I am sure other people have considered that idea, only to discover it’s not possible. Trucking is almost a trillion-dollar industry. According to BI, the Bureau of Labor Statistics says nearly six percent of ALL jobs in America are trucking jobs. Amazon alone owns over 20,000 trucks. Given our shit infrastructure, you can’t just ban trucks from the road at various hours, spanning four-plus time zones, and not fuck everything up. You’d disrupt the flow of nearly every consumer good exchanging hands throughout the course of a normal American workday. Also, some Teamster boss named Spider would come and beat you to death with a tire iron. There’s no way to wean ourselves off trucks without implementing high-speed freight railroads, or passing environmental laws limiting truck emissions and shipping distances, or inventing teleportation.The key to significantly reducing rush-hour traffic is eliminating semis from the road. Why has no one thought of preventing them from driving on expressways during rush hours? And it would be easy to implement! I for one welcome our robot trucker overlords, which would make this exponentially easier.
I understand the logic. I’ve turned food upside down to make sure I get the important stuff onto my tongue first, with Pillsbury cinnamon rolls and sprinkle donuts being the worthiest candidates of them all. I’ve probably tried this with toast toward the end of eating a piece, when there’s less risk of shit falling off than if I inverted my toast right from the get-go. It’s funny that I’d be skittish about making a mess when toast is, with no good reason, one of the messiest foods on Earth. You take one bite of toast—right side up or however else—and suddenly there’s a hailstorm of crumbs all over the goddamn place.I’ve just started eating toast with the topping facing down when I chew. This means instead of delicious jam or nut butter sticking to the roof of my mouth it is delivered directly to my tongue with no delay. Obviously it’s not topping down on the plate. My question is does everyone do this, or am I a genius? Should I be lauded by society or shunned for displaying serial killer behavior?
Oh you better believe I could. I’m in my 40s. I’m already trying to make my wardrobe last forever. I wear the same getup so often that I look like a TJ Maxx mannequin that magically came to life. Just a walking blur of neutral-colored polyester. These clothes are invulnerable to biodegradation. They might contain some nuclear waste, I’m not sure. But they’re comfortable and I don’t want to spend any more on clothing than the cumulative $35 I’ve already spent on it. That’s because I care about the world. Also, I don’t want to have to break in a new hoodie. The ones I own have already had their fibers lovingly imbued with my deodorant runoff.Assuming no extreme personal weight loss and 30-40 more years of life, could you make it through the remainder of your days with the clothing in your wardrobe today, shoes, socks, and underwear not withstanding? I think I could except for exercise shorts and anything with an elastic waistband.
Who says those letters have to be generic and insincere? You can actually write a GOOD thank-you email if you put more than five minutes of thought into it. You can be charming and candid and not just sound like you wrote a form letter. We’re not even talking about a hand-written note. It’s an email. You’re not digging a ditch. Also, it’s better to write those emails and have them turn out to be superfluous to the hiring process rather than the other way around. Know what I mean? If it’s a nice job, you may as well do everything you can to get it.My friend just finished a final round of interviews for a high-level management position. His current supervisors both told him it was imperative that he write thank-you emails to every individual on the hiring committee (of which there were 11), thanking them for the interview. I contend that this is dumb and bad. If the decision to hire or not is contingent on having received a generic, insincere email that tells them nothing new about me as a candidate they didn’t already get in the interview, then this hiring committee is petty and dumb and I don’t want to work for them anyway. What say you?
You should hate Bobby Cox because he was a wifebeater. As for his managerial record, I think it’s safe to say that he was pretty exceptional at his job. I’m a Twins fan, so I hated those Braves teams and I still take delight in the fact that they only managed to eke out one title from 15 years of sustained excellence. I’m as liable as anyone to do the whole COUNT THE RINGZ take when it comes to them. But I’m not stupid. Those Braves won the NL East 14 times, including 11 times in a row. That’s insane. You don’t just luck into a streak like that, especially a few years before the wealth gap in baseball became as pronounced as it is now.Everyone here in Braves Nation accepts that Bobby Cox was a great manager because he won a bunch of division titles and all his players loved him. I believe that he was actually mediocre at best because he only won one World Series out of all that talent. Am I wrong?
