Under the Bucket: Deaner Juggles His Crystal Balls to Predict the NHL Playoffs

(Editor's note: Welcome to Under the Bucket, where Deaner from the classic flick Fubar tackles all things NHL for VICE Sports. You can follow him on Twitter and read previous installments here.)

If your hockey team is based in Canada, yesterday was the day of shame. The day when your favourite players sit with their backs up against the stall, trying make sense of what the hell went wrong. Is coach a fuckhead? Did the GM screw the pooch? Did the Russians fuck things up in the dressing room? Well, deadly readers of Under the Bucket, we ain't gonna ever know, cuz all you ever hear is the classic press conference lines of bullshit. But I get it—nobody wants to kick a hornet's nest right before they get on a plane to Cabo Wabo. Fuck man, been there, and lemme tell you… tequila helps the pain, but don't do fuck all for the swelling. So yah, your team cruised down a piss covered slip-in-slide into a pool of flaming pig shit, whaddya gonna do now?

I'll admit it's hard to get excited about the playoffs if you ain't in it. When the schedule came out, I felt like my ex-girlfriend knocked on my door lookin' all hot, sayin' she was just there to quickly grab her panties from under the bucket bed. And her new dickhead boyfriend is waving at me from his brand new Hyundai Elantra. Whatever pal, I know you listen to Imagine Dragons, you fucking dildo.

But you know what? The past is in the past. After she's gone, you slam the door shut, crack a Pilsner and remember that playoff hockey is THE BEST. PERIOD. And c'mon, go through the playoff teams and there's usually more than a few guys from your hometown (unless you're from Lively, Ontario, in that case there's just Andrew Desjardins). Like fuckin' eh, Thomas Hickey grew up in the same neighbourhood as me in Calgary, fuckin' rights I'll be pullin' for the Islanders.

Well, anyway, it's time for some predictions. Back by popular demand, I looked deep into my crystal balls to forecast the first round of the 2016 NHL playoffs. Grab your favourite beer by the hand and walk into the light. The light cast from the Stanley Cup, the deadliest of all trophies.

*Note: The "stache/mullet" rating is based on how many potential staches and mullets we might see come playoff time.

The road to the Sharks' first-ever Stanley Cup goes through the Kings, whether she's in the first or second round. So they don't give a fuck about home ice or standings—if Taylor Swift and the entire fucking cast of Beverly Hills 90210 is in the Staples Center, all they know is they gotta beat the Kings. And this is the year. I don't even think it's gonna be that close.

Heart: Los Angeles
Mind: San Jose
Stache/Mullet: Draw

Crystal Balls = San Jose in 6

Bucketheads know I've been hard on Nashville fans, but you also remember that I pledged allegiance to them in the playoffs cuz the captain and both assistants are good ol' Canadian boys. That ain't changed. Anaheim's top line ain't looked dominant against Nashville this year, and that's gonna be the case here for the series. And I got a feeling around Game 5 they're gonna be cleaning a lot of teeth out of the fuckin' Zamboni after the game.

Heart: Nashville
Mind: Nashville
Stache/Mullet: Anaheim

Crystal Balls = Nashville in 6

This is gonna be the series to watch. One of them where it goes 2-1, 6-1, 5-4, 4-0, in the first four games. Where the coaches are like, "I don't know what the fuck is going on and I can't do anything to stop it." The Stars are gonna press, and press hard, and they're gonna score a lot too (well, like 4 or 5). But Minnesota is a tight bunch and ain't gonna make it easy on 'em. But like my old coach Dac Thomas used to say: "A good offence is a deadly offense" and only Dallas has that. Dac also used to say, "Hey, Dean, don't fuckin' ring my doorbell after midnight lookin' for my daughter" but I never listened to that neither which is why I got cut maybe.

Heart: Northstars
Mind: Dallas
Stache/Mullet: Draw

Crystal Balls = Dallas in 5

Everybody knows the Hawks have played more games in the past seven years than any other team. The heroes of the team are fuckin' beat. And you're right, they ain't gonna win the Cup this year. But the Blackhawks have a gear, a switch, a fuckin' giv'r button they push come playoff time and this year ain't any different. St. Louis looks way better down the stretch and SHOULD win this with an insane goalie tandem. But they ain't gonna. When Vladimir Tarasenko shrinks in playoff coverage, there just ain't no one who's gonna fill the void. And watch out for Dale "Dutch mullet" Weise. He's the fuckin' Pinocchio of mullets. Every time he scores she grows an inch, so I can't wait to see what happens if he gets an OT winner.

