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Down Goes Brown's Grab Bag: All the Times Wayne Gretzky Got Hit

Plus more about ads on hockey jerseys (the World Cup ones aren't all that bad), and why hockey should get additional Olympic events, like a 3-on-3 tournament.
Photo via the Canadian Press

(Editor's note: Welcome to Sean McIndoe's Friday grab bag, where he writes on a variety of NHL topics. You can follow him on Twitter.)

Trivial annoyance of the week

Last week, Michael Phelps won his 23rd gold medal, an all-time record that proves that a) Phelps is an amazing athlete, and b) there are way too many Olympic swimming events. That second one is an old sticking point for hockey fans (among others), who are used to seeing other sports dominate the medals tables with countless variations while they're stuck with just one each for men's and women's.

To be fair, the same could be said for other popular team sports, like basketball and soccer. But not all of them. Volleyball managed to sneak a beach variation into the mix decades ago, which everyone has come to love. And while traditional rugby isn't an Olympic event yet, the seven-a-side version made the cut in Rio and has been great fun.

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And that's where this week's annoyance comes in, because it's time for hockey to get some additional events.

READ MORE: How Every Team Can Follow the P.K. Subban Model for Publicity

That's become the premise of a joke that shows up every four years around this time, and most hockey fans have made some version of it—hey, Toews and Bergeron would kill it in the synchronized version, am I right? But let's put the joking aside and get serious: Imagine the Winter Olympics included an extra 3-on-3 event, one with shorter games and more wide-open play, in addition to the traditional 5-on-5 version?

We'd keep the rosters small, with maybe 12 players. That would allow some of the Olympic "snubs" to still get an invite, especially the Phil Kessel/P.K. Subban types who sometimes get passed over by the old school gritty-heart-character brigade. And for some added excitement, we'd let up to three players per country cross over to play in both events. So if Hockey Canada wants to, it can get Sidney Crosby or Drew Doughty or whoever to double up and try to win two gold medals in the same Olympics.

Great idea. Photo by John Hefti-USA TODAY Sports

You hear some variation of this idea floated every now and then, and it's sounds like all sorts of fun. Of course, that only lasts for a few seconds, because you immediately start realizing all the various ways the NHL would ruin it. Teams would whine about players taking part in both events. Coaches would insist on playing a defensive style. Oh, and of course there's the small matter of the NHL probably not going to the Olympics anymore. Mainly because it found out you liked it.

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Still, it's entertaining to think about. Maybe in some alternate universe where the NHL doesn't hate fun, it's already happening.

Outrage of the week

The issue: After yet another year of low-scoring hockey, the NHL came up with a surefire solution: drastically shrinking goalie equipment for next season.

The outrage: According to reports, the change might not happen after all because the new equipment—or at least the important stuff—won't be ready in time.

Is it justified: No. There's no point. We were all fools for expecting anything different.

Look, I'm not sure anyone has spent more time than I have documenting the NHL's complete and utter failure to do anything about scoring. I've complained about it. I've joked about it. I've complained about it again. I've even written the definitive two-decade history of it. I have no right to be surprised by any of this. And neither do you.

So I'll spare you yet another long diatribe about scoring rates. Some fans think today's game is just fine. Plenty don't. The league pays lips service to the latter group, but never does anything about it. So it has always been, and so it will always be.

Maybe this week's rumors of the league finding a way to screw this up yet again will turn out to be unfounded, and we really will get that shiny new streamlined equipment in time for next year. We can hope. But at this point, that's all we should do. Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me every year, for two decades and counting, well, you can figure out the rest.

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Obscure former player of the week

The big story of the week was Jimmy Vesey. The college star had been drafted by the Predators in 2012, but never signed, and despite having his rights traded to the Sabres, he hit unrestricted free agency on Tuesday. He spent the week being courted by various teams, and a decision on where he'll sign could come any moment now.

Vesey's sage has spawned plenty of hot takes. Most seem to feel that he's simply taking advantage of a rule that was negotiated into the CBA in good faith. But others don't agree, arguing that he should have simply signed with the team that owned his rights and followed the same path to free agency as everyone else.

