Dan Snyder and Co. announced some changes to the game-day experience for their fans in an email to season ticket holders. There's a lot in there like "happy hour pricing" at select vendors before the game, and the Washington Post has everything you need to read up on it fully. What we're going to do here is just list the best additions to the Washington Football Experience.They are as follows:
- "The team has heard the public outcry and will officially rename itself the Washington Football Club Owned By Dan Snyder™."
- "The Washington Football Club Owned By Dan Snyder™ has taken steps to ensure the proper National Anthem will be played before all games."
- "The Washington FCOBDS™ will provide season ticket holders with advance notice on the firing of Jay Gruden, which will come in Week 3 after he punches RG3 in the face for being 'too Hollywood.'"
- "Fuck the Eagles."
- "A new fight song, 'Hail to the Football Club Owned By Dan Snyder™,' will be co-written by Jimmy Buffett and Elvis Costello. Fan input will also be welcome but not guaranteed."
- "Former running back Dolemite Jackson has been hired as Director of Football Operations and Other Weird Stuff Fans May Like."
- "As first order of business, Dolemite Jackson names Clinton Portis as All-Time Greatest Running Back in the History of Life on This Earth. Fans are invited to a special event in his honor on February 7th, 2016, which will feature discounted mozzarella sticks and happy hour pricing Bud Lights."
- "Fuck the Cowboys."
- "The Washington Football Club Owned By Dan Snyder™ have officially expunged their record books of any losing seasons and only recognize the Super Bowl winning years, which, honestly, we kind of forget the exact years because they are so long ago. But, for fan convenience and enjoyment, we have made these new record books available for download via Barnes & Noble Nook for three payments of $69.69. Taxes and shipping costs not included."
- "Racist fans will receive special tickets with proprietary technology installed to play the "looking kind of dumb with her finger and her thumb In the shape of an "L" on her forehead" portion of Smashmouth's hit song "All Star" when entering the stadium. There is no volume control or muting function on the tickets, that tech is still years away."