Old Man Dwyane Wade Still Knows How to Party

Due to our longer lifespans and protracted adolescence, the American male gets to wear the label of "young man" a long-ass time. I didn't stop hearing it until I was 35.

So, Dwyane Wade, it's official: You are no longer a young man.

Flash—yep, we're digging deep in the nickname archives—celebrated his birthday on Tuesday night with a home game against the 13-27 Dallas Mavericks. Wade started off looking spry, throwing up a vintage tumbling backward high-off-glass layup, a two-handed throwdown, and a sweet lob alley-oop to Cristiano Felicio off a behind-the-back dribble. It was almost like time slowed down enough for Wade to morph into some sort of seasonal bird…

Like a spring chicken… but more like a fall/winter chicken — Gabrielle Union (@itsgabrielleu)January 17, 2017

In the second half, the pinata burst and the Mavericks scooped up all the candy. Isos for Marquette alums-in-crime Wade and Jimmy Butler generally stagnated, while fellow Marquette alum Wesley Matthews hung around the arc and drilled a go-ahead three with 12 seconds left.

Still, it's Wade's 35th and he's got a makeable baseline jumper. We know how the movie ends—bucket and call it a night to get some cake and bubbly, right? Happy Birthday to you….

But like a man first realizing that time is finite and death is inevitable, the birthday game ended tragically for the #chocolatelover and his #bffbae, and the Bulls fell below .500.

Wanting to make the most of the time he has left on earth, the middle-aged Wade shook off the loss and found solace in the arms of his bae, a machine blowing dollar-dollar-bills y'all in the air, the soothing words of Twista and Do Or Die, and the home-cooked comfort of Popeye's chicken and biscuits.

It's too bad we gotta get old, Stallion.