Seriously, We've Had Enough of the Blackhawks

Weren't we done with the Chicago Blackhawks? Weren't we all set? Wasn't last year the beginning of the end, like a television show that gave us six solid seasons we enjoyed and now it was time to move on to something new? Like, literally anything else besides this same team? Didn't we have an unspoken agreement that in exchange for giving Patrick Kane the Hart Trophy last year we could stop thinking about this team as a contender?

Look at how obliging the Los Angeles Kings have been this season. We dealt with their slow-ass, cycle-the-puck, bang-and-crash, win 2-1 bullshit since 2012. We politely nodded like Tom Hardy in Mad Max when some 50-year-old haircut on our TVs talked about Jonathan Quick as the best goaltender in the world. Honoring the social contract we signed when they stepped in shit in 2012 and won a bunch of Game 7s in 2014, they've politely died this season.

Why aren't the Blackhawks dead? Why haven't they popped a cyanide capsule and said "Hail Hydra" as the foam dribbled down their chins? Why are we still doing this? Is anyone happy about this recent turn of events that has them atop the West again?

This isn't anything personal against the Blackhawks. But this is bullshit. One of the worst things about hockey the past four years was how it was the Blackhawks and the Kings and then everyone else. The same goddamn story lines, year in and year out. Then they both lost in the first round last year and looked like side-by-side dilapidated dildo factories to start the season, signaling that our long, boring nightmare was over.

It was time to care about the Pittsburgh Penguins (I know that's not new but it sort of is, don't look for holes in this rant), the Washington Capitals, and the Tampa Bay Lightning. Then we had the Dallas Stars. And oh look, the Edmonton Oilers are good! The Oilers! Oh, and look at all these rookies! This is great! New faces! New things to think about!

Then Joel Quenneville and that admittedly glorious mustache kicked down our doors like a cop chasing Richard Kimble to let us know he was still on our asses. It sucks.

The Blackhawks have won six straight. Artem fucking Anisimov leads the NHL in scoring. Corey Crawford leads the NHL in even-strength save percentage at .976, which is enough to make me hope the Earth opens beneath us and swallows everyone into a watery, black, infinite abyss. That .976 number is proof that nothing matters and any sort of work you put toward your goals is pointless because an invisible power is deciding to make only the least likely and most unfair things happen.

There's nothing likable about this team. To be clear, they're not easy to hate, but you certainly don't want to cheer for them. You've got Kane, and fuck that guy and fuck the NHL every time the oblivious idiots at the league put his face at the front of national marketing. What else is there? When Duncan Keith isn't breaking Jeff Carter's beautiful face, he's being a dick to a woman reporter in Vancouver. Jonathan Toews is a fine human and it's not his fault, but an orphan dies every time someone says he's better than Sidney Crosby, so his existence has resulted in the death of like 500 orphans and he should shoulder some of the blame.

And before you ask, no, mentioning the Toews/Crosby thing in a hypothetical way like that does not kill an orphan. Nice try.

And what about general manager Stan Bowman, the guy everyone thinks is a genius? What has he really done besides push predecessor Dale Tallon out of a moving car as it was about to reach the finish line? People forget that Tallon got squeezed out for Scotty's son after the Blackhawks reached the conference finals in 2009 because Tallon allegedly failed to deliver qualifying offers to two players before a deadline, resulting in them becoming unrestricted free agents. Tallon was "re-assigned" but anyone who has worked in an office for a week knows what that means. Bowman took over, won three Cups with a core Tallon built, and now we have to endure yet another year of Bowman's genius?

Side note: The two players Tallon allegedly didn't QO in time were Kris freaking Versteeg and Cam freaking Barker. Imagine people thinking you did a bad job because you lost exclusive bargaining rights to Kris freaking Versteeg and Cam freaking Barker. There should be a statue of Tallon outside United Center that's 11 feet taller than the Michael Jordan one.

What the hell has Bowman done lately? Overpaid Bryan Bickell? Traded Teuvo Teravainen because he overpaid Bryan Bickell? How about how he painted himself into a corner and lost Brandon Saad? He traded Trevor Daley for Rob Scuderi. He basically got a deep dish pizza fart for Patrick Sharp and Stephen Johns. The Blackhawks probably don't even win their 2015 Cup if not for Kane's convenient broken collarbone that caused him to miss the end of the regular season but return right at the start of the playoffs, which allowed Bowman to field a team that was $6 million over the cap for the postseason. What a miraculous confluence of medical science and salary cap rules.

If you give Bowman a bunch of someone else's really good players and a mysterious injury that heals just in time for Game 1 of the first round, he's pretty great.

That's another thing—this is like the third year in a row of this stupid team having three good defensemen. It's Keith, Brent Seabrook, Niklas Hjalmarsson, and a mish mosh of old dudes and young dudes who bring almost nothing to the table. This team has no business being this good in 2016, and yet here we are.

If we're being honest, it's not even about the personnel. I'd just find reasons to hate anyone else wearing the slightly uncomfortable jerseys that result in a bunch of fans coming out of the woodwork to explain the jersey's origin story and why it makes having a giant Native American head on the front OK. Again, if we're still being honest, the logo could be a mug of beer and boneless wings—the best wings—and I've had enough.

Oh, and the national anthem at United Center. Jesus Christ. Why is quietly kneeling during "Star Spangled Banner" disrespectful but screaming like a lunatic throughout it somehow this special thing you need to experience? You know what normal people do with a song they like? They quietly listen or sing along with it. If you showed up at a Beyoncé show and screamed incoherently for three consecutive minutes throughout "Single Ladies," you'd get your ass beat and deserve it.

The Blackhawks are the tenth season of Friends. Toews and Kane on the same line are Rachel and Joey dating. Anisimov leading the team in scoring is Paul Rudd showing up at the last second to marry Phoebe. Crawford is Ross, the guy who has no business being as good and liked as he is. Nobody is Joey because Joey is great. Joey would be Connor McDavid.

Having just re-read this, it sure comes across as angry. It's not. It's really not. I'm just exhausted. I have Blackhawk burnout. They're the superhero movies of movie franchises. You are out of ways to make me enjoy Thor. And, to show some consistency here, this is the Ant-Man season. We don't need it. My apologies to Paul Rudd. I think you're great.

Am I rooting for a ten-game losing streak for the Blackhawks? Not at all. I'm not even rooting for them to miss the playoffs. I just want to get to March and have the hockey world in complete agreement that the championship window is closed. I want to think about Dallas and Edmonton for the next five years. I want to think about P.K. Subban and Nashville contending until the next work stoppage in 2019.

And if you're wondering how someone who picked the Blackhawks to reach the conference finals can write this, that's fair. It's like an inevitability I'm railing again. Think of it like this: I predict that I will die someday but it doesn't mean I want it to happen. And yes, I just compared the Blackhawks being good again to death. I'm going to end this now.

Want to read more stories like this from VICE Sports? Subscribe to our daily newsletter.