Cubs Fans: Try Not to Turn Into Red Sox Fans, Alright?

Congratulations, Cubs fans. You finally did it. Well, you actually did nothing, but you know what I mean. Your team won after something like 87 millenia or whatever. That is a big deal and you should enjoy every second of it. Until you start acting like Boston Red Sox fans, then everyone will hate your guts.

You built up a lot of good will, what with your not winning since before we had cars—is that true? I don't know! It was so long ago—and close calls, and utter haplessness. You guys even ruined the life of a poor guy whose only crime was that Moises Alou threw a shitfit near him and everyone still felt bad for you guys because, Jesus, it was a long time. But I swear to God, if you guys ever make a piece of shit movie like this, it's all over.

You can absolutely go fuck yourselves, Cubbies fans, if Jimmy Fallon or fucking Adam Scott or whatever shows up on my TV in a Chicago Cubs hat acting like an asshole at Wrigley during some Phillip Phillips-backed trailer for Love is the GOAT. Don't do it. Listen to Bill Murray and remember what great losers you were and just enjoy a life fulfilled.

It's understandable, though, that long-suffering fanbases would lose their way, or go off the rails once the suffering finally ends. You literally can't act like you've been there before because you have never been there before. But you must try, or you will suffer the same fate as the loveable losers who came before you. And you know this in your heart of hearts: in terms of teams/fanbases you hate, it's Cardinals at the top, and then Red Sox. Maybe the Yankees because everyone hates the Yankees. But here's the difference between the Yankee hate and the Red Sox hate: everyone hates Yankees fans because the team was so good for so long it got old and annoying. Everyone hates Red Sox fans now because they were historically futile and then turned insufferable after they won. Look at Jimmy Fallon in that movie. Fuck!

Forget even the Red Sox, for a second, since at least it took a few years for them to get this annoying. Look at the Golden State Warriors. They are already well on their way to widespread hatred and it was, like, two years ago that they were the darlings of sports. But we're in a whole new world and the shelf life for everything gets shorter by the day—stuff that is fun inevitably becomes terrible. You've got a few things working in your favor that the Warriors did not, though: the aforementioned good will from being so bad for so long it bordered on psychological warfare, and also you are not owned by a Silicon Valley, trophy-humping weirdo who thinks he invented having good players and shooting three pointers. (It is disconcerting how much Tom Ricketts looks like Ted Cruz, though.)

But, and I'm just saying this for your own benefit, be careful with Theo. He is a genius and legend and blah blah blah—I get it. Two long suffering franchises, two curses, the whole bit. Fine. His resume and impact on baseball history is indisputable. Also, he's kind of a douchey frat bro. I'm just saying! Something to keep an eye on, is all.

The parallels between Boston and Chicago, helpfully personified by the GM, are all there, and the narrative will develop all on its own. So it's up to you fans to make sure you don't throw those 108 years away. Make sure all that losing meant something. Make sure you don't turn into a fanbase that thinks this is OK: