​Birds Tussle, the East London Derby, and Spurs On Verge of Pulling a Spurs—The Premier League Preview

Another weekend, another round of Premier League fixtures. The incessant monotony of football fandom goes on. History repeats itself, time ebbs and flows, our memories of previous Premier League seasons dissolve like spoonfuls of sugar on the grey, indeterminate porridge of existence.

Thankfully, we're partial to a bit of grey, indeterminate porridge. Here are five reasons to watch the top-flight this weekend, even if it is turning your brain to watery gruel.

In a fight between an eagle and a canary, we'd almost certainly back the eagle. Nobody is going to organise such a fight, obviously. It would be cruel, exploitative and a logistical nightmare, plus organising pay-per-view television coverage would be almost impossible. Nonetheless, in an imaginary scenario, the eagle would get our backing.

As such, you might think our money was on Crystal Palace ("the Eagles") to beat Norwich ("the Canaries") this weekend. But it's not.

Palace are incapable of winning league games at the moment; in fact, they haven't claimed victory in the Premier League since 19 December. It's a different story at 17th-placed Norwich: they've won two on the spin and, after last weekend's triumph over Newcastle, can draw level on points with their opponents if they win at Selhurst Park. If Palace are a metaphorical eagle, that eagle is old, decrepit and crippled by a profound melancholy of the soul. It also lacks a beak, talons and wings after a terrible pylon accident.

Meanwhile, Norwich's metaphorical canary is brave, plucky and ready to ruffle some plumage. Let battle commence.

Crystal Palace might be in genuine relegation trouble at this point, were it not for the true awfulness of the teams in the bottom three. One of those teams is, of course, Sunderland.

Having recorded four consecutive draws in their uninspiring attempt to avoid the drop, the Black Cats could finally see things go fully catastrophic this weekend with the visit of Leicester to the Stadium of Light. The league leaders come with pace, vision, counter attacking verve and lethal finishing – all traits that Sunderland conspicuously lack.

So, despite the defensive preparations of Big Sam, expect to see Leicester's front three tearing past John O'Shea and Younes Kaboul this Sunday. Cloaked in a black mantle, riding a pale horse and scything through Sunderland's back four with relish, Jamie Vardy will be the very vision of the Reaper himself.

Of the Premier League's many London derbies, clashes between West Ham and Arsenal are usually the least fraught. In any normal season, an April meeting between the two clubs would be an entirely routine affair.

Yet this is no normal season. While the Gunners are desperately trying to make up an 11-point gap to Leicester, only three points separate West Ham from a top-four berth.

Naturally, the high stakes mean that Saturday's early kick-off is going to be extremely stressful for everyone involved. It's bound to be ill-tempered on and off the pitch, feverish from start to finish, and horribly bitter in the aftermath.

We can't be dealing with this shit, not after all the other excitement over the last few months. Bring on a goalless draw, that's what we say.

Though they're second in the table, a surmountable seven points behind Leicester and quite capable of going on to win the league, Tottenham's momentum has faltered somewhat in the last month. Convincing wins against Aston Villa and Bournemouth have been tempered by wasteful draws against Arsenal and Liverpool, as well as a loss to West Ham.

They host Manchester United at White Hart Lane this Sunday afternoon in pressing need of three points. With trips to Stoke and Chelsea coming up, their fixtures aren't going to get any easier.

In fact, if they slip up against United, there'll be a strong chance of them once again "doing a Spurs".

Imagine, for a moment, that Spurs fail to beat United. Imagine that they fail to overcome Stoke, then Chelsea. Not only will their title challenge be over, they'll be in serious danger of falling behind Arsenal. Then, as they've made a habit of doing in recent years, imagine that their North London rivals finish a point ahead of them on the final day of the season. Imagine the "St Totteringham's Day" banter, the innumerable memes, the ruinous state of the internet. Oh Christ, imagine.

Along with the majority of neutrals, we want to see Roberto Martinez succeed. He's a tactical romantic, he sticks to his principles, he's impeccably polite and he loves to cut vicious shapes to the perfectly crafted pop music of Jason Derulo. What's not to like?

Well, apart from Everton's increasingly rubbish performances.

We take no pleasure in saying this, but the Toffees have been terrible recently. Despite having one of their strongest squads in years, defensive ineptitude has left them 12th in the table with four defeats in their last five league games. If they lose to Watford this weekend, Martinez could be in serious danger of becoming the next manager to end up with a permanent #Out hashtag attached to his name. If he is ousted by a Twitter putsch, romance in football will officially be dead.

Needless to say, that will make us sad.

@W_F_Magee