How to Eat in Chicago

Ever notice how huge the typical Chicago middle-aged human is? It's because there are about eight million restaurants per square inch. These are some sure bets:

Thai Lagoon (2322 W North Ave, 773-489-5747) The keemow with crispy noodles is the Thai equivalent of nachos (which is rad).

Fat Willie's Rib Shack (2416 W Schubert Ave, 773-782-1800) Ribs are by far the coolest food in the entire universe, and this spot is king for jamming slab. The back wall is a huge chalkboard usually covered in drawings of cows and SpongeBobs by bored little kids, but one day we walked in and saw every lyric to Led Zeppelin's "Ramble On" painstakingly transcribed across the entire board. Let's just hope whoever was responsible had their name spelled properly on their Genius Award.

Irazu (1865 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-252-5687) Chicago's No. 1 Costa Rican/Cuban spot. An oatmeal milkshake and a veggie burrito is a handjob for the stomach AND the mind.

Sultan's Market (2057 W North Ave, 773-235-3072) Epic falafel.

Hot Doug's (3324 N California Ave, 773-279-9550) A complete Chicago legend that fully lives up to the hype: It's a gourmet hot dog place! Cruise on over to hotdougs.com, queue up the Hot Doug's theme song (techno remix is the dopest), click on the daily specials and prepare to have your mind blown. Better yet, think of ANY animal (extinct, mythological, whatever) and tell your buddy if they don't offer it as a special, dude is buyin'.

Brunch

A tradition as old as time, this is everyone's chance to see the bar crowd from the night before in terrifyingly true daylight (and the best way to find out who went home with whom).

Bite Café (1039 N Western Ave, 773-395-2483) Attached to the Empty Bottle*. Mellow brunch with killer homemade deserts.

Flying Saucer (1123 N California Ave, 773-342-9076) Always looks closed. (It's not.)

Rodan (1530 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-276-7036) Yup, Bro-dan throws down in the brunch scene, too, and it ain't too bad. Wasabi olives in the bloody marys are a mind bender. Gotta get after that.

Victory's Banner (2100 W Roscoe St, 773-665-0227) Totally out-there religious-cult-owned and -operated joint that will serve you up the greatest meat-free brunch you ever damn tasted. I know a girl who asked for an application here, because it was "cute." Apparently the flowing linens on the waitstaff and pictures/ videos/posters of the dude they clearly run this spot to worship didn't hit home.

Bongo Room (470 N Milwaukee Ave, 773-489-0690) Only about four people have ever eaten here, but thousands have waited in line. No idea what goes on inside.

Handlebar (2311 W North Ave, 773-384-9546) Brunch's secret weapon. Never a line. Average eats, but enough to get you back on your feet and back to making mistakes. Warning: May contain trace elements of bike weirdo.

The Burrito Phenomenon: Lazo's vs. Arturo's (2009 N Western Ave, 773-486-3303, and 2001 N Western Ave, 773-772-4944) Two 24-hour burrito joints located directly next to each other. We've been told the only true difference between the two is that one is where rats go to fuck, and the other is where rats go to die.

La Pasadita vs. Itself x2 (1132, 1140, & 1141 (no joke) N Ashland Ave, 773-278-0384) If you're still scratching your head about the above entry, stop reading now. On Ashland just south of Division Avenue, you'll find not one, not two, but THREE burrito jams named La Pasadita. Are they owned by the same dudes? Are they in competition? What the fuck is going on here? Don't think about it too hard or you'll barf up what you just ate. (At least the CHANCE of throwing up makes this gamble a little better than Lazo's vs. Arturo's.)