Alabama Senator Introduces Resolution Urging Auburn to Recognize More National Championships

Alabama state senator Tom Whatley (R-Auburn, natch), has introduced a resolution recognizing Auburn for having won nine national titles in college football, instead of the actual two the school currently recognizes. I'm not going to criticize the Senator for drafting a resolution about some football games from a century ago "when there are real problems in the world," because that is cheap criticism. But also because…where would I start for examples? What isn't more important than this thing? I cannot think of a single benefit to be gained by the passage and execution of this resolution. It is entirely worthless, to say nothing of wasteful.

I know what you're thinking, but we can't raze the Alabama senate to the ground for wasting precious oxygen used to discuss this resolution, or for wasting every single person's time who had to read and digest this resolution, or for wasting whatever resources, be they pecuniary or environmental, used in drafting, researching, and disseminating this resolution. All we can do is point out the obvious: politicians are parasites.

If you would like to read the whole resolution, and pour one out for representative democracy, you can do so below. But I just want to highlight some passages. Because Senator Whatley went to all the effort of drafting it, so we might as well do this thing right. It begins thusly:

You know what? No. Fuck everyone involved with this. I spend my days at work making GIFs of athletes getting hit in the nuts, and debating whether Peter King tweeting about Robin Williams like a psychopath is the greatest thing ever, and I am 100 percent sure I am using my time better than these elected officials. There is not a doubt in my mind.

This is the first actual clause of the resolution:

I want to die. I want to break into a funeral home, crawl into an empty coffin, and just hope they don't check it before sending me to the cemetery. A rich and storied history on the gridiron. Please get all the way the fuck out of here with this garbage, Senator.

Thank you for this pointless history lesson you deleterious stuffed shirt.

"The 1983 team that only lost one early season game." What the fuck, guys? Who wrote this? If you want me, or anyone else to take this seriously, give me the goddamned facts. Who did they lose to? By how much? Don't make me look this up, it's you're resolution. Why do I care if your stupid, second rate school recognizes two, or nine, or sixty-nine National Championships? Do we all get new hats? Do you guys have a bunch of NINE-TIME WORLD CHAMPION SHIRTS you've been too embarrassed to wear?

So, state Senator Tom Whatley wants the Alabama legislature to suggest that Auburn come out and say "Remember how, officially, our Tigers are two-time National Champs? Now we have nine. Pretty sweet, huh?"

If the Alabama legislature takes resolutions in by write-in, we here at VICE Sports would like to urge the Legislature of Alabama to pass a resolution calling upon both Houses to apologize to the people of Alabama for failing each and every one of them.

SJR12-int