You can forgive him for all that. Given that he’s the ONE guy on Earth who doesn’t go NICE after seeing a 69 out in the wild, you could probably sell him on eBay as a collector’s item. Such a rarity might fetch $200 on the open market.But you love the guy, yeah? So big fucking deal if he’s ignorant of two jokes that the rest of the world has beaten into the ground a million times over. Now if he didn’t laugh at farts, that would be a whole other thing. No one could live with that kind of tight-ass. But if he’s an otherwise amusing fellow and he’s willing to be EDUCATED in basic memecraft, I don’t think it’s worth cutting bait just so you can find yourself some guy out there who’s gung ho for making a calculator say boobs upside down. I still enjoy that practice. But then again, so does Donald Trump Jr. I wouldn’t make it vital criteria for landing a mate. “Searching for SWM! Must love that one Gene Wilder gif!”I love my boyfriend. So I'm a little upset that there is one genre of joke he doesn't "get" but I don't have the heart to bully him into understanding. The other day, he changed the temperature of the air conditioner to 69, and when I said "Hehe nice" he didn't get it. Then, we went to a wedding with his friends and someone said 420, and he didn’t know why I laughed. How do I rectify that I'm in love with someone who doesn't understand the most classic and lighthearted humor?
HALFTIME!
But isn’t everything flavored water? What do think the chief liquid in soda and juice is? Unless you’re drinking Pepsi, it’s not mercury. All those drinks have water in them despite the fact that they aren’t “water” in the literal sense. They’re solutions. That includes coffee. In other words, you’re technically right but spiritually wrong. God, I hate waffling over this. Let’s just call you wrong.The good news for you is that coffee is NOT dehydrating, as urban legends might have you believe. It’ll make you shit with a frantic urgency. But it’s an otherwise decent method of fluid intake, provided you’re not one of those loons who mainlines a dozen cups before 10am. I wouldn’t make coffee your ONLY means of hydration. You should mix it up for the good of your system. There’s potato vodka, for instance.Also, you can be like me and forgo regular-ass water for the glories of seltzer. I drink enough seltzer to make my bladder expand to the size of a small moon. It’s the best.Settle an argument for me: My wife told me that I need to drink more water. I told her that I drink plenty of water, including my two cups of coffee in the morning. She responded that coffee was not water, but instead was its own drink, like soda or juice. I say it's water that has been flavored and enhanced with coffee. Also, adding tea leaves to water gives you tea, but it's still just flavored water. Am I right?
Yes. Attack each toilet with an enthusiasm unknown to mankind.Ben:Does Jim Harbaugh scream every time he takes a shit?
I wouldn’t have picked LOVE and HATE anyway because Radio Raheem and his rings hold a rightful monopoly over using those words as hand décor. Anyone else who tattoos those words on their knuckles looks like they play bass for Crazytown. GTFO.Given the character limits, you’re asking me for the tattoo equivalent of a vanity plate. Long ago, I decided that if I ever got a vanity plate (I don’t have one because I don’t wanna pay for it), it would be NSFW. But that would only work for one hand tat. An obvious alternative for me would be to put DEAD on one hand and SPIN on the other. But if Deadspin’s current owners reboot the site as Barstool But With Prettier Ads (which is precisely what they’ll do), I would end up regretting those tattoos in an instant.I could put my name across my hands, but it would get cut off at DREW MAGA, which would again be regrettable. Somehow this is harder than naming a boat. Such a shame I have more than two children. Thus, I only have one option:HÜSK ERDÜThat would inevitably be greeted by some kid flashing their own knuckle tats at me that say OKBO OMER. That’ll be a great time. Finger tattoos look like shit.Let’s say one day we all have to get knuckle tattoos, because reasons. You can pick eight letters or numbers across both hands, but you can’t pick “LOVE HATE”, because related reasons. What’s your pick?
