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Here it is again, from a more exciting angle, although sadly remixed with Gwen Stefani for reasons unknown. Shame about the internet sometimes, isn't it?Got about a hundred thoughts going on, here. A million thoughts. I got a billion thoughts going on. If you tried to have a thought this morning and you couldn't: that is because I was having them all, over Wayne Rooney slapping a 6'7" man in front of his own six-year-old son while attending WWE Raw in Manchester with Ryan Giggs and Darren Fletcher. I mean, where to dig into this party-sized tiramisu of a moment? Where to put the spoon for the first delicious bite?— This is the best thing Wayne Rooney has done probably since the Ronaldo years, and yes I am discounting that overhead kick he did against City because it came off his shin. If it came off his boot then we'd talk, but it didn't. He shinned it. Immediately stop thinking that goal is good.
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— Spiral backwards through the logistics: you have to assume that Wayne Rooney and Wade Barrett met backstage an hour or so before the show to practice the slap. This is why, for example, Wade Barrett did not perform common assault on Wayne Rooney when he slapped him. And that amuses me. "What we're going to do, Wayne," Wade Barrett is saying, in that intense half-Atlantic British wrestlers develop when they go abroad for even one second, "is I'm going to goad you in front of 21,000 people in the Manchester Arena, and then you're going to do a sort of 'come on then, cunt' car park fight starting gesture at me – repeatedly, you will do this gesture, completely out of time with everything I am saying – and then I'll come down and you can slap me and I'll pretend it actually hurt." And Wayne Rooney nods and, in that child-who-can't-quite-be-trusted-with-scissors voice of his, goes: "O–kay."On NOISEY: Busted Have Reformed with a Man Who Looks a Lot Like Charlie from Busted
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And so we come to an obvious conclusion: Wayne Rooney must fulfil his destiny and become a professional wrestler. Wayne Rooney was born an athlete but didn't know it was wrestling he was meant to pursue, and so accidentally became an exceptionally high paid footballer instead. But Wayne Rooney wasn't meant to score goals for Manchester United and England. Wayne Rooney was meant to be one of those wrestlers – not the main ones, but the ones who hold the main ones' belts while they walk really slowly into the ring – one of those wrestlers who wears a lucha libre mask to hide their hair loss and a split vest that says "BOOM SHAKE SHAKE SHAKE THE ROOM" on it, a wrestler whose finishing move is something unglamorous like "doing a big punch", a wrestler whose main job is to pass steel chairs to other more supple wrestlers to hit each other with; a wrestler they never make a doll out of.On MUNCHIES: Why You Should Worry If You Can't Smell Peanut Butter
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