Brace Hemmelgarn-USA TODAY Sports
Three Stars of Comedy
The first star: Jaromir Jagr is back – While we mourn the loss of a potential Jagr Draft, we'll welcome his return to the league for what will probably be one of his final half-dozen seasons.
Advertisement
Be It Resolved
Advertisement
Advertisement
Obscure Former Player of the Week
Advertisement
New Entries for the Hockey Dictionary
Advertisement
Advertisement
Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown
- Our clip begins the way all sports clips from the 80s must, with some sweet brass horns. We also get a look at the key moment of the 1986 playoffs, Steve's Smith's infamous own goal (which we broke down in detail a few months ago). Yep, still traumatizing to watch.
- That leads us to our host, Hockey Night in Canada's Brian McFarlane. He's going to walk us through the offseason moves of all 21 teams. Yes, the NHL was significantly thinner back in the mid-80s. Weren't we all.
- First up: The defending champion Habs. We find out about Mario Tremblay, and also a goalie trade. I'm sure that's the last time those two things will appear in a sentence that matters to Montreal fans.
- Next up are the Nordiques, who have a pair of blue chip wingers incoming in Ken Quinney and Jason Lafreniere. Spoiler: Those two will go on to score 30 goals for the Nordiques. Total. Over both of their entire careers.
- The Bruins are next, and they'll have slightly better luck with their new winger, a kid named Cam Neely who came over from the Canucks. He seems like a guy who could be dominant for decades to come, and really fills a kneed. Wait, I meant to type "need." Ah well, probably not important.
- The big news for the Sabres is the return of Gilbert Perreault, which was a weird story that doesn't last. But the main takeaway here is that you'll be seeing this in your nightmares for the next few months:
- The Whalers round out the Adams. Pro tip: It's rarely a good sign when your goaltending is referred to as a "workaholic." But speaking of goalies, I'm thinking that Flyers rookie with "the famous hockey name" turns out to be OK.
- The Caps haven't done much, and the main highlights of the Islanders clip is Terry Simpson making the same face every Islander fan makes when they think about John Tavares leaving in free agency. Well, that and Brian Curren's extremely subtle "How you doin'?" eyebrow move. But the Rangers have big news, as Phil Esposito arrives to start what will go down in history as quite possibly the most entertaining GM stint ever. He keeps the job for three years and makes 43(!) trades, including one for a coach.
- So…uh…Steve Guenette sure seems happy to be a Penguins, doesn't he? Enjoy the two games you'll appear in this year, Steve. Meanwhile, we close out the conference by learning that the Devils haven't really done anything, because they're still a year away from going on miracle playoff runs and fat-shaming referees.
- The Oilers have lost Dr. Randy Gregg but added Danny Gare. The latter earns a defiant "Who said he wouldn't make the team?" Uh, he lasts 18 games and scores one goal before heading for the broadcast booth, so…somebody who was pretty much right?
- The Flames section is a bit of a downer, as first-round pick George Pelawa has recently died in a car crash. At the time, Pelawa was widely rumored to be the subject of the Tom Cochrane classic "Big League," although that's apparently not the case.
- We also get a look at a Flames prospect named Brett Hull, who we're told once hit the post in a playoff game. He does see some action during the 1986-87 regular season, but scores only one goal. Bust!
- In Winnipeg, a Finnish forward named Hannu Jarvenpaa is "a real find." He manages just 11 career goals, although the Jets do slightly better on another Finnish forward a few years later. Meanwhile, the Canucks are excited about Barry Pederson, who came over in the Neely trade. He actually does OK in Vancouver, posting back-to-back 70-point seasons, but it's fair to say it's not quite enough.
- The Kings' section may be my favorite. They've got two prospects, and for once both turn out to be worth the hype. Jimmy Carson scores 50 goals as a teenager and gets traded for Wayne Gretzky, while Luc Robitaille becomes the highest-scoring left winger ever. So yeah, not bad. But the highlight is a baby-faced Robitaille's deadpan and slightly cross-eyed stare into the camera, ending in a smile that lasts a nanosecond.
- Finally, it's on to the Norris Division, starting in Chicago where Behn Wilson is hurt and Everett Sanipass "looks good." Also looking good: Those old Blackhawks uniforms without names on them, which we get a look at while hyping Minnesota's Frantisek Musil as a Calder favorite. (He received zero votes; Robitaille won, followed by Hextall and Carson.)
- The Blues have lost Jacques Demers to the Red Wings and replaced him with "little-known Jacques Martin." It's fair to say Martin turns out alright. Here, he looks exactly like 2017 Jacques Martin wearing a fake novelty mustache.
- The Leafs have Vincent Damphousse, who turns out to be really good, and John Brophy, who turns out to be really fun. In related news, as a young Maple Leafs fan at the time I pronounced Damphousse as "Damp House" for the first few years of his career. And I pronounced Brophy as "the scary old man who looks like he wants to crawl through the TV and eat me."
- We close with the Red Wings, where first overall pick Joe Murphy already looks like a bust (he was, at least in Detroit) and Demers needs to pull off a miracle to improve the team. He more or less does, becoming the only coach to ever win back-to-back Jack Adams in his first two years with the Wings.
- And that wraps up our look at all the changes NHL teams had made during the 1986 offseason. It all ended up being pointless, as Wayne Gretzky and the Oilers decide to stop scoring into their own net and cruise to the next two Cups, losing just seven playoff games in the process. But don't worry, I'm sure that won't be the case this year!
- (There's, uh, not a dominant dynasty with the world's best player out there, right?)