Why Everyone Should Cheer for Team North America at the World Cup of Hockey

Team Canada will win the World Cup of Hockey.

Let's not kid ourselves. The NHL's store-brand version of the Olympics has one team that's kilometers better than all the others. Could Sweden steal a game with a Hasek-ian performance from Henrik Lundqvist? Could Tuukka Rask make 50 saves in a 1-0 win that guts a nation? Yeah, but Canada is pretty much a casino with rigged games.

"Hit me!"

"21."

"Yes!"

"Oh, you want another card?"

"No."

"Look, 28. Bust. Give me your chips."

"I didn't want another card!"

"Security, escort coach Tortorella and his players out of the building. Take all their money, too."

That's why everyone—even you, Canada—should be cheering for one team and one team only in this cash grab exhibition spectacle.

Team North America.

Don't you remember what it was like to be a high school freshman? You wanted to beat the seniors, the older kids, the cool people. Team Canada is the bullies, The Plastics. Tyler Seguin is a tattoo-sleeved version of Regina George with a better wrist shot. Mike Babcock is the mom that's drunk on his own power and pretends to be part of the clique.

If you really need reasons to abandon nationalistic pride for a couple weeks, let me lay out a convincing five-point argument.

1. Don't Be A Bully: If you're an American basketball fan, please look away for a second. I promise we are not going to talk about you. It's just that this part of the story doesn't require your attention.

OK, cool. What's worse than an American basketball fan during the Olympics? They pump out their chests while beating inferior nations that only picked up basketball 20 years ago and are simply insufferable. Oh, wow, you beat Angola by 50 points? If you're that interested in boring, foregone conclusions, watch a few episodes of Ballers.

When you cheer for Canada on home ice during a hockey tournament, you're basically cheering for the Soviet hockey team in 1980. Don't be that person. This is your best chance in nearly 40 years to become a fan of a Miracle On Ice team so don't squander it.

Team North America is loaded with Canadians. Just pretend this is a world junior tournament that includes some American kids that defected to escape the oppressively bad Team USA system that employs a dictator at head coach.

OK, U.S. basketball fans, you can rejoin us now. That gold medal in Rio was really impressive! Good for you!

2. The Kids Actually Care: While veterans Duncan Keith, Jeff Carter, Niklas Kronwall and Henrik Zetterberg pulled out so suddenly and so late you'd think they were trying to avoid getting the tournament pregnant, the TNA kids are excited to be in there for the long haul.

Yeah, Sean Monahan withdrew because of a back strain, but that's believable because he's been carrying the Flames for two seasons and that's a really good pulling out joke that I couldn't pass up.

If you're like me, you are very, very apathetic toward this tournament, either because you're American and know there's a good chance a team with Jack Johnson isn't getting out of the round-robin portion or because, ugh, it's September and football is just starting and baseball is in the stretch run and it's just not time to care about hockey yet.

But these kids want it! They are true underdogs and want to win.

Good Canadian kid Morgan Rielly said to Sportsnet: "We're a young group with lots of talent that's highly motivated. I think we're going to go in there and we're going to try to shock some people."

Good American kid Johnny Gaudreau said:

When asked if North America was concerned with physicality from US-Canada, — Michael Traikos (@Michael_Traikos)September 10, 2016

How can you not get behind this? Some of these guys are good enough to be on the national teams—well, at least in the case of the Americans—and they want to stick it to the old men. Get on board, people.

3. They Will Be The Most Fun: When you think Babcock or Tortorella, do you think fun hockey? Sweden coach Par Marts benched Oliver Ekman-Larsson during the Sochi Olympics. Finland doesn't have Teemu Selanne. The Czechs don't have Jaromir Jagr. You're wasting your time with those squads.

Jon Cooper coaching the fastest team in the tournament? What don't you like about that?

TNA's Jonathan Drouin (2015) and Dylan Larkin (2016) are the past two winners of the fastest skater competition at the All-Star Game. The second-fastest skater last year was Brandon Saad, another TNA member.

At any point in your life, did you ever watch a hockey game and think, "I wish the game was slower and there were more lumbering doofuses on the ice!" Yes, these other elite teams are lumbering doofuses compared to what TNA has to offer. TNA is a team of Ferraris competing against Dodge Caravans, Lexuses and Volkswagens.

Yeah, those other cars are safer, more reliable options, but which would you rather watch fly around the track?

4. Unsigned Heroes: Johnny Gaudreau and Jacob Trouba, as it stands today, lack a source of income. They are restricted free agents for the Flames and Jets, respectively, who have massive contracts headed their way before the season. They are leaving themselves open to the possibility of a catastrophic injury that would impact their earning ability, all for the chance to shove a gold medal down the world's throat.

Side note: They are also both Americans playing for Canadian franchises, which should unite the continent in appreciation.

While older players who have made their fair share of big bucks are begging out of the tournament, two young players coming off entry-level contracts are taking the ice without NHL contracts.

That deserves our respect and fandom.

5. Look At It Logically: Fans of NHL teams want one thing more than anything else out of this tournament—zero injuries to players on their favorite team. It's not to say members of TNA aren't important pieces of their NHL teams, but when compared to Canada, America, Finland and Sweden, they don't have as many players as important to Stanley Cup hopes.

Think about it for a minute. How many players on TNA can suffer season-ending injuries in the World Cup and end their team's Stanley Cup hopes?

Pretty much everyone is on a team with no hope of winning the Cup with the exception of Aaron Ekblad if you're bullish on the Florida Panthers. The St. Louis Blues can survive without Colton Parayko. The Lightning got to within a goal of the Final without Steven Stamkos so they'll be fine without Drouin.

Now look over the rosters of the Big Four (and Team Europe for that matter). There's a season-murdering injury waiting to happen, and the longer those teams play, the better odds it hits a guy on your team.

The 10 teams with the best odds of winning the Cup have 78 players in the World Cup and only four are part of TNA (the previous three plus Matt Murray of the Penguins). So when those national powers lose, the NHL fan wins. When TNA wins, the NHL fan accepts the least risk to their NHL season.

TNA appeals to heart (a fun underdog) and head (the logical choice when it comes to injury risk).

Plus, they have the coolest logo. What more could you want in a meaningless tournament?

For more World Cup of Hockey stories, check out our full coverage here.