What Your Halloween 2023 Outfit Says About You

It’s that time of year again and everyone’s getting ready to show their inner selves in the guise of a silly outfit. There are probably four categories to Halloween costumes: sexy, smart, minimal effort and actual costume (think Mr. Blobby). We’ve all probably done at least one of these in our lives. 

I’m going to a party this year dressed as Jordan Peterson, in insanely technicoloured smartwear, because I can mimic his Canadian Kermit voice just so. But while that may well communicate frightening things about me (it doesn’t), the truth is any given outfit says something about your interior workings, and about those hopes and dreams. 

So whether it’s lethal pets, messed-up Barbies or everything in between, here’s what your Halloween outfit says about you.

You loved Kate McKinnon’s character in Barbie a little too much. You also loved her because, back when you were little, you did quirky experiments with your Barbies and other dolls that you can no longer discuss openly. You skew eccentric. You’re the Pheoebe from Friends of the group. You had a big Death Cab for Cutie phase.

You are a metropolitan foodie and you’re glad this costume communicates the three core tenets of your personality: Japanese knives, Instagram butter posts and cocaine.

You are a high-flying vape addict with a penchant for sharp, performative social commentary. You secretly mourn any impending bans on e-cigarettes like a death in the family. You’re outwardly making a big song and dance of it to excise what is a deep personal tragedy, enacted by what you are convinced is a shadowy government cabal. You realise after multiple conversations at the party that it’s much cheaper to buy a reusable one with the different liquids from a mate-y boy vape shop anyway. You’ve got a little permacough. 

You’re an intellectual-type with a job that demands some level of security clearance. You thought the film could have shown Japan more, but you respect Christopher Nolan’s decision not to. You were a bit put off by Oppenheimer’s left leanings because your family is landed gentry, or at least they were before the “big sale”.

You love getting the bags in and so you have come as a snarling coke-addled bear. You’re already at the stage where gear doesn’t really do anything good for you, but everyone knows you as the bag man so you’ve come dressed as the fucking bear. Sleep’s a struggle on these powder nights; later you’ll flail about in bed like a salmon in a net before you finally nod off. 

You got the idea from all the stag do lads and you definitely don’t rate Just Stop Oil and you’re making sure everyone can see you shaking your head when pressed on it. “Although actually, obviously they’ve got a point,” you’re saying. “They just need to go about it a different way.” You do a bit of mushy choc and realise they’re already doing anything and everything short of terrorism, and so you can’t conceive of what else they could be doing. They shouldn’t have touched Les Mis, though.

You’re an edgelord and you’ve come as the scariest dog in Britain. You’ve got some unresolved issue with your childhood cat. You went to the XL bully rally “as a joke”, but now you think the ban’s another case of UK government overreach. Bang into “just asking questions”.

You’re telling everyone you “just do beach” and it’s going down pretty well. Ken’s accidental, organically patriarchal worldview appeals to you on some base, unspoken level. You’re up for NSA fun and you’re saying you’re “kenough” to any woman that’s in earshot. Bit of an airhead.

You’re the belle of the ball because you’ve come as a bed bug. You’re showing solidarity with the striking actors who can’t go dressed up as TV and film character this year. You get off on making people confront horrific truths, like the fact Europe is absolutely crawling with little fucking nocturnal guys. You wanted the costume to look sexy somehow (you thought you might go home with someone, then you could joke how bed bugs are great hitchhikers), but a lot of people think you’ve come dressed as a big, brown turd.

You’re a sick fuck. 

@niche_t_