Over the past week or so, a staggering amount of stuff has happened in the world of music. Young Thug, Big Boi, Lorde, and 2 Chainz all dropped albums, each of which felt "important" in that lots of people who are not me decided to write about them. JAY-Z announced that he was changing the formatting of his name from "Jay Z," after having previously changed it to "Jay Z" from "Jay-Z." He also announced that he has a new album coming out next week, and an unrelated musician named Beyoncé birthed a pair of twins. An Asian-American band named The Slants won a Supreme Court case that they could keep their name—previously deemed too offensive to trademark—and simultaneously garnered enough notoriety that they probably all quit their day jobs. Spotify revealed that it would allow sponsored song placement in playlists. Desiigner's producer claimed Future sued Desiigner for sounding too much like Future, which turned out not to be true but who cares it's the internet and facts don't exist, and also they made a Ken doll with a man bun I think?
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As I sat down earlier this week to write this column, the Takes—that is the time-honored writing format of "hastily slapped-together opinion containing a few hundred words about a timely thing coupled with a headline so polarizing that people end up sharing it before they actually read it"— were coming to me at a fast and furious pace. I couldn't settle on just one. So instead, I decided to use the magic of Mad Llibs to let you, the reader, write your own.After all, it is every writer's goal to pen the hottest take of them all, one that asserts bald-faced hypotheticals as if they were objective truths and disdains nuance in favor of cold, hard clicks. By virtue of today's market-based truth metrics, if enough people click on a writer's Hot Take, it becomes codified into Objective Fact. This, my friends, is true power, and I have bestowed it upon you, with these winning formulas. Make sure you slap on a pair of fire-resistant gloves before taking part in all the fun, because these bad boys are gonna come out hot, baby![ARTIST] is a [POSITIVE ADJECTIVE] musician who centers their work around [PICK ONE: DEFYING/SUBVERTING/SUBTLY PLAYING WITH/CONFORMING TO] the listener's expectations, as well as those of [SYNONYM FOR LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE] itself. On [EARLIER SONG/PROJECT], they [RANDOM DETAIL THAT SUPPORTS ASSERTION OF PREVIOUS SENTENCE]. But on [NEW RELEASE], they [LITERALLY ANY VERB] this tendency. By engaging in active conversation with their fans via social media, [ARTIST] breaks the fourth wall put up by [ELEMENT OF THEIR MUSIC], adding another dimension to an already trenchant and vital artistic message. As a result, they have produced the [BEST/WORST] album of their career
The "Musician as Post-Modern Celebrity" Take
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The Secondhand "Woke" Take
The "Blindly Supportive" Take
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The "Takedown" Take
The "Way Too Personal" Take
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The "Poptimist" Take
The "Contrarian" Take
The "This Album Is Secretly About Donald Trump" Take
Future Days is a weekly column by Drew Millard. If you agree or disagree with what he writes, feel free to text him at 828-675-8574.Drew Millard used to work at Noisey, but now he doesn't, so now he has this column. He lives in North Carolina with his dog. Follow him on Twitter.