There are two ways the average person usually learns about dom and sub relationships: by stumbling across an article or video clip of a professional dominatrix—usually looking like the hottest goth you’ve ever seen—or by reading about it in some saucy erotic fiction. Your reaction to said discovery is a good indicator to how open you are to the kinkier sides of sexual pleasure.
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For example, if you saw a super fit lady in black latex being cruel to a laptop screen on a TikTok snippet of a documentary and felt your downstairs quivering, you may be a submissive who’s turned on by her authoritarian tone. If you’re reading some horny fan fiction and the part where one of them slaps the other round the face and calls them a little bitch suddenly gets you going, then you might be a big ol’ dom. So, in this definitive guide, we’re going to breakdown what a dominant is, what a submissive is and how that specific relationship works. If you’re still confused about which, if any, you might prefer at the end of all this, then perhaps it’s time to close your laptop and give it a go in the real world. Well, maybe after another reread and a browse on your porn site of choiceA dom and sub relationship is one that engages in a ‘pretend’ power dynamic of one partner being in charge (dominant) and the other being subservient to them (submissive). This dynamic is usually limited to a pair’s sexual practice but in other cases can extend to other parts of the relationship (this is called a ‘lifestyle’ dom/sub, but we can get into that later). Typically, the dom/sub relationship is restricted to consensual BDSM play, where playing with traditional power rules leads to sexual gratification and big fat orgasms. That is, if your dom lets you cum, of course; orgasm denial is a big part of the relationship for some couples—and don’t get me started on the joys of edging. Dom and sub relationships are inextricably linked to kink and fetish scenes and are probably the most common relationship you will find in those scenes.
What's a dom and sub relationship?
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But both domming and subbing come in a million different forms, and downplaying it to the cultural perception of doms being the person who smacks someone about and the sub being the one who gets smacked about is disingenuous. At the core of it all isn’t necessarily sadomasochistic acts, but control. As a long time submissive in the bedroom—but absolutely obnoxiously loud gobshite in real life—relinquishing responsibility to another person is the most gratifying aspect of being with a dom. The satisfaction from being spanked is just a bonus compared to the mental relief of handing over the reins to somebody else for a bit. That said, being spat on, choked, slapped, stepped on—and more extreme acts like sounding, chastity, and cock and ball torture—are all key parts of being a sub and can’t exactly be brushed over. The vital part is that no matter what level of torture (or torturing) gets you off, everyone involved has completely consented to what is going on.
What is the role of the dom?
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What does a sub do?
How do you meet a dom or a sub?
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But if what you’re after is a bit more specific than you’re willing to admit on a public platform or to a stranger you’ve never met, then there are endless online communities you can join to seek out partner(s) near you. You don’t need to worry about signing up for a Fetlife account (basically, the kink version of Facebook), because many sites you already use have thriving spaces carved out for different kinks. Twitter is notorious for sex fiends to share what they’re into anonymously—like breeding kinks, for example—and although Tumblr is still iffy about porn, there’s plenty of workarounds to finding dom/sub communities on there. And if the internet isn’t your bag at all, there are plenty of sex parties out there to attend and get to know people in real life. Find one local to you and head on down either solo or with a mate to try and get a kinky meet cute. Most of all though, if you’re messaging anyone in your particular sex faction or outside of it, don’t be a fucking weirdo about it. Jumping in with “I’d love to spit on your tits!” isn’t going to make anyone horny or happy to continue a conversation. Approach someone you fancy in the community in the normal way you should approach someone you fancy out of it; with respect and interest in who they are as a person. Unless they’ve detailed explicitly that they’re into that kind of disrespectful DM; in which case, go for it.
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