Which Teams Should Go QB in Round 1 of the Draft? The NFL Underground Mailbag

Welcome to the NFL Underground Mailbag. Ask Chris Harris your question about the NFL, general sports or cultural minutiae at HeyHarris@HarrisFootball.com. And if you're interested in fantasy football, check out the Harris Football Podcast at www.HarrisFootball.com.

Matthew O.: Which teams do you think should go QB in Round 1 of next week's NFL draft?

It's such a double-edged sword. The Class of 2017 doesn't feature an obvious superstar QB. The likes of Deshaun Watson, Mitch Trubisky, DeShone Kizer, and Patrick Mahomes have talent, but each figures to be a project. And in years where that's been true—where there hasn't been an Andrew Luck or a Matthew Stafford or a Carson Palmer—reaching for a QB early hasn't often worked. Do you really want your sucky, QB-needy team committing three years to developing Christian Ponder? Do you really want to look at Jake Locker's picture and lie to yourself summer after summer? It's the Rule of Quarterbacks and Rest Stops: the minute you discover you really need one, there's nothing but feces-caked options available.

And so I'd like to answer Matthew's question by saying: none of the obviously QB-needy teams—the Browns, the 49ers, the Bears, the Jets, and the Texans—should take a first-round quarterback. Because if they do, then these new QBs will begin their careers on such crummy teams, and with such obvious developmental needs, that just avoiding the Full Tebow would be a success. In an ideal world, only squads that have aging veterans who will need to be replaced in a couple years would take that plunge in '17: the Chargers, the Saints, the Cardinals, the Giants, the Steelers.

But that's not realistic. I rail about the Andy Daltons and Alex Smiths of the world because they ruin their teams by not being able to win a Super Bowl or pull a Browns-esque Hindenburg. Be good or suck! So the right draft approach is: hold your nose, take one of the QBs, and realize you're potentially lighting yourself on fire for three years. Will it be demoralizing if the Jets take Trubisky and he becomes Geno Smith? Of course. But by then your dumb fans will drink soma and talk themselves into Sol-Jay Maiava, and keep coming back. Better that revolving door of suckage than a decade of Andy Dalton. (Hug a Bengals fan today.)

So which teams should pick up a QB in the first round next week? I say: the Browns, the 49ers, the Bears, the Jets, and the Texans.

Tony R.: How do you think Leonard Fournette, Dalvin Cook, and Christian McCaffrey stack up to Ezekiel Elliott and Todd Gurley?

I think Fournette belongs in that stratus. The argument against him is that the days of the traditional running back are gone, as the Patriots load up on 700 pass-catching RBs and as big ol' Adrian Peterson looks for a new city in which to whip testicles. And it's true, Cook and McCaffrey fit that Swiss Army mold. At minimum, they're going to be high-floor players who'll do a lot.

But Fournette! He's six-foot-one and weighs somewhere between 240 (his Combine weight) and 228 (his Pro Day weight). It's fair to say that he's got bust potential in the current NFL, because he won't catch it much and doesn't yet have pass-blocking chops. Some of his running lanes at LSU were wide enough to drive latter-day Trent Richardson through, and I've spoken with experts who believe we haven't seen Fournette make enough mid-run direction-change decisions near the line of scrimmage. If he lands someplace without a solid passing game or offensive line, he could look like Gurley did in '16.

Oh, but I'd still take him. He didn't test as an explosive jumper, so I guess the numbers evaluators have concerns about his zero-inertia burst, but when he gets going he'll make some linebackers and safeties hurt. Yes, his development will be dependent on his surrounding cast more than Cook or McCaffrey, but if you get that cast, Fournette can be as dominant as any current NFL back. Cook's upside is Jamaal Charles and McCaffrey's upside is Brian Westbrook, but I'm not sure either will deliver. I'd put only Fournette in the Zeke/Gurley class.

Aaron M.: With the Mayweather/McGregor super-fight about to go down, it has me wondering about other cross-sport super battles. Who would you rather have as a wingman for your night out, in their respective primes: Magic Johnson or Tiger Woods?

I'll admit I'm less familiar with Magic's oeuvre in this area, but I'm fairly certain I can get interest from a fair number of Perkins waitresses without Tiger's help, and this is me we're talking about: the color of my belly skin causes snow-blindness. So I'll say Magic, whose personality is widely reported to be dang charming, even if he can be undeniably moronic. Descriptions of Tiger's personality range from "Shatner-esque" to "Grab-'em-by-the-pussy." No thanks.

Ruben G.: Two-part question. When will the casual fan finally realize Eli Manning is not a great quarterback? And speaking of Eli, who do you feel are the future Hall of Famers currently playing in the NFL?

Agreed. Eli has been a transcendent player on two playoff runs, and otherwise has been the NFL version of a toddler—i.e., he can crap his pants at any moment. But he's going to Canton. He'll need someone to drive him there, but he's going. Unless your name is Jim Plunkett, if you win two Super Bowls, you're in.

So why are we expecting Benny from the Bronx to approach his Eli fandom with nuance? NFL fans don't do nuance well. Hell, earlier in this column I implied Andy Dalton is the antichrist. And he's not. Probably. When it comes to Eli, just accept that you're one of the intellectually rigorous people out there who knows The Truth about him, plus I'm guessing you also know the Pythagorean Theorem, which Eli most certainly does not.

I'll also state unequivocally that I don't give two shits about MVP or HOF talk. It's the domain of manufactured outrage. But you asked, so I'll answer. And obviously, I'm 100 percent right and arguing with me is folly.

The active no-brainer Hall of Famers if they stopped playing tomorrow: Tom Brady, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, Eli Manning, Ben Roethlisberger, Adrian Peterson, Larry Fitzgerald, Antonio Gates, Jason Witten, Julius Peppers, Joe Thomas, Jason Peters, Darrelle Revis, and Adam Vinatieri. Did I forget someone? Nope, you're wrong.

The borderline guys, if they never played another snap, are, in order of likelihood: Dwight Freeney, Philip Rivers, Frank Gore, Terrell Suggs, J.J. Watt, and Rob Gronkowski. Again, don't bother weighing in on this one. You're wrong. (Note: you're probably not wrong.)

Joshua S.: Are you an EPL fan? If so, which team?

It depends on how you define "fan." If you mean, "Dumb person who wakes up bored on a Saturday morning and goes, 'Oh, shit, soccer!'" then totally. If you mean, "Person who can stand it when the clock keeps running even when some dude is pretending he's dying," then no. I casually root for Tottenham, because I decided they're mostly hopeless, and I definitely need more lost causes in my life.

Brandon: What's the perfect sandwich?

Anything you can eat off the highway, bro.

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