Ryan Lochte Totally Wrote His Own Apology Letter

Just imagine him contemplating the em-dashes—do I add a space before and after them or not?—and deciding whether "candid" or "honest" sounds better to the Brazilian and American public.

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Aug 19 2016, 3:43pm

On Friday, Ryan Lochte finally put out a statement regarding a series of events that left him appearing like a fugitive on the run, got two of his teammates yanked from their plane just moments before it was scheduled to take off for the U.S., and has people around the world wondering about the behavior of entitled athletes. If you don't know what we're talking about, then you've certainly been hiding under a rock. But here is a recap. There are even more developments today.

After an extensive review, we at VICE Sports can proclaim that we think Lochte totally wrote the above apology letter for allegedly lying about being robbed, pissing all over and vandalizing a Rio gas station, and fleeing Brazil. Like, no question he wrote this. Just imagine him contemplating the em-dashes—do I add a space before and after them or not?—and deciding whether "candid" or "honest" sounds better to the Brazilian and American public. Definitely not his lawyer whatsoever.

This is a brief glimpse into how the man normally speaks:

"What defines me? Ryan Lochte." - Ryan Lochte.