In Saving Sunderland From Relegation, Big Sam Has Gone Absolutely Supermassive

"You fookin' ingrates!" Big Sam cries, as he's wrestled from his office at St James' Park by 15 burly security men and a couple of tea ladies. "You'll rue the day, you daft barmpots!" This is something reminiscent of the scene on 9 January 2008 when – after only eight months – Sam Allardyce was sacked by Newcastle United.

It hadn't been an ideal season for Big Sam. Newcastle's form was mixed at best during his time at the club, while the fans were quick to deride his direct of play. He was doing his bloody best, though. He was trying his bloody hardest, alright. Back then, he was a square-jawed stallion with a full head of thick brown hair and the arrogant swagger of a man who had taken Bolton Wanderers to the UEFA Cup Round of 32. His dismissal from Newcastle hurt his pride.

Nobody hurts Big Sam and gets away with it, as Mike Ashley and co. have just discovered at a terrible cost.

Some thought Sam's anger would be sated by Newcastle's first relegation at the end of the 2008/09 campaign. That somewhat vindicated his time on Tyneside, proving that aesthetics are all well and good until they drag you down to the black depths of the Championship. However, Newcastle's one-season stay in the second tier clearly didn't slake his thirst for vengeance. He would have his satisfaction, and it would be slow, calculated and altogether fookin' magnificent.

In the years since his Newcastle sacking, Sam has gained a reputation for rescuing struggling clubs. If you're in a relegation dogfight, you want to see Big Sam swooping down in his Gloster Gladiator, spraying your enemies with good, hard, British steel. When he took over at Sunderland in mid October, Newcastle fans could have been forgiven from feeling a frisson of trepidation. Still, as much as Sam might have yearned to save Sunderland from relegation at Newcastle's expense, he would have to move heaven and earth to pull it off.

Big Sam would be the first to admit that, when he arrived on Wearside, the Sunderland squad was basically shite. In goal, there was the fumbling sack of nerves that is Vito Mannone. In defence, there was the painfully slow and inept centre-back pairing of John O'Shea and Younès Kaboul. The midfield was a complete mess of overseas players, none of whom could seem to get their heads around the fact that Lee Cattermole was allowed to play professional football. At 33 years of age, Jermain Defoe was the Black Cats' main attacking outlet. On paper, the team was probably the most dysfunctional in the Premier League.

Nonetheless, with a win against Everton on Wednesday evening, Sunderland are now safe. Despite the fact that the side have spent 237 days in the relegation zone – more than rock-bottom Aston Villa – Big Sam has hauled them to safety. Straining every muscle in his Herculean body, he has heaved Sunderland above Newcastle and Norwich, condemning his foes to the Championship. He has turned his gaze upon Tyneside, and St James' Park has crumbled to ash.

In saving Sunderland, the man from Dudley has done more than simply move heaven and earth. Big Sam has become Supermassive Big Sam, expanding into the ether like a vast and volatile star. When Newcastle fans look up and see his face glowing in the sky, they will know it as a harbinger of doom. He is Sam the Destroyer, Sam the Unbowed, Sam the Unrelegated. Millions of miles from Earth, his celestial chest will boom with a mighty laugh of retribution. The words "You fookin' ingrates!" will explode from his gaping maw, sending shards of galactic chewing gum ricocheting round the cosmos.