READ MORE: Jimmy Vesey's Bold Decision to Spurn Predators Is Admirable

So with all that in mind, for today's obscure player let's look back at the guy we can blame for all of this: Mike Van Ryn.

Van Ryn was a first-round pick by the Devils in 1998, which is where the problems start. He didn't sign with New Jersey, and after a year in college and one more in the OHL, he tried to declare himself a free agent based on the rules for junior players. The Devils disagreed, and the case went to an arbitrator, who shocked the league by ruling in Van Ryn's favor and making the 20-year-old prospect a free agent.

The league was furious, and quickly fired the arbitrator who'd made the ruling. Later, they closed the loophole, giving teams rights to drafted college players for the full four years. But after those four years are up, there's no ambiguity. Players like Vessey (and Kevin Hayes and Blake Wheeler) who wait the full four years become UFAs, albeit ones still governed by the rookie salary cap. Be mad at Vesey if you must, but understand that this is what the league wanted.

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As for Van Ryn, he never lived up to expectations, as you may have figured based on this being the Obscure Player section. His NHL career was stalled by injuries, and he played his last game in 2009 after just 353 games spent with the Blues, Panthers and Maple Leafs. He later went into coaching, recently joining the Arizona Coyotes' staff.

Van Ryn never did become the future all-star that he seemed like when he was rewriting the rulebook in 2000. But plenty of fans remember his name this week—even if it's just to curse it.

Be It Resolved

This week, the NHL finally showed us what the World Cup jerseys with ads on them will look like. And it turns out that they're… eh, they're not bad.

— NHL Public Relations (@PR_NHL)August 17, 2016

Those SAP shoulder patches turn out to be reasonably small; it's certainly nothing like those ridiculous European hockey worst-case scenarios that so many fans seem to be fearing would make their way to the NHL.

We've been over the jersey ad debate in this space before. Personally, I'm OK with small ads—they're an easy revenue boost for the league, and I doubt most fans would notice them after a while. But I realize that not everyone feels that way, with some fans viewing the jerseys as a sacred space that's somehow different from the ice, the boards, and all the other spots that we've already plastered with marketing.

And that's why this World Cup experiment is interesting. Gary Bettman and the NHL can play it coy, but nobody believes them. This is very obviously a trial balloon to see what the reaction to jersey ads will be like. The NHL wants to see whether or not fans will flip out. If the outcry isn't too overwhelming, then NHL fans are absolutely going to get ads on team jerseys eventually, and probably soon. But if the outcry is overwhelming… well, you're probably still getting ads on jerseys, but the league will at least have to think about it.

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Connor McDavid sporting a team North Americajersey. Photo by Nick Turchiaro-USA TODAY Sports

So that's where you come in. If you're one of those fans who hates the idea, you're being given your chance to make your last stand now. The league is listening, or at least vaguely pretending to. If you don't want to see ads on your favorite NHL team's jersey, you need to make some noise about it now. There very likely won't be another chance.

So be it resolved: If this is the sort of thing that's important to you, then speak now or forever hold your peace. The NHL is being about as transparent about this whole pilot project as it ever is. If you shrug at World Cup ads next month, you lose any right to the righteous outrage routine when they come to the NHL in a year or two.

Classic YouTube clip breakdown

One of the biggest offseason moves was Edmonton signing Milan Lucic. Oiler fans are thrilled, partly because Lucic is still a pretty good player who should do well on the top line, but also because in theory he'll also provide some protection for Connor McDavid. The young star already missed time with an injury last year after taking a hit, so part of Lucic's job will be to prevent that from happening again.

That was a long-winded attempt to provide a timely peg to this video of Wayne Gretzky getting dummied.

  • So, yeah, here's Wayne Gretzky. Or, as modern day Oiler fans may know him, the new assistant GM's brother.

