Down Goes Brown's Grab Bag: Give That Ugly World Cup Trophy to the Tournament's Worst Team

This article originally appeared on VICE Sports Canada.

(Editor's note: Welcome to Sean McIndoe's Friday grab bag, where he writes on a variety of NHL topics. You can follow him on Twitter.)

The third star: James van Riemsdyk—At this stage in his career, JVR has basically settled in as that one half-decent veteran that you totally forget was still on the Maple Leafs' roster. But he took time out of his summer schedule to do what everyone in Toronto does when they have spare time: take a shot at ex-Leafs captain Dion Phaneuf.

Gee, I wonder where all that hostility is… oh, right.

The second star: Zach Bogosian—The Sabres' defenseman decided to make Willie Mitchell feel really old by revealing a letter he'd written as a kid.

I was a big — Zach Bogosian (@BogosianZach)August 4, 2016

I don't know about you, but I want to hear more about this back flip.

The first star: This armed robbery—Armed with a goalie stick, that is. And also full pads. That's just how beer story break-ins go down in Manitoba, OK? Don't look at us that way, America, you've got your own problems.

Russell RCMP release video of burglar in goalie gear — Winnipeg Free Press (@WinnipegNews)August 26, 2016

One suspect has already been cleared in the case.

We're weeks away from the start of the World Cup, which means, as a commenter on last week's post reminded us, we're also weeks away from seeing that terrible trophy.

I'm not breaking any new ground with that observation. We've covered it before, and it's not exactly a controversial stance. Everyone seems to hate the trophy, and fans were dismayed when it became apparent that the league would be bringing it back.

But it is back, as confirmed by Bill Daly, so we have to make the best of it. And I think we can do that, because we still have an out. Daly said they're bringing the trophy back. He didn't say they were necessarily giving it to the winner.

So be it resolved: The ugly trophy that everyone hates will still be awarded at the 2016 World Cup, but it goes to whichever team finishes last.

Four of the eight teams in this year's tournament will make the playoffs. I say we make the other four play a consolation round. Win and you get to go home. Lose, and you have to show up for the last-place game, one that determines who'll finish dead last in the entire tournament. And that loser has to accept the trophy.

And I don't just mean "accept" it as in the captain has to skate over and nod at it. No, we're going to make the losing team do the full hockey trophy thing where they hand it off from teammate to teammate. Everyone has to do a full lap—even coaches, Scotty Bowman style—while fans rain boos and ridicule down on them.

It will be just like the Stanley Cup ceremony, except instead of giving the first few handoffs to the most deserving veterans, the losing captain can seek out whichever player was most to blame for the team finishing last. Come on, tell me you don't want to see Tomas Plekanec angrily chase down Ondrej Pavelec and throw the trophy at him after an 8-2 loss to Team Europe. It would be the highlight of the tournament.

We finish off the handoffs, engrave all the losing names on the trophy, and then every player on the losing day has to spend one day with it. They can hide it away in a shed somewhere like a disgraceful family secret if they want to, but they'll know. And at night, the local children will be able to hear it scream.

Earlier this week, I wrote a piece about the 1991 Canada Cup. Team Canada won that tournament, but it was notable for being the first time that Team USA made the final of a best-on-best tournament. And in true American hockey fashion, they did it with a roster that featured a mixture of true superstars and obscure players (including previous pick Pat Jablonski).

So for this week's honors, let's go with another member of that 1991 squad: grinding defensive winger Randy Wood.

I haven't done the research, but I'm going to go ahead and say that Wood is the only NHL player to be the son of a Princeton coach, be raised in Manchester-by-the-Sea, and go on to attend Yale. Typically, that's the résumé of a pro wrestling villain, not a defensive forward. But after going undrafted, Wood signed with the Islanders as a 23-year-old in 1986 and appeared in six games. He settled into full-time duty the following year, and stuck on the roster until 1991, when he was traded to Buffalo as part of the Pat LaFontaine blockbuster. He'd also play for the Leafs and Stars, eventually retiring in 1997 with 334 points to show for in 11 NHL seasons.

Two memorable things about Randy Wood. First, his name absolutely sounds like it was made up for an Austin Powers movie. And second, he once scored a playoff overtime goal for the Leafs, making him the second most obscure Toronto OT hero ever, behind Cory Cross but ahead of Garry Valk.

This week, Don Cherry had thoughts on Colin Kaepernick's national anthem protest. It went about as well as you might expect.

But the whole Kaepernick controversy has raised an important question: What if this happened in the NHL? It never would, because nobody who plays hockey is allowed to have an opinion on anything, ever. But let's just pretend that it did.

Could you refuse to stand for the national anthem if you were an NHL player? How would that work? If you weren't starting, you could just sit on the bench, which would be easy enough. But what if your coach put you in the lineup for the opening faceoff and you had to stand at the blueline? Would you sit on the ice? Kneel? Would a deep crouch be enough? I'm not sure it would be.

I threw this question out on Twitter earlier in the week, and readers came back with various suggestions of how a hockey protest could do (turn your back on the flag, refuse to take off your helmet, etc). But I'm not sure any of those would be enough to earn a Kaepernick-like reaction. I think you'd have to spend the anthem making snow angels in the faceoff circle to really get the point across.

