When I was 14 years old, I was walking through Kenmore Square one summer afternoon when I was grabbed by a 30-something Southie steakhead wearing Zubaz and a plastic Boston Red Sox helmet. He gripped me by the padded dog collar I was wearing around my neck and he tossed me against a fence on the bridge that led to Fenway. "Why the fahk do you wear that shit? What's ya problem?” he slurred at me, as stale Bud-spittle spritzed my face.He then stood there and flexed his muscles at me while screaming at the sky. I was already not a baseball fan (my nickname was "Poli-strike out" in Mission Hill Little League), but this was enough for me to realize that while I hated baseball, I really fucking hated Red Sox fans.As a native, I can safely say Bostonians care more about their enemies losing than actually accomplishing anything themselves. No one sums up this belief better than the Fenway Faithful. We are thankfully a few years past tribes of townies and college kids flipping over cars, teen-wolfing trolleys, and ultimately being shot to death by police officers’ pellet guns. Why? Because the Sox are "fahkin bums" again. The only constant remaining is the negativity on Yawkey Way flowing like the spoiled Schilling Chardonnay I waded through to interview two die-hard fans.
MIKE
VICE: What are your opinions on the Red Sox this year?
Mike:Suck.
They suck?
After they made the trade and everything to the Dodgers? They ain't that good. You just had Pesky die, 92 years old. Played for this stadium for years. Only four players out of the team went to the funeral. That's bullshit in my book. They care more about money than anything.
Do you think Fenway Park is the safest place in Boston for a Dominican guy to toss an old white guy on the ground?
I don't know about that. It happens all over the place. There was just a stabbing around the corner a few days ago too.
Who do you think has the best interest of Red Sox Nation in 2012: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?
I go with Obama. I'm a Democrat. Obama's gonna get in for another four years, without a doubt. Romney's startin’ too much fucking problems. He got millions of fucking dollars invested across the East Coast. That’s one thing against him. At least Obama's straight up.
Do you think Romney is almost the same as a present-day Red Sox player?
You won't see him at a funeral, that's for sure. You’ll see him down the Cape or Martha's Vineyard, or somewhere like that on vacation. He hides, he's got billions of dollars. I don't even know why he's even running for fucking president.
Probably an ego thing?
He's got millions, why the hell does he want to run the country? It's ludicrous in my book. I’m a hard-working guy. I run a concession stand right over there. That's why I'm eating my sub now. At least Obama puts some things in perspective. Romney's trying to cut him down, and it ain't gonna happen, you know what I mean?GENOVICE:Can I ask you a few questions about the Sox for VICE?
Friend:This isn't one of those freaky magazines is it?
You mean like a gay magazine?
Friend:Yeah.
No. Well, there was just an article about a gay guy using a robotic vagina, but that’s not really gay.
Yeah, talk to Geno. [Friend walks away.] What do you think makes Red Sox fans the most diehard in all of baseball?
Geno:They're very stupid. They're gullible and there’s nothing else around, they like to participate in all the sports year round and they're very dumb.
What do you think separates a die-hard fan from a fleeting fan, or a "pink hat" fan?
Cash! A pink hat is only around when they're winning, like my wife here.
Geno's Wife:I'm not wearing a pink hat!
Geno:Nah, she traded it for a margarita.
Do you think that Fenway Park is the safest place for a Dominican guy to throw an old white man on the ground?
Of course! But fucking Zimmer deserved that, that bitch! He was going after Pedro and I said, "Throw that motherfucker down!"
I'd do it right now if he was here.
Who do you think has the best interest of Red Sox Nation in 2012: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?
Absolutely Barack! Mitt would probably fucking sell the team. Only rich people can fuckin’ go here anyway.@JohnLiam
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Mike:Suck.
They suck?
After they made the trade and everything to the Dodgers? They ain't that good. You just had Pesky die, 92 years old. Played for this stadium for years. Only four players out of the team went to the funeral. That's bullshit in my book. They care more about money than anything.
Do you think Fenway Park is the safest place in Boston for a Dominican guy to toss an old white guy on the ground?
I don't know about that. It happens all over the place. There was just a stabbing around the corner a few days ago too.
Who do you think has the best interest of Red Sox Nation in 2012: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?
I go with Obama. I'm a Democrat. Obama's gonna get in for another four years, without a doubt. Romney's startin’ too much fucking problems. He got millions of fucking dollars invested across the East Coast. That’s one thing against him. At least Obama's straight up.
Do you think Romney is almost the same as a present-day Red Sox player?
You won't see him at a funeral, that's for sure. You’ll see him down the Cape or Martha's Vineyard, or somewhere like that on vacation. He hides, he's got billions of dollars. I don't even know why he's even running for fucking president.
Probably an ego thing?
He's got millions, why the hell does he want to run the country? It's ludicrous in my book. I’m a hard-working guy. I run a concession stand right over there. That's why I'm eating my sub now. At least Obama puts some things in perspective. Romney's trying to cut him down, and it ain't gonna happen, you know what I mean?GENOVICE:Can I ask you a few questions about the Sox for VICE?
Friend:This isn't one of those freaky magazines is it?
You mean like a gay magazine?
Friend:Yeah.
No. Well, there was just an article about a gay guy using a robotic vagina, but that’s not really gay.
Yeah, talk to Geno. [Friend walks away.] What do you think makes Red Sox fans the most diehard in all of baseball?
Geno:They're very stupid. They're gullible and there’s nothing else around, they like to participate in all the sports year round and they're very dumb.
What do you think separates a die-hard fan from a fleeting fan, or a "pink hat" fan?
Cash! A pink hat is only around when they're winning, like my wife here.
Geno's Wife:I'm not wearing a pink hat!
Geno:Nah, she traded it for a margarita.
Do you think that Fenway Park is the safest place for a Dominican guy to throw an old white man on the ground?
Of course! But fucking Zimmer deserved that, that bitch! He was going after Pedro and I said, "Throw that motherfucker down!"
I'd do it right now if he was here.
Who do you think has the best interest of Red Sox Nation in 2012: Barack Obama or Mitt Romney?
Absolutely Barack! Mitt would probably fucking sell the team. Only rich people can fuckin’ go here anyway.@JohnLiam