Where Have You Gone, Luis Suarez?

Everybody's on tenterhooks, thrilling with anxiety and passionate intensity to know how it will work out now that LeBron James has announced that he's "coming home." And everybody's weary with wondering whether or not any of the jackasses who cratered the economy will ever, ever, ever receive more than just the slightest punishment. These two stories converge (sort of) in the person of one Luis Suarez. The reigning English Player of the Year is, of course, a couple weeks into a multi-month suspension for a tooth-related infraction involving the, to be fair, delicious-looking shoulder of Italian defender Giorgio Chiellini. He can't play any international matches for another eight and a half months, a sterner punishment than any banker has yet received, and can't even do any organized ball-kicking for another four months, in much the way that Henry Blodget was banned permanently from the securities industry.

Suarez, though, like James and Blodget and the other Masters of the Universe has managed to get what he wanted: a transfer to Barcelona, where he'll be joining recent acquisition Neymar, assuming his…broken back…heals. (Sports: such escapism! Such fun!) Anyway, Messi, Neymar, and Suarez together does sound like a toothsome morsel, and watching them shoulder the burden for Barcelona as they attempt to snatch victory from the jaws of their opponents should be tasty. Luis Suarez bit a guy. Recently. A different guy, a while back. His former Liverpool team are getting £75 million ($128 million) for having employed him. Henry Blodget cranks out stupid bullshit for assholes and makes a comfortable living doing so. You probably don't break too many rules (other than jaywalking, sodomy, and persistent violations of your company's IT policies). Maybe you should.

While we're waiting for the revolution, however, there is the prospect of watching a hell of a lot of Barcelona football next year, and as long as it's stirring us to knowledge and emulation of the limits of human creative possibility—as watching Neymar, Messi, and Suarez is wont to do—and not making us knuckle under to great men we assume transcend us, it should be a hell of a time.

Chris Collision writes for VICE Sports on Fridays and other places other days of the week. Follow him @cfcollision.