Ben Johnson
Best of the Best of 2012: Pitchfork
Reading Pitchfork is like watching your Granddad try to open a CD and it’s taking forever because his old hands don’t work, and he doesn’t know the trick where you take it off the hinges, and anyway it’s a CD with stuff on it you could get online using...
Best of the Best of 2012: The Onion’s A.V. Club
I have a job to do, and it’s my job that I gave to myself for no reason, and that job is making fun of every best of the year list in every major internet publication forever. It’s a grueling, pointless job, but nobody has to do it.
The F***s to S***s Ratio
Two give-a-shits strains the threshold of tolerability. Beyond two shits is technically mental illness. That’s where you care so much about what you’re doing, you can’t even handle being a human being. This is where you kick somebody’s teeth in for...
Best of the Best of 2012: Sound Opinions
Who wouldn’t want a nice cushy gig talking about music for a living, relying on a combination of freebies, industry chatter, and a listener base comprised of similarly pompous bloviators to clue you in to whatever’s going on?
Best of the Best of 2012: NPR’s Top 50
It’s that time of year again: anus itch season. Talkadoodles and decidamathons. Music music guess what’s what. A time when publications that talk about music release their you-scratch-my-back-I-scratch-yours list of artists whose record labels bought...
Sports Epiphany: It's Just Guys Running Around
A crappy Maryland-Northwestern basketball game last week previewed what awaits the Terps in the Big Ten for 2014. But does it matter? Nah. Sports is just guys running around.
Defending Reggae to White People Who Don’t Like Reggae
To not like reggae based on the five unassailable tenets of Reggae No Thank You is to do the world a disservice. And you've done that enough, Whitey.
The Theory of Rock Entropy
Let’s say for the sake of still taking, that the Theory of Rock Entropy is something you’d be interested in hearing about. In this case, possible questions you’d have include "What the fuck is wrong with you?"
Every Critic’s Dream
Do you have a DJ night? You should have a DJ night. I would go to your DJ night just to hear all of the songs that you think are good because I bet I would think they’re good too. I would either dance to the songs or quietly and reverently listen to...
Ignorance Is Bliss
We could instead be… I don’t know, fucking? Yeah, that doesn’t take any knowledge of anything. Let’s all just fuck and pick our butts like a bunch of gross hairy beasts and stop pretending to be so smart, you guys.
Raiders Games Are Like Bad, Unsafe Indie Shows
This past Monday's game between the Chargers and Raiders was like going to a Lightning Bolt show in 2003 or trying to find a death-crust gig in East Bed-Stuy. Gnarly and awesome, and the indie-sports nexus.
Monoshock Reissue Kills Time Dead
It’s a free country, and there’s no sweeter freedom than spending a little cash to almost not like something even though it’s the kind of thing you think is great.