David Moyes and The Last Crusade: Previewing Sunderland vs. Crystal Palace

In the television studios and commentary boxes of Britain, it's often said that football management ages people. All it takes are a few bad results, and pundits start commenting on a manager's appearance, claiming he looks 'old' or 'weary', 'tired' or 'wrinkly as fuck'. At the moment, David Moyes doesn't so much look old as he does like a man whose soul has been stolen at the conclusion of a Faustian pact with the devil. Sam Allardyce is the devil in this case, and the pact was that, with Big Sam departing for the England job, Moyes could take over his role at Sunderland in pursuit of fame, fortune and adventure in the north-east.

The problem with said pact is that nobody gains fame or fortune managing Sunderland. The best that the Black Cats can hope for is that they spend most of the season in 20th, then scrape a 17th-placed finish on the penultimate or final day. The other option is that they get relegated, which is looking increasingly likely by the minute. Having taken one point from their first five league games, Sunderland are in exactly the same sort of early-season rut that they've experienced for, well, as far back as anyone can remember, and are odds-on to continue that run when they face Crystal Palace on Saturday afternoon.

It's perhaps little wonder, then, that Moyes looks so drained at the moment. The Sunderland job is having the same effect on him as drinking from the false Grail had on Walter Donovan at the end of Indiana Jones and The Last Crusade. He is withering away before our eyes, mummifying like a beloved family pet that has crawled under the floorboards and promptly expired. On matchday, he goes the same colour and consistency that cheap ham turns when you leave it in the sun at the end of a picnic, all grey and mushy. Somebody help him. Somebody save him from the clutches of the Sunderland job, for God's sake.

If Sunderland don't manage to pull three points out of the bag against Crystal Palace, we dread to think what will happen to Moyes. The ageing process will be sped up even further, and he'll end up looking like a newborn Benjamin Button. We can only hope that, after a run of wins, time will be reversed and Moyes will go back to his normal, fresh-faced self. If not, we give it until half-time of next week's match against West Brom before he breathes a heavy sigh, and crumbles away to dust on the spot.