  • He's joined by teammate Kevin Lowe, and the two work through some scripted witty banter. Gretzky, of course, would get a chance to really show off his comedy chops a few years later when he hosted Saturday Night Live. It did not go especially well, although he did get to sing with a young Conan O'Brien. It was his best work with an awkward redhead since his Oiler days with Dr. Randy Gregg.

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  • As for Lowe, he's, um, better at acting than he is at front office work. Let's just leave it at that.

  • "Gretz, you have a tough enough time checking your luggage." How great would it have been if Gretzky just went completely stone-faced for several seconds and then said "What the hell did you just say to me?"

  • Gretzky mentions never getting hit, which he claims is a myth. As evidence, we go to an extensive clip of him getting hit three whole times.

  • The first isn't even a hit so much as a blatant cheap shot from Ed Hospodar, who bumps Gretzky to the ice and then proceeds to Dubinsky him in the back of the neck. Needless to say, seeing the franchise player treated that way draws an instant reaction from noted Oilers tough guy… uh, Jari Kurri. Not quite convinced that's how they drew it up.

  • I'm not sure when that clip is from, although it could have been the 1985 final. Hospodar made a bit of a name for himself in that series, taking out Kevin McClelland and Mark Napier with questionable hits. Look, guys, Jari Kurri can't be out there protecting everyone.

  • Our next clip is of Mark Messier, who shoves Gretzky into the boards as he… hey, wait a second. What's happening with the chronology here? How does a package introduced by Oilers-era Gretzky include a clip of Kings-era Gretzky? I'm legitimately confused. I just wanted to watch Wayne Gretzky take a few body checks, I didn't realize I was signing up for the hockey-themed reboot of Primer.

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  • Also, that Messier hit is barely a hit. Seriously, did Gretzky take one solid hit in his entire career?

  • The answer, as we're about to see: Yes. He took exactly one hit, in 1981. And it came from an unlikely source, as Maple Leafs rookie Bill McCreary catches him with his head down at the blueline and absolutely obliterates him.

  • There are two common misconceptions about this play. First, this isn't the same Bill McCreary who went on to become an NHL referee. They were cousins, though, because everyone in the NHL comes from one of the same eight families.

  • Second, this was not McCreary's last game in the NHL. That's a popular myth that's made the rounds over the years—in some especially dramatic versions, it's even his last-ever shift. McCreary's NHL career was a short one, lasting just 12 games. But this wasn't the last of them, as you can even hear the announcers mention that he's playing the second game of his career.

  • Gretzky was eventually OK, but it was a scary moment for everyone watching. It's also weird to look back at how these situations used to be handled, as various Maple Leafs are allowed to just skate up and stand over Gretzky and stare at him while he's laid out on the ice. Sadly, we don't get to see one of those old-school stretchers that they made the players carry their own teammates on.

  • We see a replay of the hit, which is so hard it tears the space-time continuum and screws up the tracking on this old VHS tape. It's a squeaky clean hit, as even the announcers acknowledge. Of course, if that same hit happened today, one angry fan would freeze-frame the moment after impact and have a Twitter tantrum that would last for four days. Some things really were better in the '80s.

  • We see McCreary chatting with teammates. I'd like to point out that there are three Maple Leafs in this shot, and all three are wearing slightly different colored helmets. Attention to detail wasn't really a big thing during the Harold Ballard era.

  • I think that's Brett Callighen who skates by and says something to McCreary, who briefly reacts before realizing it wasn't Dave Semenko so he doesn't need to write out a hasty will.

  • And that's it for our clip. Gretzky made it through the rest of his career without ever getting hit clean like that again. Aside from Gary Suter's cheap shot in 1991 and his occasional ill-advised attempt at fighting, it's hard to think of anyone else who even got close to him. Honestly, the next worst hit involving a Gretzky was probably Ulf Samuelsson KO'ing his wife. (She was OK, by the way. Jari Kurri's wife was there to make sure it never happened again.)

Have a question, suggestion, old YouTube clip, or anything else you'd like to see included in this column? Email Sean at nhlgrabbag@gmail.com.