Anthem Demonstrations, Harambe, and More from NFL Week 1: Dumb Football with Mike Tunison

After an exciting but decidedly grim opener on Thursday, the NFL was able to recapture the news cycle with a downright pleasant Week 1 Sunday of consistently compelling football. We should probably discuss the grim stuff first.

Hours before Sunday's early games kicked off, the NFL and NFLPA announced that they would be investigating whether concussion protocol was properly followed for the league's reigning MVP. Watching Cam Newton spend much of the first game of the NFL season absorbing a series of illegal hits, mostly without consequence, was upsetting. More than that, though, and more worrying, is the possibility that Newton was not correctly treated by doctors during and after the game. Violence comes with the territory, but the hands-off handling of Newton on Thursday night betrayed a familiar variety and level of incompetence; it's just the sort of thing the league always vows to do better than but seldom does.

And while this surely isn't the last we'll hear of Newton's treatment, or lack thereof, Sunday allowed fans to focus on the thing that makes us put up with the NFL's shit in the first place—a slew of close games, comebacks, and dramatic finishes. It was the first time in NFL history that four Week 1 games were decided by one point, a record I'm not sure anyone was actively aware of, but sounds about right. Sunday also saved its biggest upset for the end, when the downtrodden New England Patriots were finally able to break through against the favored powerhouse Arizona Cardinals on Sunday Night Football. We'll have to be sure to remember the one week the Patriots were the underdog this season.

As fun as Sunday was, though, the day was hardly devoid of controversy. This was just the kind of controversy that doesn't potentially jeopardize the future of the sport.

Friends, this Colin Kaepernick protest is not going away! Black people just insist on having equal rights and respect and are willing to go so far as to peaceably protest to get them, even though it bothers Kate Upton. Let's look at the updated standings.

Kansas City Chiefs: The team's official stance is a squishy message about unity, though cornerback Marcus Peters held his fist up during the anthem before their game against the Chargers.

Tennessee Titans: Jurrell Casey, Wesley Woodyard, and Jason McCourty raised their fists during the anthem before the game against the Minnesota Vikings.

Miami Dolphins: Kenny Stills, Arian Foster, Michael Thomas, and Jelani Jenkins took a knee during the anthem before their game against the Seahawks, joining Denver Broncos linebacker Brandon Marshall as players who have adopted Kaepernick's protest during the regular season.

Seattle Seahawks: For days leading up to Sunday, the team had talked about their planned "gesture of unity"—locking arms and standing together during the anthem—and then they were beaten to the punch by the Chiefs. Next time you want to undercut the message of someone else's protest, you gotta keep it a secret or risk having your thunder stolen.

New England Patriots: Martellus Bennett and Devin McCourty raised their fists before the Sunday night game in Arizona. I, for one, am glad there is consistent messaging among the McCourty twins. It might be pretty ugly otherwise.

While the Dolphins released a statement suggesting mild disapproval of taking a knee during the anthem, owner Steve Ross publicly backed his players. "These guys are making a conversation about something that's very important topic in this country," he said on Sunday. "I'm 100 percent in support of them."

The NFL has proved to be tolerant of these protests. And good on them, honestly, unless you want to take the cynic's route (love that route, btw) and note that, for the league, outrage over anthem protests provides a handy distraction from other news that is more central to the NFL's troubles, such as its bumbling/unconscionable handling of domestic violence and head injuries. It may be somewhat convenient for the NFL, but if that's the worst to come out of a necessary stance, then so be it. There's always room to criticize the league where criticism is due, and it's always a good idea to celebrate progress, however grudging it is.

Salute to Charles Woodson for saying what these other black analyst have been scared to say — Max Julien (@Roscoe_Inglish)September 11, 2016

Charles Woodson dishing out righteous fire to the author of "The Star-Spangled Banner" is not something I ever expected to see on a Sunday morning NFL preview show, though in fairness the things I did expect are far more asinine.

I don't believe either of those statements to be true, but if you're not getting at least two reactionary takes in Week 1, I'm not doing my job and you ain't livin'.

— Minnesota Vikings (@Vikings)September 11, 2016

Anyone who's even a semi-regular internet jokester knows the Harambe meme is played all the way the hell out at this point, and probably should have been retired once toxic alt-right Pepes used it to harass Leslie Jones off Twitter. But don't tell that to the Vikings! They had a Harambe-inspired pregame cheer before vanquishing the Titans. Perhaps through victory they can recapture Harambe's noble spirit. Time will tell.

