Screen capture via Twitter/@scottywazz
Three Stars of Comedy
The second star: The Minnesota Wild – It's all about the cup.
The first star: This photo – I don't know the context. I don't want to know the context. I don't want the date, or the explanation, or the uncropped photo. Leave the memories alone, don't change a thing.
Outrage of the Week
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Obscure Former Player of the Week
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Debating the Issues
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In favor: Seriously? The same bunch of guys who wet the bed all season long just need to try harder and everything will be fine?Opposed: Well, OK, it's not just trying hard.In favor: Thank you.Opposed: They also need to compete better. And be mentally tougher. Also, more grit.In favor: Those are all just different ways to say "try harder."Opposed: Oh oh oh! They also need to be hard to play against.In favor: I'm sorry, but do you actually believe this? You really think that success in the NHL just comes down to effort level, and whoever wants it more will win? That in an era where the game is faster and more skillful and better coached than ever before, with results that are driven by elite talent, you think the answer to a terrible season is to just roll up your sleeves and try more?Opposed: I do, yes.In favor: Are you five years old?Opposed: I am not.In favor: Then who exactly are you?Opposed: Oh, that. I'm the GM of your favorite team.In favor: Right. I thought you sounded familiar.Opposed: Yep, the roster I assembled isn't the issue. That part's all good. Once those players start trying harder, everything will be fine.In favor: I see.Opposed: Please don't fire me.In favor: Hey, quick question: didn't you justify pretty much every trade you made over the last few years by saying you were changing the culture and adding more heart? So isn't getting players who try hard also part of your job?
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Classic YouTube Clip Breakdown
- Yes, it's time for our quasi-annual tradition of kicking off the playoffs by breaking down a classic FOX Sports hockey intro. This one's from May 7, 1995, which was the first year of FOX's NHL deal. It's one of their first crazy intros, so it doesn't quite hit all of the notes we've come to know and love—for example, the announcer occasionally manages to use a noun without clipart of that object streaking across the screen. But it covers most of the bases, so let's dive in.
- "Fox is doing fine…" Strong start. I always like my sports broadcasts to start off like they're a spouse who's angry at you but won't tell you why.
- We get about 20 seconds in, and we've already seen two staples of mid-90s Fox broadcasts: A soundtrack from a 1970s adult movie, and dancing Sergei Fedorov. Poor Sergei. They had him come in one day and dance for like five seconds, a they used that footage on absolutely everything for the rest of their NHL contract. It shows up multiple times in this clip alone. No wonder he signed with Carolina and Anaheim and then to Columbus. He was desperately searching around for a market where nobody watched hockey and he could escape this clip.
- Bad news for Dallas, who we're told will have to go to Motown without top gun Mike Modano. "I sure hope Modano can eventually make it to Detroit," wishes a Stars fan on who would later regret not being more specific.
- "Mike Vernon's here to plug the leaks." Tell that to Patrick Roy's face.
- Huh. Apparently you couldn't say "hell" on Fox Sports NHL broadcasts in 1995. But somehow you were still allowed to say "Tugnutt."
- I'll just leave this here:
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- Our Sabres/Flyers preview sees the sound effects guy go into overdrive, as he starts putting Batman-style punching noises on everything. Does it work? Of course it does. But for the record, "the Roadrunner Pat Lafontaine" wasn't a thing. That name was already taken, FOX. But I'll give them a break, since they're new at this. Hey, at least they're pronouncing all the names properly, right?
- Whoops, spoke to soon, as Pavel Boor-hay and the Canucks face Mike Keenan for the second year in a row. Oh well, Vancouver fans mutter, what's the worst that Keenan could ever do us?
- Also, did they just hit us with a "Bubba Brett Hull"? That also wasn't a thing, but damn, it should have been.
- After a little casual 90s misogyny, one more Fedorov twirl, and a final assurance that FOX is doing fine, really, don't worry about it, because if you cared then you wouldn't even have to ask so just drop it, we're off to the best part of any FOX intro: The bizarre special effects montage featuring lightning bolts, exploding players, and this image from your next few weeks of nightmares.
- We cut to some highlights from the previous night's action, including the Capitals taking a series lead on the Penguins, which I'm sure ended well. We also get a reminder that the Nordiques existed, and Dave Maloney's hot take that it's time for the Rangers to bench Mike Richter. Uh, Dave, Richter and the Rangers won the Stanley Cup last year, I'm pretty sure they're not yanking him for Glenn Healey one game into the playoffs. (They did, and they won the next game 8-3, because even retroactively I'm wrong about everything.)
- We also find out that Eric Lindros is injured. But Denis Potvin doesn't think that will be a big deal, because—if I understand him correctly±the Flyers can turn it into a Motor-Vader. I'm with him, that sounds pretty intimidating.
- [Goes to change "Weeks since John Davidson appeared in a YouTube section" sign to zero.]
- [Realizes the sign has been at zero since 2014, shrugs, goes back to watching video.]
- Was anyone else watching Davidson on the monitor directly behind Davidson and waiting for him to start yelling about how the show is about the elderly, or is that just me?
- Next it's over to St. Louis, where Mickey Redmond is breaking down the similarities between the Blues and Canucks. Brett Hull and Pavel Bure are both elite scorers, Curtis Joseph and Kirk McLean are both excellent goalies, and Brendan Shanahan and Trevor Linden are both power forwards who could someday rebuild a last-place NHL team into a contender within two years and/or decades.
- Redmond throws it to Detroit, where… wait, why isn't Mickey Redmond doing the Detroit game? This is weird.
- Anyway, we're reminded that the Red Wings haven't won a Cup in 40 years, and are then shown a list of longest Cup droughts: Detroit, Chicago, Toronto and Boston. And at this point the video abruptly ends, because I smashed my laptop over me knee like Bo Jackson.
- But don't worry, I'm not mad. Not at all. I'm doing fine.