And this being the NHL, where every anthem singer has to have his or her own cutesy gimmick to draw attention to themselves, there's no way somebody else would be allowed to steal their spotlight during their three minutes of fame. I guaranteed that Rene Rancourt would run over and drop a flying elbow on anyone who didn't stand for his anthem. He'd probably time it to coincide with "the bombs bursting in air."

I really want this to happen now. Somebody tell a hockey player it's OK to care about things and let's see what happens.

So speaking of national anthems…

It's been a rough summer for the whole anthem thing. Kaepernick spent the last few days launching a thousand hot takes. That followed a brief controversy at the Olympics after Gabby Douglas failed to put her hand over her heart during the anthem after winning gold. And Canada had its own problems, thanks to a singer who tried to make a statement by changing the lyrics to "O Canada" at the MLB All-Star Game. Some are calling for us to do away with anthems before sporting events altogether.

So today, let's get everyone back on the same page by reminding ourselves of how truly beautiful our national anthems can be.

• It's Dec. 1, 1991, and the Jets are hosting the Chicago Blackhawks in Winnipeg. The Hawks are riding a four-game losing streak and looking to get back to .500 against a surging Jets team, and none of that matters because here comes Mr. Burton Freaking Cummings to make sweet love to the national anthems.

• Don't go pretending you don't know who Burton Cummings is, American readers. Civil wars have started over less.

• Our clip starts a few seconds late, presumably because it took whoever recorded this two whole words of "The Star Spangled Banner" to realize he was watching history unfold. But we can assume nothing strange happened, because Ed Belfour isn't attacking anyone.

• I don't know about you, but I can never get enough of watching hockey players awkwardly shuffle in place during the national anthems. It's got to be tough. It's like, hey go on out there and fight and claw and bleed to get the win but first let's all stand around and listen to a few songs together.

• By the way, this was from the NHL's 75th anniversary season. The league marked the occasion by doing two things: Getting the Original Six teams to wear new uniforms, and something else that we'll get to in a minute. But that's why Chicago looks weird.

• And I don't mind telling you that I loved these Blackhawks uniforms. Then again, I think I've loved every Blackhawks uniform ever. Seriously, have they ever had a bad one? I'm not sure they have.

• Every Canadian of a certain age just saw that "Sports Select" logo and had an uncontrollable urge to lay down two dollars on a straight ticket of ties and become a millionaire.

• I love the fact that Cummings is accompanying himself on the keyboard. They presumably asked him if he wanted a band or backing music or help from the organist and he was like "Nah, just an extension cord, I got this."

• I think we can all agree that this is the greatest version of the US national anthem performed at any event involving the Chicago Blackhawks from 1991, right? Cool, just making sure.

• We get a shot of the flags, and the famous portrait of the Queen that hung in between them at the old Winnipeg Arena. Fun fact: This year, that same portrait was offered for sale on the Canadian equivalent of Craigslist.

• Cummings wraps up the U.S. anthem to warm applause, and here comes my favorite moment of the whole clip: He just keeps playing. No pause, no break, nothing. He just goes directly into the Canadian anthem without even changing the song he's playing.

• I mean, I'm no historian, but I'm pretty sure that "The Star Spangled Banner" and "O Canada" are not the same tune. I feel like I would have noticed that. They seem pretty different to me. But not to Burton Cummings, who's just going to do one minor chord change and then keep plowing forward and you will damn well like it.

• By the way, my favorite Cummings moment was when he found the six-fingered man who killed his father.

• Seriously, I'm sure they're as patriotic as anyone else, but every hockey player who's listening to a national anthem makes the same face my wife makes when I try to tell her what happened on a wrestling PPV and she just desperately wants me to stop talking so she can get on with her life.

• At around the 2:20 mark, Cummings goes all rogue tenor on us and starts switching up the lyrics. If you pause it at the 2:40 mark, you can see the one fan with the glasses doing the "Uh, that's not how this song goes" thing to his friend, who doesn't care. At least I'm pretty sure that's what he said. If you're out there, glasses guy, and I have this wrong, just keep it to yourself. Let me have this.

• OK, so about that other 75th anniversary thing I mentioned earlier. In addition to the alternate uniforms, the NHL also made all 22 teams pick a celebrity captain, and it's fair to say that the choices were a little, uh, eclectic. (I ranked them all here.) And who did the Jets choose? Why, good old Burton Cummings.

• My favorite part of that story is that Pro Set made hockey cards for a few of the captains, like Jim Belushi and Mr. Rogers (yes, really). Cummings got one, too, and while everyone else just sent in a head shot, for his card he had his photo taken on the ice wearing skates and a full Jets uniform with a captain's "C" on it. What I'm trying to say is that Burton Cummings rules.

• Cummings finishes up, the crowd cheers, and that wraps up the clip. By the way, the Jets went on to win this game in overtime. If you're a long-time reader, you may be wondering if it was the same game that featured that infamous thrown-in goal that I broke down last year. It's not, since that was from 1993. But here's a fun twist: Guess who sang the national anthems at that game? Good old Burton Cummings! You can find that performance here. He does the exact same transition, by the way.

• If the Jets and Hawks ever meet in the playoffs, I want Cummings do the anthem before every game, home and away.

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.