Andrea Bargnani 2014-2015 Highlights: the Longest Three Minutes of Your Life

Check out @AndreaBargnani's 2014-15 season highlights!WATCH http://t.co/I9qb7FFzJV pic.twitter.com/mlellJH1Qt
— NBA New York Knicks (@nyknicks) June 1, 2015

Let's get this out of the way right now: in the infinite permutations of universes and lifetimes, there should at no time or place exist a theoretical you that clicks on that link and watches Andrea Bargnani's 2014-2015 highlight reel. Some things just shouldn't happen, and this is one of those things. The list of reasons for this is long and includes things like "for the love of Christ, why?" and "Andrea Bargnani" and "New York Knicks" and "2014-2015 season." Very sadly for me, if rather conveniently for you, this list also includes, "because I watched it and I'm going to tell you what happens in excruciating detail."

The highlight video is bookended by 10 seconds or so of Andrea Bargnani just sort of walking around. There is music playing, throughout. The first actual highlight we see is JaKarr Sampson's failed attempt at shooting through Andrea Bargnani's elbow. Then Bargs blocks Roy Hibbert, and we're off to the races. A pass to Shane Larkin, a pass to Lance Thomas, and, at the 22 second mark, Andrea Bargnani hits his first basket, a three-pointer against the Celtics.

Like any good playlist, a highlight reel is all about pacing. Stephen Spielberg didn't show the shark right away in Jaws, you'll recall.

Next up, Andrea Bargnani blocks Danny Granger, who was then with the Heat. After the block, it's another pass to Lance Thomas. And then, at 31 seconds, Bargs hits his second shot, a jumper against the Pacers. Then another jumper, preceded by 17 pump fakes, also against the Pacers. A pass, and then another look at the same pass, this time with a nice black-and-white effect to match the artistry of Bargs' one-timer smush to Lou Amundson. Then we have another three mid-range jumpers before another block. The same jangly tune is playing on loop the whole time.

One minute in, and we get another flurry of mid-range jumpers against the same three teams that have accounted for most of this clip: the Celtics, Heat, and Pacers. At this point, we've spent enough time together here that I can confess that this is really bringing me down. I look at the progress line on the video and I can feel life evaporating from my pores.

But then Bargs hits a running one-handed jumper against the Spurs and things are maybe beginning to turn around. A Nowitzki-esque jumper falling away from some Celtics player I can't be bothered to look up leads me to believe we are getting to the good stuff. Then it's a baby hook against the Kings at the 1:18 mark [slaps own face three times] and another Nowitzki leaner against the Pistons. Bargs is heating up. At this point, he hasn't missed a shot yet and keeps driving to his sweet spot in the middle of the key for those golden mid-rangers. The Pacers, in particular, simply cannot stop him.

And then it happens. At the 1:47 mark Bargs gathers himself and drives to the rim for his first dunk of the clip. It is against the Indiana Pacers. Then he hits a slashing layup against Gorgui Dieng of the Timberwolves, followed by another dunk against the Heat. And a third dunk against the Lakers off a classic Bargnani pump fake. Knew all those jumpers would come in handy. A perfect segue if I do so say myself, because Andrea Bargnani just hit a three (or very long two) against the Phoenix Suns. It's all coming together for what might be the best part of the highlight reel, a one-handed dunk against the Cavaliers at the 2:08 mark that bounces off his own head and restores my lust for life.

Bargs spends the next 20 seconds or so slashing, dunking, and arcing shots in until he finally misses one. But this is a highlight reel! So he follows it up and dunks it home. We're at the grand finale now, and the fireworks are going off in all directions with gusto. A dunk against the Pistons, an I-don't-even-know-what-the-hell-it-is against the Heat, and, finally, a three-pointer that bounces high off the rim and in. The jangly tune continues as we fade out to ten seconds of Bargs just sort of walking around again.

This has been Andrea Bargnani's 2014-2015 season highlights. I'm sorry.