When your dads balls are tending !!! — Lauren Del Rio (@Nola_DelRio)September 12, 2016

Jack Del Rio showed revolutionary daring, at least by NFL coaching standards, in going for two instead of a tying extra point in the final minute of the Raiders' win in New Orleans. Depending on which stat geek you ask, this was mathematically the right thing to do anyway, yet the typical culture of cowardice by NFL head coaches—shout out Ben McAdoo for punting on fourth-and-one in enemy territory late in the game against Dallas—means Del Rio is practically William Wallace for this move. That may be frustrating in a number of ways, but it did lead to Jack's daughter tweeting about her dad's balls and a wheelbarrow, so there's that.

You know the NFL had a good day when partnering media can spend its time jabbering about how a popular fantasy football service was down, as opposed to the litany of other problems with football that crop up on a regular basis. Anyway, ESPN insists all the data from yesterday's games has been recorded accurately, even if players couldn't watch as those stats compiled in real time. As always, we expect Roger Goodell to get this right by suspending a few coders without pay.

Jerry Jones on his new helicopter: 'You can shoot out of it. You can shoot pigs out of it. You can do a lot of things in this helicopter.'

— Jon Machota (@jonmachota)September 9, 2016

I don't know about you, but I suspect that I am going to die via a billionaire's bullet as he joyrides around in his helicopter. Also, when football finally dies, I expect the last of the league's square-jawed lifers to be air-lifted out of NFL headquarters by Jerry's chopper like staff off the roof of the embassy after the fall of Saigon.

This Jets fan, shunned by God, but nice all the same.

1. Vikings defense. What's most maddening about Minnesota giving up a first-round pick to acquire Sam Bradford is that the team is plenty capable of winning against middling competition on the strength of their defense alone, as evidenced by Sunday's 25-16 win in Tennessee, which saw Minnesota's defense nearly outscore the Titans all by itself. Bradford will presumably begin starting in Week 2, and he'll need to provide game management at a level above Shaun Hill, as it will be a Sunday night contest against the rival Green Bay Packers.

2. Spencer Ware. Success has many fathers, so sorry to all the victory daddies going unnamed in the Chiefs' biggest comeback. Still, it seems fair to single out the back who compiled 199 total yards of offense, leading Kansas City in both rushing and receiving. Had KC not fallen behind big early, Ware might have gotten more carries, which would have made sense since he was averaging more than six yards per touch in the running game. For what it's worth, only one back has gone over 100 yards rushing in Week 1 so far: Houston's Lamar Miller, with 106 yards on 28 carries.

3. A.J. Green. While Andy Dalton was getting mauled by the New York Jets defense to the tune of seven sacks, Green was dealing out some punishment of his own, leading all receivers so far in catches and yards.

4. Bill Belichick. Quite a coaching feat from Grumblelord, snatching a victory on the road against a presumptive Super Bowl contender without the services of Tom Brady, Rob Gronkowski, Nate Solder, and Rob Ninkovich. Meanwhile, the rest of the AFC East starts 0-1. Perhaps it's too early to responsibly call the division for the Pats, but this isn't Dumb Football for nothing.

5. Jameis Winston. Throwing four touchdowns, each to a different receiver, is a sign of maturation, at least in terms of football skills. Given that this is Jameis Winston, we should probably limit ourselves to that.

1. Darrelle Revis. Surely there's less shame in being lit up by A.J. Green, but Revis is supposed to be among the league's best cover guys. That status may be on the wane after poor showings against Sammy Watkins in 2015 and his struggles with Green yesterday. While there may have been a lack of safety help on the 54-yard touchdown Revis allowed, that doesn't fully account for the 180 yards on 12 catches Green compiled in 13 targets.

2. Terrance Williams. Perhaps it's unfair to make the receiver the scapegoat for the Cowboys loss, though his decision not to run out of bounds on what ended up being the game's final play did cost Dallas a chance for a desperation 63-ish-yard field goal attempt. Dan Bailey has good range, so while that kick is a long shot, it's slightly less far-fetched than it might be for some kickers. Williams insisted in postgame comments that he intended to go out of bounds eventually after making the first tackler miss, although that's still a huge risk given there were three defenders there and eluding the first tackler probably would have gotten Dallas at best another five yards.

3. Kameron Canaday. Long snappers are invisible unless and until something goes catastrophically wrong. Sadly that was the case for the undrafted Portland State rookie making his NFL debut after being among the dozen candidates the Cards worked out for the job of replacing 16-year veteran Mike Leach, who retired after last season. Canaday's snap on Arizona's would-be game-winning field goal was low, and it's a credit to punter Drew Butler that he was still able to make an impromptu hold, but the process was wonked just enough for kicker Chandler Catanzaro to hook the 47-yarder wide left.

