James Rodríguez Scores Two Magnificent Goals, Inspires The Bard

James Rodríguez is incapable of scoring just an ordinary goal. No, his goals are an act of divine intervention. And by divine intervention, I don't mean God. I mean Ray Hudson.

To the goal above, commentator Ray Hudson—who interacts with words in the way Bernini interacted with marble—has provided nothing but pure inspiration. The Bard extolls the virtue of this "lovely upside-down jubilee" of a goal from James, "this number 10 on his shirt and a number 10 in our hearts." He also makes an accurate statistical comparison, when the Real Betis keeper, "tries to get his palm to it—he's got as much chance as a snowball in a microwave."

Then there's Hudson's reaction to these highlights:

"There is a hurricane blowing in Miami area right now, there is a hurricane blowing at the Santiago Bernabeau and it's all white, and it's Betis that are tropically depressed by this brilliant ball from James," Hudson insensitively goes on (though he does live in Florida). "He is cooler than a polar bear's bum," Hudson extolls about James. Cristiano later gets graced by the poet, "with his arms open like a big Dutch windmill, saying feed me, baby!," and later "banjoes" a ball at the keeper. Then back to our star, James, "a Colombian hypodermic needle, and a pure celebration of everything that is free click, clase de glace (sp? concept? relevance?) on grass."

When everything is etched into the annals of soccer history, it is James who will be humbled to have be graced by the soccer genius of Ray Hudson—and not the other way around.