I quit Prime years ago because it made me feel like a demonstrably worse person. If I can get a box of crackers delivered to me overnight, with no additional fees, the temptation is way too strong. We’re talking instant Triscuits here, man. Who can resist their siren song? Not I.I don’t think there’s any way to moderate your Prime usage without quitting it outright. It’s like retail heroin. You can say,“Amazon is evil” all you like and know it’s true in your soul, but they don’t give a shit so long as you keep relying on them for bulk deliveries of ribbed t-shirts. You’re supporting them without “caring” about them, in which case your indifference exists mostly so you can feel better about yourself. I know ALL about being this kind of passive capitalist. I preach what I don’t practice. Quitting Prime represents my absolute feeblest attempt to resist BIG EVERYTHING. I still drive a car with an internal combustion engine. I still use regular Amazon (their non-Prime free shipping is still quick enough for most things). I eat meat. We bought disposable diapers for all three of our kids. Mine is, as I’ve said elsewhere, a quietly damnable existence.Should I feel guilty about how often I return products on Amazon Prime? I feel like I try out and return more than half of what I buy so much so that I will cavalierly order ANYTHING I can return because it can be in and out of my house in less than 24 hours. I obviously don't care about Amazon but am I hurting the mom & pops and the environment?
I lived in rural deep southern Illinois for like 5 years and the most outlandish thing I ever saw was in East Cape Girardeau, IL. The "town" has a population of roughly 400 and the entire town is just two trailer parks, a strip club and a saloon. I was driving through there and the strip club had one of those signs with the changeable lettering mounted way up above the road. It read:
CONGRATS CLASS OF 2013
Lenny Dykstra is now driving 100mph to that town as we speak.Matt:NOW HIRING
Over the last few weeks I have observed a coworker who I don’t know personally drinking coffee in the bathroom. Not just bringing it into the bathroom and setting it down, but actually consuming it. As if that wasn’t disgusting enough, today was something else. I open the bathroom door to see him exiting a stall with his iced coffee in hand. I don’t have a question. I just hope this can spread awareness that consuming food or beverage in a public bathroom is monstrous.
Sometimes, yeah. The first thing I read at Serious Eats was a recipe for homemade ramen that involved stewing pig bones for, like, nine days. I was like, “This is out of hand.” But they also have more efficient recipes on that site, like for smashed cheeseburgers and for basic crepes. They’re not all labor intensive, and at least Kenji is up front about what’s actually easy to make, unlike other places that act like making your own butter from scratch is the simplest, least time-consuming thing you’ll ever do.Where is your favorite place to glean recipes from/read cooking tips? Specific website, cookbook, newspaper, etc.? Mine is Serious Eats, but sometimes it's a little too serious, ya know?
For anything flat, I’m with your mom. Gimme all the ice. I want my throat to fucking shatter after I’ve tossed down that lemonade. For carbonated drinks, I like half-ice. That way, the drink gets cold but there’s not so much ice melt that the bubbles get murdered. Such an easy way to ruin a Big Gulp of Double Dew XXXX. Otherwise, I want as much ice as I can get away with. If it crowds out the glass, I can always get a refill.This is why those big whiskey cubes that fancy joints use are so handy. They’re cool to look at, and they make me feel like a CEO. But they also have a functional value because they keep your old fashioned cold without diluting it too much. I have a cheap silicon tray to make these kinda cubes and I was gonna throw it out because I can’t drink alcohol anymore. But then I was like you know, you can use big ice in OTHER drinks too, Drew. And so I shall.At what level do you prefer your ice? I prefer light ice but I sometimes get no ice. Like you, I'm a thirsty guy and will put down comical amounts of beverages at a sitting. I could be eating oatmeal and my mouth would feel dry. Big Drink has convinced us that we need our drinks at 33 degrees but aren't we wasting valuable beverage real estate? My mom won't accept anything less than FULL ICE.
Email of the week!
My husband and I throw two big parties a year at our house, one on Halloween and one roughly around the 4th of July. Last Halloween we bought a pumpkin to carve but ended up just leaving it whole and sitting by our front door, and then promptly forgot about it after the party. Fast forward to near spring, when we realized it was still perfectly intact. Like the adults we are we decided to see just how long it could go, but we're in Texas so the heat plus spring rain just melted it. Now it's a gross little pumpkin slop pile on the stoop.
Real question is this: our next summer party is June 29, so should we stay committed and let it totally disappear on its own? Or scrape it up before partygoers arrive and realized we're garbage people who let a pumpkin rot for 9 months by our front door?