Under the Bucket: Deaner Proposes Shotgunning Beer Rule to Increase Scoring
Forget about changing the dimensions of nets or goalie equipment to raise scoring levels. Deaner has an idea that involves your goalie shotgunning beer.
Photo by Daily VICE
Top of the mornin' to yah! That's what my Uncle Rando used to say when he'd be passed out on our couch and I'd start jabbin' him with an iron poker cuz I wanted to watch cartoons. He always stank of a slaughterhouse, drank all our beer and one time pissed on the dog. But as much as my mom hated her brother-in-law, she was always patient with him cuz he was family. And that's exactly how teams gotta be with their players and prospects.
Now I know everybody in Colorado is saying, "Oh yah, Matt Duchene, he was never gonna be traded," but is it a coincidence that they're saying that only now that he's playing well and the Avalanche are winning again? The point is, things are so politically correct these days. A player gets caught smoking weed at a concert IN THE SUMMER and the coach dumps the guy. You're 19 years old and you get $2.5 million bucks dumped in your lap and you're just supposed to act like it's no big deal?
Fuck, if I signed a big contract at that age I woulda bought a Pilsner factory and moved my bed under the main tasting tap. But then I'd sober up and win the fucking Stanley Cup basically all on my own because I learned my lesson. Think about a guy like Tyler Seguin—he's one in a million and the Bruins were like, "Oh, he's got the wrong attitude," just cuz he liked to giv'r and hated sleep.
It's not like we're all born a librarian or a barbarian, and a guy can't ever change. You gotta burn some wood to make a fire. I don't really know what that means, but when I was a baby I couldn't build a fire for shit and now I'm pretty good, and I bet Seguin is the same way.
I suppose you're all wondering what happened to my Uncle Rando, right? Well, Rando did some time for theft under $1,000, but then he learned how to jog at the Kingston Penitentiary and now he's a gym teacher. Classic success story.
She's pretty much common knowledge that the only reason we have the shootout is cuz Gary Bettman was trying to grease up the fans after the big 2004-05 lockout. I'll admit, I was kind of into it at first cuz it was kind of exciting at the time. But it's been ten years now, and the shootout has turned into the hockey version of the bearded lady—cool at first, but we've all seen enough of her, and she's starting to be gross.
In this case, the players (the beard) are the same size, but the goalies (the lady) are getting bigger and bigger. So now what started as a freak show is outta control, cuz we got this huge-assed lady with a tiny little beard and nobody can fuckin' score anymore and now the ringmaster is like, "OK, let's make the ring bigger." FUCK OFF, don't touch the ring, you IDIOTS!! (The ring is the net.)
Look, I'll give you the simplest, pain-free way to increase scoring in the NHL. No need to file down the fuckin' posts into a prism, to carve down the goalie's gear or give the net the penis pump treatment. No. All you gotta do is add Pilsner.
Every time your team gets a penalty, your goalie has to shotgun a beer. This will guarantee more goals, and might even crack down on the cheap shots. Cuz if you take a stupid double minor in overtime and they score after your goalie shotguns two beers, he's gonna lay a major beat down on yah after the game. So yah, after the next lockout, when Gary's shit-eating grin is all over our fuckin' TVs, you can thank me when he says, "And I'm happy to introduce, as a way to thank the fans, The Shotgun Penalty Rule, or simply, The Deadly Deaner."