4. Kenny Stills. Going against the Seahawks secondary, a passing game is already going to be hard-pressed for big plays. Stills was gift-wrapped one of them but completely tanked what would have been a long touchdown catch early in the second quarter. Stills finished with one catch for 16 yards on the day. He also inspired a bad tweet from ESPN alum Joe Schad, which is the sort of contribution that doesn't show up in the stats.

I wonder if Kenny Stills' long TD drop was at all related to diatraction and anxiety of pregame anthem protest participation

— Joe Schad (@schadjoe)September 11, 2016

5. Greg Olson. I'm going to assume the fourth-and-one bubble screen the Jaguars ran late against the Packers was a designed call by Jacksonville's coordinator and not something Blake Bortles audibled when he saw the Packers defense selling out the blitz up the middle. Either way, it was a mystifying decision against man coverage. Allen Hurns had little chance to break that into a positive play, and so what might have been an attention-grabbing victory for the Jags is just another moral victory cleverly disguised as a loss.

It's the annual Week 1 Monday night doubleheader, in which ESPN discourages East Coasters foolish enough to stay up for the late game by subjecting them to Chris Berman in the booth.

In years past, Berman had been joined by notorious mediocrity Trent Dilfer for this game. This time, however, it's Steve Young serving as Boomer foil, ensuring a very 49ers-friendly duo on the call. Dilfer has been relegated to Sunday studio show duty, where yesterday he urged Colin Kaepernick to "be quiet" and "sit in the shadows," so it's probably just as well he isn't involved. Back in May, there were reports that Berman plans to retire at the end of this NFL season. Those reports were refuted by his agent, but there's a possibility this is the last chance to catch Berman in an NFL booth, for whatever that's worth to you. There's no denying that Berman is a NFL institution, though he's not a particularly great fit when it comes to calling games as opposed to shouting over the highlights of them. Oddly enough, it's his yearly assignment calling the Home Run Derby when Berman's shtick really shines. It's just the right type of bloated spectacle to complement his talents, whereas Monday Night Football is, somehow, the wrong type of bloated spectacle.

Pittsburgh at Washington

Dan Snyder's atrocity exhibition has, in recent years, distanced itself from its reputation for spending lavishly and impulsively on high-priced and often over-the-hill free agents. Yet when cornerback Josh Norman suddenly became available this offseason, there was Washington to give him $36.5 million guaranteed. Aside from pass defending, Norman has a gift for antagonism and verbal sparring, so all eyes are on his matchup with top receiver Antonio Brown, who assured the media he plans to keep a level head no matter what Norman does.

Both teams were in the playoffs last season, and while the Steelers are missing several skill players due to suspension and injury, they are still loaded enough on offense to make this an intriguing contest.

Oh, and as part of the ongoing effort of mitigate the prevalence of visiting Steelers fans, Washington is giving out burgundy-colored towels to the FedEx Field crowd, inspiring the Richmond Times-Dispatch to term this game a "towel tussle." Sure!

Los Angeles at San Francisco

You'd think the NFL would want to have the Rams' first game as a Los Angeles team actually be in Los Angeles, but instead Jeff Fisher's long campaign of 7-9 bullshit opens up on the road in San Francisco, where the most compelling story of the evening is how people will react to what the backup quarterback does a few minutes before the opening kickoff.

Jared Goff, the former Cal quarterback the Rams took with the first pick in this year's draft, is inactive for the opener, which has already led many a pundit to speculate about whether he's a bust, because the NFL discourse is fantastic. Case Keenum gets the start and hopefully is not forced to play through a concussion again.

The 49ers' success this season, inasmuch as they will have it, hinges on the potential resurrection of quarterback Blaine Gabbert and head coach Chip Kelly. Kelly's presence in the NFL was once synonymous with innovation; in a case of spectacularly bad timing, that innovative instinct has fallen by the wayside just as the rest of the league has gotten wise to his tactics. Blaine Gabbert is and always has been singularly Blaine Gabbert, although circumstances have seen fit to grant him another opportunity as a starting quarterback after his career flamed out in Jacksonville. That fact is yet another reminder that there are only so many competent passers in the NFL, and if you're a subpar one who plays his cards right, you can still hang around a long time—perhaps longer than you have any right to. It's inspiring.

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