Senior Citizens I'd Sex Up

Not to be a downer or anything but I’ve never had a grandpa, which is probably the reason why I only see old men as seasoned sexpots rather than dribbling sacks of saggy skin. Blame it on some Freudian complex but to me, every wrinkle and crinkle, every dark brown liver spot, is just another layer of mystery that I hope to peel off along with their linty sweater-vests. And while age ain’t nothing but a number, men just seem their ripest in their eager 80s—old enough to know better, still young enough to breathe unassisted. So my dear octogenarians, please pop one (or five) of those little blue pills and show me how you used to do it back in the good old days, all night long.

Christopher Plummer, 82

Listen, while all you amateurs were getting off to Rooney Mara’s violent rape scenes or to her halfway-decent sex with Daniel Craig, I knew that the real eroticism of The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo lied in one place and one place only—Christopher Plummer’s desperate, pleading gaze. Displaying deep-set eyes puffy with experience and a head in the midst of a unique asymmetrical balding pattern, Plummer keeps me forever wishing I was a would-be nun if only so I could be seduced by his big von Trapp. Let’s just say that if we got together the hills would certainly be alive, but not with the sound of music.

Stan Lee, 89

Whether or not we want to admit it, all chicks have a soft spot for comic book nerds. Sure, they’re usually borderline asperger-y but they have charmingly childlike imaginations and they always manage to make us feel pretty. So when it comes to sexing Forbidden Planet frequent-buyers, who’s better than the KING of comics? Stan Lee, with his ever-present aviators and delectable porn-stache, has birthed so many superheroes, he may as well just be one himself. Let’s hope he’s got some super-stamina though, because I have a skin-tight PVC leotard that’s going to take quite a while to peel off.

Henry Kissinger, 89

Although politics (and the government in general) tend to make me bubble with disgust, Henry Kissinger is probably the one Whitehouse wingman that I would ever bother to hate-fuck. True, he’s been linked to conspiracies, war crimes, and crimes against humanity but he won a Nobel Peace Prize once—uh, albeit for ending a war he didn’t really end—so he can’t be that bad right? Like he has so aptly observed, “Power is the ultimate aphrodisiac,” and Kissinger, you’ve got one POWERFUL nose. Get on over here you horrible little man.

Sean Connery, 81

Excuse me, Sean. I mean Sir Sean Connery—that’s right, my boy’s been knighted! My dream of being a Bond girl began with this Scotsman’s eyebrows and ended with them, too, for there is room for only one 007 in my heart and that’s the original. I was a little disappointed when I found out that I wasn’t the only lady getting total Connery-vibes from Bane in The Dark Knight Rises because I’ve always prided myself on having a sort of Sean sixth-sense. Oh well, even if his raw and raspy accent has permeated the general female consciousness, I could almost guarantee that nobody wants his Goldfinger on their trigger as much as I do.

A. Alfred Taubman, 88

Nothing puts me in the mood more than spending money on an all-day shopping spree at my local mall. Luckily, Mr. Taubman owns them all. I'd love for the jolly jowled businessman to drop some of his $1.5 BILLION on me at Victoria’s Secret, just on a few frilly little something-or-others. Then maybe we could shuffle down to the food court where I would order one of those shriveled up hotdogs that are conveniently wedged inside a moist pretzel bun. He would just order the cheese sauce because he can't eat solids. Then we'd retire to one of those weird apartments that are built right into the mall and I'd let him drag his pearly white dentures all over my labia untill he peters out. Just like strolling through a giant small-business-killing corporate shopping mall, it sounds awful but it would feel really good.

To learn who else Stephanie would sex up, follow her on Twitter @luxerubbish

Previously - Serial Killers I'd Sex Up