Heart: Chicago
Mind: Saint Louis
Stache/Mullet: Chicago

Crystal Balls = Chicago in 7

I'm stoked on this series, cuz she's just a matter of time until we see Angry Crosby, who is fucking awesome. And the first time Chris Kreider crashes Marc-Andre Fleury (see below), shit's gonna hit all kinds of fans. And damn, even if everyone was healthy this series would be a toss up to bet on, but this year it's even more impossible to say with Fleury, Evgeni Malkin and Ryan McDonagh all maybes. But you know what, don't overthink this one. This is the series where you get super blottoed and cheer for ACTION, shotgun a beer every hit and body check the tube every goal. Not recommended for flat screens. RIP Samsung 42-inch TV. Bottom line, though—Henrik Lundqvist is a machine, and will get NY out of the first round. Book it.

Heart: Pittsburgh
Mind: Rangers
Stache/Mullet: Draw

Crystall Balls = Rangers in 7

I seen enough of Tampa and Detroit lately to know that neither of these teams is gonna win the Cup. The Lightning came close last year, but without Steven Stamkos and missing two key D-men there's no way they're gonna get out of the East. And what about the Red Wings? They're some fucked up cup of coffee where you never have to start over and make another pot. You just gotta add a little milk and sugar and she tastes great, never goes bitter. How the fuck do they do this?!? Look, they ain't making the playoffs in 2017, but this year they're gonna take it at least to the second round. Pavel Datsyuk, in his last NHL season, is gonna be a fucking MONSTER, and I got a feeling Jimmy Howard got his shit sorted.

Heart: Detroit
Mind: Detroit
Stache/Mullet: Detroit

Crystal Balls = Detroit in 6

If you've watched the Capitals this year, you'd be like, "It ain't fair they acquired both T.J. Oshie AND Justin Williams—they already got Ovie!!" And you're right, it ain't fair. But it's like that mole on your back. The one that makes it weird when you take off your shirt at the pool cuz people are like, "Dude, what's with the turd tattoo?" LIFE ain't fair, but what the fuck you gonna do? The Capitals sucked FOREVER. Now they got two deadly lines, a solid D core, and Braden Holtby is having one of those, What The Fuck seasons. The guy's from Lloydminster, so he's from Alberta AND Saskatchewan—how can you not be pulling for the guy? Washington is gonna win, but know this: Wayne Simmonds is gonna be a hammer, and Caps are gonna get nailed. And Shayne Gostisbehere… man, I can't wait!

Heart: Capitals
Mind: Capitals
Stache/Mullet: Flyers

Crystal Balls = Capitals in 4

For a lot of you people in the West this series is one of those, whaaaaaaaaaaatever ones. And, yah, you're right, there ain't a lot of history goin' on. But shit, in Florida there's kids like Aleksander Barkov, and Roberto Luongo is looking good. And don't forget the Jagr factor. At this point he's like Rocky; been to the top, back down, and now he's ready to make a go again. The only trouble is the Islanders are Mr T. For all you who ain't never seen it, in Rocky III, Clubber Lang (Mr. T) is a fuckin' unstoppable bull, and after a wild back-and-forth fight at the start, Mr. T goes fucking apeshit on Rocky and knocks him the fuck out. So yah, don't bet against these Islanders. Plus Brooklyn has NINE PLAYERS just from Ontario on its team… don't say I didn't tell you.

Heart: Islanders
Mind: Islanders
Stache/Mullet: Panthers

Crystal Balls = Islanders in 7

A lot of people are asking, "Hey, Dean, how much money are you putting on your Crystal Balls?" But I gotta tell ya—I never gamble. Cuz this one time at Casino Niagara in Niagara Falls I had a bunch of cash from the pipelines and put it all on Black and all of a sudden I saw RED and fuckin' flipped the roulette table and shit went totally crazy. I woke up in a dark basement, completely defenseless and fucked up. For a while there I thought I was the Edmonton Oilers. But then I remembered the chips flying and the destruction, and oh fuck I ain't never gambled again. Shitty thing is I ain't allowed in Niagara Falls no more, so can someone tell me—is my statue still there at the Movieland Wax Museum?