh Steelers quarterback Ben Roethlisberger who makes the cameo.
Here's the excerpt, recounting the moments after consummating the affair:
After. We were still in the bedroom. We hung out for a little while and he just kept saying, “I’m gonna call you, I’m gonna call you. I have to see you again. You’re amazing. We have to get you on.” I ended up leaving and the next night I saw him again at a party. It was in the downstairs of the hotel I was in and he was hanging out with Ben Roethlisberger. When I got there, he was already with him. He had Keith, his bodyguard, call me and ask me if I was coming. When I got there, I called Keith and he told me where he was sitting and he brought me over. And he was hanging out with Ben for a long time. A couple other people around, nobody famous. Mostly people trying to hang on to them. Ben had just won the Super Bowl that year. Donald excused himself. He had to leave, I don’t remember why, and he made Ben promise to take care of me. I stayed another 15-20 minutes and Ben Roethlisberger actually walked me up to my room that night because Donald told him to. Yeah, he walked me all the way to my hotel room.
So the chronology checks out for sure. The affair (allegedly!) took place in 2006, the Steelers won Super Bowl XL in 2006, and Trump doesn't hang out with losers, so this all adds up.
The clownish grab bag of other details includes Trump asking—post-coitally—if Daniels can sign one of her DVDs for him (unclear if it was porn), and the seizure inducing quote, "I can describe his junk perfectly." But maybe the finest moment pertains to Shark Week.
The strangest thing about that night — this was the best thing ever. You could see the television from the little dining room table and he was watching Shark Week and he was watching a special about the U.S.S. something and it sank and it was like the worst shark attack in history. He is obsessed with sharks. Terrified of sharks. He was like, “I donate to all these charities and I would never donate to any charity that helps sharks. I hope all the sharks die.” He was like riveted. He was like obsessed. It’s so strange, I know.
Ben Roethlisberger being entangled in Trump's affair, and Trump revealing his true mission at the helm of nuclear warheads: to kill all of the world's sharks. Yes, Stormy Daniels, these are strange times indeed.