It can be overwhelming to be ghosted, dumped, or not have your feelings reciprocated, and trying to figure out the reason it went down—Did I text too frequently? Was I too forward on our last date? Does he think my dream of visiting Dollywood is stupid?—can be hard. Some people down a pitcher of frozen mango margaritas and show up at their ex's doorstep demanding answers about why things didn't work out. Others go on a digital rampage, erasing any trace of the ex in their social media feeds. Is there a better way to cope?
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We asked a sexuality educator, podcast hosts, dating coaches, and a philosophy professor to tell us how to make sense of the sting. They gave us their best advice on how to move forward, gain perspective, and establish a zen-like sense of peace after having one's heart stomped on.Answers have been edited for length and clarity.I will not quietly accept being ghosted! It's not socially acceptable, and I think we need to train a new generation of ghostbusters, ghost-ees who are willing to haunt the person who has ghosted us and make it clear we deserve to be treated like a real fucking human being. Go straight for the confrontation. We maintain our pride by being silent and pretending we didn't care. But I think the actual way you reclaim your pride is by being outspoken when you're hurt. Express your outrage when they refuse to behave like a human adult. This might make me a weirdly calibrated person, but I don't think we should feel rejection at all. Rejection is a thing we choose to feel. When I feel rejected, I'm usually projecting my insecurities onto the reasons given. When in fact the rejection I feel is usually about my relationship with myself. I think about the qualities I was obsessed with about this person, and usually it's just a trait I wish I had. Sometimes I take rejection and try to project that energy into taking on that quality.If you are turned down, you may feel small. Expect to be visited by the temptation to console yourself by making someone else feel even smaller than you. Greet the temptation, make it a cup of tea, and let it pass. After being dumped, it can be fun to fantasize about revenge. The best revenge is living well. Take as long as you need—a month, a year, a decade. You're not on a schedule. Many poems and songs will speak to you more directly now. How we come across an artwork changes how we take it in, so maybe you should go hunting for something that appeals to you. I recommend you read "The Glass Essay" by Anne Carson, read the books Against Happiness by Eric Wilson, Cheryl Strayed's Tiny Beautiful Things, and Milk and Honey by Rupi Kaur. Watch Hal Hartley's movie Surviving Desire, and listen to the philosopher Lucy Allais discussing forgiveness.
Andrea Silenzi, Host/Producer of the Podcast Why Oh Why
Raphael Krut-Landau, Philosophy Professor
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Timaree Schmit, PhD, Sexuality Educator
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Steve Dean, Online Dating Consultant
Laura Yates, Bounce Back Coach and Writer
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Surround yourself with people who remind you of how great you are. Use tools such as journaling and meditation to work through what you're experiencing. Trust that it will get easier, even if right now it doesn't seem or feel that way. It's about taking small, positive steps every day. To bounce back quicker, listen to my podcast, Let's Talk Heartbreak, which will be relaunched in the summer. I also recommend Dr. Karin's Love and Life podcast and the Love Is Like a Plant podcast. As for books, I always recommend to clients: The 4 Agreements, Attached, Emotional First Aid, The 5 Love Languages, and Single Is the New Black.Angela: I firmly believe in blocking exes on social media. I think the quickest way to get over somebody is not having them in your face every time you check your phone.Laura: If you're ghosted, it's not about you. The other person doesn't have the guts to be an adult and say to you, "I'm not ready for a relationship." Or, "Hey, I was dating a couple people, and I actually got serious with someone else." Or, "Hey, I really like you but the timing doesn't feel right." Just remember that, what a dummy the other person is. And do you want to date someone like that? Probably not. This is super old school, but my bible when I was being ghosted or dumped it was always the book He's Just Not That Into You or Why Men Love Bitches. Those were the early 2000s books that got me through my breakups and inspired me to write a book myself and update those books. Both of those books still stand up. They're oldies but goodies, and they worked for me.Angela: I just like hearing other people's stories. When you're going through a breakup, you can feel that you're alone and a little crazy, so hearing other people's stories make you feel better. I really loved Julie Klausner's book I Don't Care About Your Band.Laura: I also recommend Hilary Winston's book, My Boyfriend Wrote a Book About Me, and the New York Times' Modern Love column. I read that religiously, and it makes me realize relationships are not how they seem in movies. They're not the Instagram-curated version that we see on our friends' feeds. They're complex, and no relationship is perfect.Follow Anna Goldfarb on Twitter.