St. Totteringham and His Healing Hands: The Premier League Review

This article originally appeared on VICE Sports UK.

Though this is meant to be a lighthearted Premier League review – a whimsical glance back at the latest round of top-flight fixtures – it will serve as something closer to a lament this week. The league season has now come to a close, and so all whimsy must come to an end. The world will be a grey and wearisome place until the Premier League is returned to us, a monochrome limbo scorched by a colourless sun.

Still, at least we can take some solace in an eventful final weekend. Let us forestall the misery of summer, fellow football fans, and cast a critical eye over the last few games.

In what has been a fractious campaign for Arsenal, it would have been no surprise had the final day of the season been marked by an apathetic – or downright unpleasant – atmosphere. Having failed to maintain their title challenge over the last few months, the Gunners' home games have been characterised by swathes of empty seats and the occasional, impotent outburst of #WengerOut. With the majority of supporters still disdaining to voice vocal discontent against the manager, the fanbase has been internally divided.

There have been deep wounds inflicted upon the support. Fortunately, those wounds have now been tended to by the healing hands of St. Totteringham.

If Arsenal fans were hoping for a St. Totteringham's day miracle on Sunday, the most venerable of all latter-day saints delivered in style. While Arsène Wenger's side strolled to a 4-0 win against Aston Villa, Tottenham imploded with a 5-1 defeat to already relegated Newcastle and ended up finishing behind their North London rivals – this despite having their best league season in decades.

As the score at St James' Park filtered through to the Emirates, it was akin to a religious awakening. Thousands of supporters took to Twitter to offer up 140-character prayers to the gods. Out came the gifs, the memes, the online polls, and all the other holy accoutrements of the Arsenal fanbase. Previously optimistic Spurs fans were retweeted with a godlike fury, and so the collective catharsis began.

Though it may not entirely cure the rancour amongst Arsenal fans, the miracle of St Totteringham's Day was of genuine symbolic importance. In celebrating Spurs' failure together, the Emirates faithful have been spiritually redeemed.

Having finished a whopping 10 points clear at the top of the table, this might seem like the perfect opportunity to write yet another paean to Leicester's season. We could very easily pen further tributes to Claudio Ranieri's men, but that would be to ignore the teams whose limelight Leicester have so selfishly hogged.

West Ham, Bournemouth and Watford have all overachieved over the course of the campaign, and all deserve high praise for their efforts. However, Southampton's achievements stand out from the rest. Ronald Koeman has steered the Saints to a (provisional) fifth-placed finish, totting up a club record 63 Premier League points along the way. The club have qualified for the Europa League, meaning there will be European football at St Mary's for only the third time since 2003.

In any other season, Southampton would be the ultimate underdog story. But Leicester just had to go and win the league, didn't they? The attention-seeking bastards.

For most managers, the idea of going from Real Madrid to the Championship in the space of five months might seem nightmarish. For Rafa Benitez, however, the transition from Madrid's unwanted man to Newcastle's Spanish saviour seems to have been a breath of fresh air.

While Rafa will doubtlessly have wished he could have saved the Magpies from relegation, the response he's elicited from the fans might well convince him to stay at the club. Performances like that against Tottenham have enthralled the Geordie nation, and they have taken Benitez to their soft, warm hearts. While his time at Real was defined by media sniping, megalomaniacal egos and the incessant booing of their joyless fans, he's been welcomed in Newcastle with open arms.

It must feel good to be wanted again. Now, Rafa just has to decide whether or not he wants to spend the next year presiding over Tuesday night games at Molineux and Ewood Park.

If there's anything that epitomises the British spirit, it is the reaction of football fans to a bomb scare. While you might think that cold fear would be the natural response to a potential terrorist incident, the scenes at Old Trafford this weekend suggest we're more inclined to neck a can of Tennent's Original Export before making light of the situation with some good, old-fashioned bants.

#Mufc fans in Sam Platts making the most of a bad situation. Come to bomb United
You've only come to bomb United!!! pic.twitter.com/rvTsfdk3Ut
— MUFC Songs & Chants™ (@MufcSongs) May 15, 2016

After half of Old Trafford was evacuated due to a suspicious item, Manchester United fans took the opportunity to make up a load of chants about ISIS and generally have a great old time. As it turned out, the bomb scare had nothing to do with ISIS and was actually down to one of the great security cock ups of our time.

Nevermind, though, we're still going to sing about Jihadi John and wang back the tinnies. The day football fans stop bantering about ISIS is the day the terrorists have won.

'Jihadi John we don't give a fuck, we're gonna win the FA cup' pic.twitter.com/Nj55uTEi9y
— Will Johnson (@WillJohnson_20) May 15, 2016

This really is the end of the Premier League, then. Apart from Tuesday evening's rearranged match between Man United and Bournemouth, there'll be no more league football until August.

That means no more excuses to sit in the pub all weekend. No more Match of the Day. No pretext to escape from our families, our children, and all the other people who make our lives a monotonous living hell. Nothing to talk to people about at housewarming parties, and no common ground with our fellow man. No reason to get up in the morning, or even draw breath.

Enjoy the summer everyone!