Under the Bucket: Deaner's Guide to Enjoying the NHL Playoffs Once Your Team Is Knocked Out

(Editor's note: Welcome to Under the Bucket, where Deaner from the classic flick Fubar tackles all things NHL for VICE Sports. You can follow him on Twitter and read previous installments here.)

You know when you're on the 'zipper' ride at the fair and the guy's like, "DO YOU WANNA GO FASTER?!?!" and you're like, "FUCK YAH, BUD!" and you keep goin' faster and faster and that loud siren is goin' off, and just when you think you're gonna puke something happens? You get used to it. The zipper keeps on zippin' but your brain has caught up to the madness and sent some kinda fuckin' electric pulse to the survival zone cortex, and the fun wears off. You peel your bare back off the plastic seat and you go get in line again, but it ain't the same.

Well, when my Flamers ain't playin, that's the way she be for the Stanley Cup playoffs. Like, man, I love the first round—the players are so fuckin' geared up, and every game is a hellfire mission in the starlight hour with massive hits, epic back-and-forth overtimes, sweet goals and deadly comebacks. You just can't top it, you know?

Round two is usually deadly, too, but I have to pick a team to keep her interesting. This year I picked the Preds, and that was pretty deadly, I even coined a new name that caught fire on the fuckin' internet. For a while there everybody was talking about The Dijon Puck Hustlers.

And, look, don't get me wrong, the games are still sweet in the third round and the finals. But fuck, she's startin to get warm outside, and the ladies keep whistlin' at me through my busted window, going, "Hey Deeeaner… we got a mickey of Southern Cuuuuuuuuumfort." So I gotta do somethin' to keep my interest on the game, you know?

Here's how you do it.

One thing that works real good is partyin' with people who are super fans. Like I went to a bar full of Raptors fans for Game 7 last week, and after a couple shotguns and round of high fives, all of a sudden I was a basketball fan. I call it the 'Hair Fan' effect. Sometimes you're the Super Fan—giviner hard and hollerin'—and sometimes you're The Hair, just getting blown the fuck back by the sheer force of fan power.

Another thing you can do is make a serious bet with someone you really don't like. I made a bet with buddy from another band that keeps gettin' all the sweet gigs that if the Preds didn't win the loser had to prance around downtown in a jersey and a tight-fitting skirt. I ain't proud of this pic, but I was fuckin' convinced the Preds were gonna do it. Luckily one of my lady friends volunteered to shave my legs, otherwise this woulda been really embarrassing.

Fuck, I tried shotgunning a beer every time there was a puck-over-glass penalty, and I fuckin' blacked out before the end of the Pens/Caps game. I woke up in my backyard wearing a motorcycle helmet that wasn't mine, and found a 20-foot hole near the barbeque. So in the interest of my health and backyard safety, now I shotgun beers when the score is tied, and empty netters. So start off with a shotgun. Then any time a team ties it, fuckin shotgun another beer. Fuckin' deadly.

I've already discussed the deadly mix of shotgunning beers and hockey before, when I proposed making goalies shotgun beers when their teammates take a penalty as a way to increase scoring in the NHL. Yeah, it's a fuckin' deadly idea, I know.

Even if you're feelin' sick of hockey once your favourite team is out, watching the development of playoff beards is enough reason to stay tuned into the postseason. And the Blues and Sharks feature some pretty epic beard battles.

Let's see who comes out on top when she comes to face sauce. I picked the top 10 from each team, and gave each beard a name and score. You'd think the Sharks woulda walked away with it, cuz they got Burnsie and Thornton, but she's pretty close with Elliott and Pietrangelo rocking some solid short and curlies.

Brian Elliott—"The Henrik Lundqvist" - 8/10
Ryan Reaves—"Used Car Salesman" - 6/10
VladimirTarasenko—"Wispy Paperboy" - 6/10
Patrik Berglund—"Cult Leader" - 8/10
Robby Fabbri—"Sweet And Patchy" - 7/10
Alex Pietrangelo—"Italian Bear Beard" - 8/10
Steve Ott—"Young Wizard" - 7/10
Jori Lehtera—"European Fencing Champion" - 6/10
Kyle Brodziak—"Passed Out In A Cornfield" - 7/10
Kevin Shattenkirk—"Hungover Schooner Captain" - 6/10

Tommy Wingels—"Magician Disguise Kit" - 6/10
Paul Martin—"Sedin's Scottish Cousin"- 7/10
Joonas Donskoi—"Viking In A Hot Tub" - 7/10
Patrick Marleau—"Business Face" - 8/10
Joe Pavelski—"Trimmed My Beard To Meet Your Mom" - 7/10
Roman Polak—"Mean Bouncer" - 8/10
Logan Couture—"The DeanerPlus" - 8/10
Martin Jones—"Old-Timey lawyer"
Joe Thornton—"Lost In The Woods For 200 Days" 9/10
Brent Burns—"Lost In The Woods Since Childhood" 10/10

Blues: 69/100
Sharks: 70/100

So, yah, try out these tips, and the last two rounds of the NHL Playoffs will be as fresh as a Lethbridge Pilsner.

Oh, and a little pre-summer tip—if you're heading out to the fair, shrooms are a good way to make the zipper fun for a good, long while. Just remember to eat cotton candy and corn dogs AFTER, cuz there's a little known rule that if you puke at the fair on hallucinogens, you have to clean it up yourself. They check your pupils and everything. Trust me, I was there on my knees high as a space eagle, cleanin' my own puke while a bunch of kids kicked me in the ribs tellin' me to hurry up.

And speakin of space eagles, can you imagine the CARNAGE if the Sharks and Penguins met in the real world? I mean, fuck yah, a Shark leapin' outta the water to devour a penguin hangin' on the shore is deadly. But what if after that, a whole team of penguins SWARMED that shark, mad with vengeance, pecking his eyes out (Bryan Rust I'm kinda lookin at you), and jabbin' sharp sticks into his gills? That'd be fuckin' deadly.

SHARKS AND PENGUINS in the FINALS.